Boundaries: Cheat Sheet

[Woke_Up]

I am also having difficulty with boundaries. My WW (well, partner, as we never actually tied the knot) is engaged in an emotional affair with a man in another country and has been unable to stop. She has tried a few times, but now it seems like she doesn't even want to.
They mainly communicate through skype.
I have taken to blocking it on occasion when it is driving me mad, but this usually ends up in an argument - that I am infantilising her, that she is a grown woman and can do what she wants and is entitled to her privacy, etc.
I recently asked her if she would stop communicating with him from in the house as I found it disrespectful to me, the family (we have 2 children), and to our home.
She was unwilling to do this and we had another brief argument.

Is this a boundary or is this control that I am applying?

I've been going through a lot of turmoil since I found out about this in the Summer, and I will probably start a new thread to describe my situation and ask for advice.

I want to save our relationship, but I am not sure how long I can go on like this, as it feels like she is torn and always has me as a backstop if she goes off the EAP. I know it's not as bad as a physical affair but the stress has been awful.

Thanks

D

[Woke_Up]

Well I blocked it again last night. Led to predictable argument this morning. I am infantilising her, treating her like a child, controlling her. Therefore I should consider the relationship over.

I pointed out that she could still communicate on skype, only that I couldn't be an enabler to that either actively or passively. She can use mobile data on her phone, or put in another internet line, which is what she is talking about.

She seemed a little calmer by the time she left the house at lunchtime, I am working from home this week, although usually I am out of the house nearly 14 hours a day due to a long commute.

Next step is what to do with the MBR, which is not clear cut, as I have been out of there for many months anyway, to be close to my daughter who wakes up in the night - it was less disturbing for me to be able to get her back to bed quickly.

Most recently I am out due to waking up WW accidentally, then having major row about EA. She was going to move out to the spare room, but guilted me due to her back problems, etc. She even ordered a new bed, which I am now in :-/ Now she says she is claiming the MBR as I have claimed the internet by blocking Skype.

Stick to my guns, or am I being controlling. Should I unblock stuff, but just say that we should consider ourselves not in a R while she continues with the EA or even accept any boundaries with regards to the EA. She is a strong woman, part of what I love about her, but she is used to getting her own way.

[Vanilla]

I responded on your thread woke up

Be aware a boundary is a boundary because it is something you state a consequence to first, so if you x then I will y is a boundary, if you just do action y then there is no chance that the other will modify in respect to you.

An action alone is not a boundary and can be seen as controlling and rather random.

So you text OM or OW and now I am puthing your phone in a bucket of water is both controlling and abusive.

If you text OW or OM in my presence then I will request your mobile bill be paid from your account, I will stop the DD on mine.

This allows behaviour to modify and states what you will do if it doesn't. It is under your control and it is your action.

And if WW has a bad back and needs to sleep in an uncomfortable bed her choice. You stay in the MBR.


link for woke up includes great post from Sandi

V

[Woke_Up]

I responded on your thread woke up

Be aware a boundary is a boundary because it is something you state a consequence to first, so if you x then I will y is a boundary, if you just do action y then there is no chance that the other will modify in respect to you.

An action alone is not a boundary and can be seen as controlling and rather random.

So you text OM or OW and now I am puthing your phone in a bucket of water is both controlling and abusive.

If you text OW or OM in my presence then I will request your mobile bill be paid from your account, I will stop the DD on mine.

I refused to top up her phone when she requested last week - said I couldn't while she was contacting OM. I had cancelled the auto-pay on it earlier that week.

This allows behaviour to modify and states what you will do if it doesn't. It is under your control and it is your action.

And if WW has a bad back and needs to sleep in an uncomfortable bed her choice. You stay in the MBR.


link for woke up includes great post from Sandi

V

Just re-reading this. I am planning to go back in MBR on Saturday as D has friend staying over, so would not be in her room. WW is out with friends until approx 11pm anyway. As you say, her choice as to whether she chooses MBR or spare room.

I have made it abundantly clear that I will not go back into spare room, and I am determined to no longer be guilted by her.

[Manny]

What boundaries can I set in regards to her chatting with OM in the house? I already separated our phone bill which she is paying for herself now. And I also I pay for half her car, do I tell her not to see OM in that car or else?


Edit - answered on his thread by others - Cadet

[Ready2Change]

Full threat here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1859179
It is a good read.

Boundaries let people know where they stop and you start. Boundaries let others know how they can treat you, if you can't show someone that you love and respect yourself then it's hard for them to do so. Boundaries are for yourself and are needed in a healthy, loving relationship. You won't get the love you need without communicating and enforcing your boundaries. Boundaries are not controlling, manipulative, or blaming. Setting a boundary is not making a threat - it is communicating clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues to treat us in an unacceptable manner. It is a consequence of the other persons behavior.
When you make a boundary you are choosing for yourself how you let others treat you. When you make a choice you empower yourself. I have decided this is how I will be treated and I am responsible to myself, I am not a victim because I have a choice in my life.


Boundaries work for all parties involved. Try them out they help you handle it.

When you . . . . .
I feel . . . . .

I want . .
If you ......
I will.....

If you - a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.)
I will - a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.

If you continue this behavior - a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.

Example:

When I ask you what is wrong and you say "Never mind," and then slam cabinet doors and rattle pots and pans and generally seem to be silently raging about something,
I feel angry, frustrated, irritated, hopeless, as if you are unwilling to communicate with me, as if I am supposed to read your mind.

I want you to communicate with me and help me to understand if I have done something that upsets you.

If something is bothering you and you will not tell me what it is, I will confront you about your behavior and share my feelings.

If you continue that behavior, I will confront your behavior, share my feelings, and insist that we go to counseling together.

If you keep repeating this behavior I will start considering all of my options, including leaving this relationship.

[Ready2Change]

A boundary is USELESS unless you are prepared to ENFORCE it. You will be challenged and tested on every one of your boundaries. So make darned sure you can enforce them because if you don't you are wasting your breath and increasing the contempt she feels for you.

[Ready2Change]

I have said my boundaries multiple times. WW doesnt care unfortunately.

Stating your boundary to her means nothing. Enforcing your boundary has weight. If she suffers consequences for dishonoring your boundary......so be it. If she doesn't have consequences, but it protects your respect, dignity, emotional feelings......then that's the point/reason for the boundary.

Don't restate your boundary, as if it is a threat to her. Every time you say it and don't back it up, you weaken the boundary...….b/c you are proving it that it's really not a boundary at all.

[Ready2Change]

Boundaries are not directly used for you to get your WW back. At all! And they are NEVER ever to be used as any type of punishment.

Boundaries and ENFORCEMENT of boundaries is for your personal safety and peace of mind. You enforce your rules and it makes you stronger. Oh, it will PISS her off! She will HATE you. You will be the worst person in the world. She will say hateful things. Call you an ass. Blah blah. You're not an ass, you are only taking control away from her and the wayward hates losing control of you!

You see, waywards want to control you. They want the benefits of having you there at their disposal. Do her bidding, slave. And be grateful she gives you the crumbs off her napkin while she sleeps with OM.

SHE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU.

When you are stronger with boundary enforcement and no longer a pushover, she can do nothing but respect your boundaries, which results in respecting you by proxy. That alone is not enough to bring her back, but it is a good start for getting your balls back.

[Ready2Change]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1900102#Post1900102

State and hold your boundaries.

"W, When you do not tell me who you were with and what you did when I ask, I feel I can not trust you, I need a partner that is open and honest. If you are unable to be open and honest with me, I see no reason to stay married."