Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I am struggling now. I really need some time to calm down and reassess my life. But, in the same time I don't want to stop the going and be depressed. I have my faith that is making miracles in me. It keeps my hope for the next day, and that's the way life has been. The next day needs to be OK.
I don't know how to understand my H messages. I wish it is positive, but deep inside I know he is with the OW and that this is the truth I live now.
I can't pretend things will be OK with us, that there is any hope we will get back together and be happy one day. All what I see now is that he is planning his life without me. He also struggles but because he is thinking only about himself.
I said with all words that he needs to contact his kids, that they are hurt and that he will lose their love. He was gone to Texas this whole week and did not sent anything. Not even a HI,how are you?.
He is very selfish and it hurts everyone. I feel sorry for him, he looks terrible, depressed...but by other hand, he knows how to get a phone and plan his next trip to France.
I really don't know what to feel anymore. I would say I am lost, and maybe it is better. I can do my best escaping from him and this way I will detach.
Like we say in Brasil: I will run from him as the devil runs from the cross.
My life is not a mess, but I am in a D process. Eventually time will come and we will sign the papers and it will all be done for good. My M is over and I need to face it.
Well, firstly I would love to say a big well done to you. Based on what you describe, your H was about to instigate another loop around the loop, and you headed him off at the pass. That protects you, and it also clearly shows him how your R will become if he carries on this path.
He doesn't sound or look happy. He misses you and the kids. He has feelings for OW and doesn't want to let that go. But if he keeps on with that he will lose you, and possibly lose contact with his kids. He's between a rock and a hard place and he doesn't know what to do.
I still think he is exibiting lots of signs of MLC, and I empathise with him for that. In a dark tunnel is not a nice place to be. Even though we are on the outside and can see that he has options - he can't see a positive way forward himself. I think the best you can do for now is listen, validate, maintain your boundaries and move forward with the business of D. I believe your H still loves you Pink, and I suspect he will 'wake up' at some point. Whether that will be soon - who knows. But I do think not behaving in a 'wifely' way (ie: not ML, or letting him bake bread in the kitchen and so on) may help him see just what he is going to lose.
I think having OW abroad is a downside in terms of timescales. The less they see of each other, the longer the 'fantasy' element may remain. But he must be thinking - how is this going to work? I'm in the US and have four kids. She is in Europe and has one. It's all pretty impossible.
So, I think you did a good job. The only comment I would have is the part where he said you didn't understand. It may be best to just listen and validate. No more than that. No need to offer suggestions on what he may or may not do. You could always just say the usual stuff - yes, it must be hard. This isn't an easy time for any of us. But we'll get through it.
It will be interesting to see if he steps up to the plate with the kids too. You are doing so well Pink - even though it is tough I know. You (we!) will come out of the other side of this and will be wiser and hopefully happier as a result.
Have a good weekend my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Having a lovely London weather since yesterday. In Colorado we do not see much rain and it is raining for the 2nd day and I love it. Love the gray raining days. I gives me a lot of energy.
Your words are wise Toots, I think the tunnel my H is now has no light and he is pretty blind right now. His depression is obvious and his thinking if very fog.
At first I tough that he was being so gentle and nice because of the whole D ordeal. Well, he understood I am not going to back off and will continue the process.
Secondly I tough he was in the process of separating his feelings from us, but it has been quite a long time into this and he is becoming even more caring. He always make sure to mention that he didn't do enough, did not treat me well, and so on.
Third, he has been curious, he thinks that there is someone. He is not sure but feels I am too happy, like it is something he was not expecting to see. He looks at me with a question mark in his face, like he is trying to translate all what I say or do.
My H could easily take another direction and do not care at all, but he does. H could be cold and to the point and move on as he said he would, but he is running away, not moving on. H could determined what is important for him and do all the things he needs to do to be in a better place in his life, but he is choosing to punish himself in a way.
