So many questions have filled my head in the last day. If I had it my way TODAY I would be totally done, divorced and moved on.
I feel I am ready to move on. Not date but move on. Although it would be great to get some of my emotions out to a women(they are better at them then men).
Like 25 said this is probably not the end of my story. I also get that feeling. I've just made the conscious decision to not care about it. It is was it is. I'm going to stick to my guns and not start the divorce but I'm not going to fight it one bit(except for my rights).
Now, can you actually believe she had the nerve to call me after dropping that bomb on me yesterday. And the bomb was as straight up as you would be telling a joke or anything to someone, no pause in it at all. She asked me a car question(my field of work). Instead of blowing up I calmly told her what to do and where to go for it. At the end of the convo. Requested one last time as her former husband to respect me and not bring him to the kids stuff until the divorce is final. I don't know what that was about. Just probably to get a reaction out of me or see if my anger changed. To see if she needed to lawyer up again. Who cares!
Last night I rehearsed a email in my head. An email I was going to send to the MIL. I don't feel bad for me right now, just her family. I think I kind of expected this all. I wrote the email but haven't sent it waiting to see if my emotions change. It basically states that I'm sorry the wife is choosing this course and how much pain it will cause all of them. Because they where so happy that she was leaving him and considering our marriage. Telling her I'm not going to fight the divorce like I did in the beginning. And just basically asking her for her blessing to give up hope and move on. For some reason it feels like I had their hope and dreams on my back as well. And I just want to move on. And to take good care of the wife because she is going to need them. When she finally realizes what just happened.
Im just going to hold on to it for a day or two. Till my emotions are not clouded. For some reason I feel like this is a test to see if I have changed.
Thank you all so very much 3kids
Last edited by Cadet; 04/08/1508:09 PM. Reason: link
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
Please don't send the email til you run it by here.
You're free to ignore our advice - but give it a chance first, okay?
How can it hurt to give that some more thought and time?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I've rewrote this over and over with so much to say. I'm sad to hear of wifes new plan with OM. I know this is not what you or your family wants, from what you have told me. I thought maybe she was serious about making a go at our family again. But she can not give him up. I really pray for you and your family. Because you have told me how she doesn't talk to you or the family when he is around and how he is bad news. I know how much this has all hurt you all. She has really depended on me through all this for a lot of her problems. And now all that will be put on you all. Because I don't see her going to him for it. I can no longer be there for her. My hope is one day you all can encourage her to get some counseling. This is the only way I ever see her finding her happiness.
I don't know how I'm ever going to hold my hatred for him with them living only a block away in the house they are buying and starting to go to baseball games and such. But hopefully I'll be able to suck it up. I know he has caused her so much pain and will continue to do so. It truly has been hard to go through all this for me. Watching some one you love so much and means so much to you. Being hurt all the time. And her not realizing where her pain comes from. I think it's pretty obvious where her pain comes from (not having her family anymore). Maybe I'm wrong? And a lot of that is probably my fault for not being a great husband. I should have put her above every thing else in the world and I didn't do that.
I will try not to fight through the divorce. I truly want Her to be happy. I just want what is fair. The same as it has been lately. Split time with kids, holidays and money. Really there is nothing left to fight about. Although I do not agree with the person She is choosing to be a part of my kids lives (morals and other things). And be there through their young childhood. I will have to except it and move on. I pray to god that she will have some respect for me and wait till after the divorce is done to start bringing him to kid events. I think you know where I come from with every thing that has happened in your life.
My purpose of this email. Is not for you to do anything like I have asked in the beginning of all of this. The purpose is to ask for your blessing to give up hope and move on. For some reason I feel I owe it to you and everyone (kids included) to hold on to that hope and try. I truly believed in our marriage and fighting for it. But all that hope and trying is hurting me to much. I can no longer do that. Since I once asked for yours and FILs blessing to marry her, but I don't think FIL knows as much now, and you and your family mean more than the world to me. I'm asking for your blessing to give it up and truly move on. If you can't I understand.
