I have had a lingering thought in my head for the last couple of weeks and I do not quite understand it. The thought is this...
After a year or two of seeing what is out there I think/hope that the XW and I can get back together.
Right now I do not like her, at all. I am angry and want nothing to do with her. When I see her it makes my blood boil internally. But there is still a place in my heart for her.
I am not waiting for her, or will I wait for her. I am going to get out and do my own thing. But there is still a feeling that we will get back together. I honestly hope that her and OM go down in flames and she realizes what a real relationship is and what we had was a very very good thing.
I have a question to ask Sandi when she starts up a new WW thread. It about how long it took her to see the flaws in her OM and see that it was not what she imagined it was in her head.
The XW and I need some growing to do, but I also know that she cares about me. My hope is that we could work on us after growing while apart for quite a while. Right now my interaction with her is minimal and when I am around her my attention, vision, and words are focused on the boys. She is just a background character in the story that is my life after D right now.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
Hey Gogofo, thanks for updating. I remember when you started this thread. Your first post really stood out to me. It was the first time I really realized that my W is not the same person I fell in love with and married. She's no longer the person I miss and I want to be with again. Like you, I hope someday we can be together, but I don't know if that's even possible. Can I be with this new person she has become? I'm finding myself asking that question more often lately.
Do you think living apart has helped? I'm still living with my ex during the week and it's taking a toll on me. I do a great job letting go and detaching during the weekend while we're apart. Around the middle of the week I feel like I'm backsliding. 2 steps forward, one step back is how I am feeling. I guess it's better than 2 forward, 3 back.
I'm glad to see your update.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
I feel living apart has helped, I cannot imagine living with my XW unless it was the only option I had.
When the papers were in motion I still treated her like my W and felt there was hope there. I should have known better. I remember the wild emotional swings I would go through while seeing her. I was really strongly attached to her and her emotions. Having my own house has really helped with the detachment.
At the end I was lucky enough to have space inside the house before I moved. It still wasn't enough. I could hear when she would get home and I would find myself waking up around midnight knowing that she was not home. It was emotional torture.
The journey forward so far has had it's rough patches. It is not smooth and linear. I have not cried hard about the D yet which really has me confused. At times I can well up with tears and have a quick 30 second sob if I hear the right song at the wrong time. I also well up with emotion when having fun with the kids. Their love and happiness is what keeps me going.
Seeing the kids happy and moving forward with trying to deal with my grief has me in an angry phase right now. Angry for a lot of reasons, but I would like to theoretically choke my XW for the pain she has brought into our lives with the OM.
The book I am reading has me pegged right now with its description that nice guys harbor rage deep down inside them. This is very true of how I feel right now, I definitely have rage inside me.
I know one day I will be able to forgive myself and the XW for what has happened. If I don't forgive I feel it will be detrimental to my emotional state. Right now I don't want to forgive, and I am good with that decision.
What has helped me through the beginning of moving forward is the Wayward Wife threads that Sandi has been posting to. They are a wealth of information that has me understanding how the XW may have been feeling and why she has been doing what she did.
Hang in their Closer, I will check up on your thread, I haven't been on as much as before but I still lurk every other day.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
NMMNG is a great book. I harbor rage myself. I'm was really bad about the covert contracts. I have been doing the CCs for so long and so often w/o knowing realize the negative effects they had on me and my family. Ditching the CCs has been huge for me.
I don't cry. I kind of wish I could. I'm don't try to be a "tough guy". I've been choked up a few times, but nothing more. I almost wish I could. Could I be a robot??? haha
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
Closer, I am not trying to be tough guy either. I am not avoiding my emotions, but I just haven't broke down this time. Maybe all of the crying before moved me through a lot of the grief and I don't need to.
Yesterday I had to work a little late at work so I was not able to make it to watch kids at their swim lesson. Later in the night the XW sent a text "Everything ok? You didn't make it to swim so I was checking. The goggles were a big hit."