Love, 3kids your son in law and always will be as you once said
P.S Please take care of Her,I know you always will!
Obviously I changed all names. But what do you think?
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
Does anyone having any experience living close to ex and OM. I don't think I can do it. Just talked to the oldest yep they are doing it. I can't live two blocks away from them. I live in a small town with one stop light. Go live some place else! Im going nuts. Does she want me to commit suicide. What the f!!!! Looks like I'll be moving again! Damb it!!!!!!!!
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
I agree with Wonka. I read it earlier today and wanted to post, but didn't have the chance to. What is the objective of the letter? Reading through it, I'm not quite sure what you are getting at sending it over to her. Like good ole english class, I would map out the purpose and make sure each paragraph supports the purpose. It seems to me like each paragraph is referencing some different perspective.
3kids,
Take a couple days to regroup. Try and get your mind off of the sitch. I'm sure everything is come rushing back in, but breath.....You've been so strong and focused. The news stinks, but don't backslide.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Agreed. Assuming your top priorities are 1) your own sanity, 2) not burning any bridges with your WAW...I don't think this email is in line with EITHER goal.
I'm mindreading here but I'd assume that the underlying reason for sending this is to either get them on your side and/or have them try to influence WAW towards the M again. NEITHER of these will happen, and it will probably have a serious opposite effect. It could not only light the bridge on fire with WAW, it could really negatively impact your co-parenting relationship with her. And it could create animosity and a lack of trust coming into divorce proceedings, life changing negotiations when you don't need an enemy.
Really, don't send anything. Make it therapeutic for you and work through your feelings on your own or with a DB coach or IC, or us. We're in your corner.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
It's been a tough couple of days. Trying to get my emotions back in check but I'm good again. You are all right, email terrible idea. I'm so close to her family but blood is thicker than water. I guess the underline idea, with out even knowing it because of emotions, was to just let her MIL know of her plans. But da, she probably already knows. And she has already figured out what I didn't because emotions blocked my veiw. You can't change someone else!
For the first time in a long time I opened up to a couple of people. One a very close friend. Who has been through something similar. His first wife got hooked on drugs and now is doing time for them. He fought for full custody during the divorce and won and that was seven years ago. But his convo is what I needed to hear. Weather or not we love our wives. We have to let them go. No matter the addiction, drugs or emotional. He went threw al-anon. And read the serenaty prayer to me over and over. Maybe it clicked. You have to let them fall from grace. And move on knowing your kids need you more now than ever. It was a great convo.
The second was my mom. I've tried to not talk to her about anything. Because I didn't want her hate to grow for the wife. But I needed help and she is to wise to not ask. She pointed out don't react until it's done. Yes divorce is the right thing right now for both of you. But she also pointed out about there new house. That this is the fifth time she has told the kids that they where going to buy a house together. And not a one of them came true. She also pointed out that the kids would love it. To be able to run back and forth so there going to be excited. Bonus, I get mad at mom or dad and run to the other house. She said that yes I'm having a tough time with them moving so close but take a step back and look. The wife and OM are moving that close also. OM has to worry about you all the time when he is away. And put up with you being so close. Drive by you every day. And for her she has the same. Driving by you, seeing the kids play at your house and not be able to stop and see them or play with them. Then when 3kids does finally move on and starts dating, seeing other women at your place every day, wondering what great things 3kids is up to. Who in their right mind would ever want to do that, him or her. The wife is in a fantasy world, and it's probably not going to happen. Deal with it when that day comes. She told me to start taking care of myself and my kids more. And it always works out for the best. Also to stay away from her family for a little bit because they have to deal with this also. I tell you what she is a very smart women!
So last night went out GALing. Had a great night with a bunch of friends. Forgot all about my problems and on my way back to where I was a month a go. Easyer with time. Lesson learnt, stuff them emotions in a box. They are no good!
I need to stop my addiction! I can't help her, but I can help myself. I just have to stop making open ended remarks to her. Like, "how are you", "you look sad", "every thing alright". Truly time to move on!
Thank you all so much! 3kids
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
as you once said