I was slightly disgusted that she is showing concern for me. As a WW who is now my XW I feel she chose to not be a part of my life, except as a co-parent. I felt she never showed much concern when OM came back into the picture, so why now? Is it because I have been giving her nothing but slightly cordial responses? Who knows, but I feel it is weird she was worried about me now.
Last night I had a dream which may signal another small step to moving forward with detachment. When married and trying to save my marriage if I had a dream with a girl in it and it started to turn intimate or sexual I would refrain from even kissing or touching the girl. I would not even do anything close to cheating on my W, even in my dreams.
Well last night I had a dream where I was out playing the field and ended up kissing a girl. I know it probably sounds pathetic but I think it shows that subconsciously my mind is moving forward with being D'd. I woke up and it took me a little bit to realize that this was the first dream that I can remember where I didn't avoid contact with someone besides my W.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
Last weekend I GAL pretty good. Went out with some friends on Friday night and ended up talking with a couple different women, so that helped stroke the ego. All were younger than me, which is nice since I see myself as getting older and not being as desirable.
The XW and I have similar reading goals to help improve our lives. I do not want to be "Mr. Nice Guy" and she wants to be a "Bitch". I saw a copy of "Why Men Love Bitches" which I assume is very similar to the book I am reading.
Saturday I went to watch my friends band play and talked with some friends I had not seen in quite a while. Received good support from them as they said they felt I had done all that I could to save the M and it is her loss. It is nice to have the support of friends. Some were telling me that I took on too much of the responsibility for the issues in the M.
Communication with the XW is still only as necessary. I don't get involved in conversations with her. We only talk if it involves the kids or scheduling.
I was trying not to smirk yesterday as she told me she decided not to go to Spain. She previously planned on going for her friends wedding, which we had talked about turning into a little vacation for us. Well she got the dates and wanted to go for a week. Yesterday she said that she was not going to go because it is "complicated". What that means I am not exactly sure, but I know part of it is figuring out what to do with the kids when she is gone. I would have watched them, but I did not tell her that. It was up to her to plan what to do.
Emotionally I have been more stable as there have not been as many dips, and the dips are not as low. There have not been as many highs though. I have been feeling tired quite a bit and un-motivated. I need to set some GAL goals and keep moving and start up my exercise routines again, but over the last two weeks I have kind of stagnated.
I have been smiling since Friday night though. Feeling like I have something to offer and even having a women come up to talk to me is quite the ego boost. Probably will try to work a contact with one into a date. I see her at a cafe I eat at and never knew if she was old enough to drink so I just kind of watched her and never gave her much thought. Well she came up to me on Friday and chatted me up.
Sunday I was in the cafe with a friend and she was working and kind of gave me a different kind of look, maybe slight embarrassment. We were both drinking, me way more than her is a good assumption as parts of the conversation slip my mind. But anyhow I think I will chat her up next time I eat there, use some self deprecation because I have no issue being embarrassed, and see if she is interested in meeting up. What do I have to lose... NOTHING.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
You sound like you are doing well. I love me some ego stroking too so good for you:)
Glad you are feeling more steady emotionally. It's okay to have some down moments. Maybe a little more exercise will perk you up.
Keep it up:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I have a question to ask Sandi when she starts up a new WW thread. It about how long it took her to see the flaws in her OM and see that it was not what she imagined it was in her head.
I just happened to see your question. TBH, those type of questions about a span of time is difficult to answer b/c some of it has become fuzzy.
The more time the WW spends with OM, the sooner she will start to see his shine dim. At first, I would make excuses for my OM, b/c I wanted to believe in my fantasy. I wanted him to be my knight and rescue me from my real world. In the meantine, other things were at work to finally cause enough fog to clear and I begin seeing a more accurate image.
He was so totally opposite of the man I married, and I finally realized I really did not want a man with some of what I saw in OM. It was less than a year. That's as close as I can call it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