He is lonely, even tough he has OW. I always feel that he is DBing me. For some reasons I can't really explain I always feel like he is reading the book and doing all what is in there. Many times when he is talking and telling his feelings, I feel like he is saying: "Please, fight for me, I need to feel loved, important".
But, it is just a gut feeling I have, and I know it will just make matters worse. He will be back today, said that he will pick up the kids from school this afternoon.
We talked about tomorrow, that he would be coming to the house to spend some time with the kids and even sleep here. I would be going out and coming back on sunday, when he will be gone to a three weeks trip to Latin America. I don't know if it will happen, I am not sure if I should contact him and follow through with it, I don't want to talk to him.
I have been feeling good on my own. I have been enjoying this time by myself. As I said, I have been very busy and really don't have much time for a H in my life.
I also think that he is not very attractive right now. So messed up, depressed, confused and a crying baby. I do not need a man like this. I need someone that has a life, that is positive, that can play and laugh. H was never much of a euphoric man, he was always very serious and reserved, but now he is tormented and sad.
Well, now I can see when people say that it is not very attractive to be sad and crying all the time and that your spouse will not be attracted to you. It really makes a difference.
Well, I need to get ready to go to my Parenting class ordered by the court. It is a three hour class for people that are going through divorce. I do not know if H did his already, but it is not my business, if he didn't, it is better for me.
Love your words as always Toots, thanks for being there for me.
So my Parenting Class is concluded and I gave the Certificate to my Attorney already.
The class is mainly about the kids but it include how the parents are behaving during the D process. There was a lot of subjects that we read on these boards. Amazing, lots of domestic violence, emotional and physical abuse.
Sitting there and hearing all what some people are going through I realize how lucky I am that there is none of those in my life. D is painful as it is, I can't even think how much torture it can be if there is violence or abuse, or both.
I feel good today, maybe it is the rain, lots of it. But I feel that some days I let go on my sitch more then others. So, I think I am just average, and will be in a better place more frequently as time goes by.
Part of me is realizing that life goes on and I need to make the most of the years I have left and it for sure is maybe 20% or 30% left at this point. So why waste it all crying for someone that does not love you anymore, does not care enough for you.
Next in my D list is to get to some agreement on the marital home price so I can pay my H's 50% to him. I will keep the house but I want some discount on it as a sale price. I am bargaining the price with him, and it seems that he is not up to the fight and will agree with my price if it is reasonable. We will see.
I also will see if H will contact to make arrangements to come to the house tomorrow night so I can go out. I am really not planning on any GAL, I want to stay alone, quite, and rest a little bit.
I am always on the go mode and I feel tired now. I wish to just lay down and do not do anything or think about anyone.
But, H will never know about this, as far as he knows I will be going out with friends. It's like... I am going out w/someone, somewhere, for sometime. No details, no explanations, my life is mine alone and he is not part of it anymore...by his choice by the way.
Sounding strong Pink. While you are continuing with D please remember that your H is now starting to feel the loss and it's all becoming real for him I would hope Pink will allow herself the time to step back from her sitch and take stock.
Your M is only over when you decide it is. I agree you have to carry o.n with your own life but your H does not appear to be thinking clearly and is still very much in the fog.
You will come through this Pink and be happy again. Take care Rd xx
well if you like the rain then you defintely will like moving to London!!! (the UK is an excellent country to live in by the way)
I'm really pleased you stood strong in the face of another of your H's loops. Its good you did and you did it well.
Originally Posted By: Pink17
Then he said: I don't know, I have a person that I care in one country and my kids here.
This must have been really hard to hear and personally i think is pretty awful of your H to be crying in your house about how sad he is and then say something like that. He's made his choices, he walked away from his kids and his amazing wife. He needs to either put on his big boy pants and live with it or realise he's an idiot, swallow his pride and start doing the work he needs to try and earn another chance with you.
You need to make the best of your life and even if it doesnt always feel like it then the loss is most definitely your H's
((((Pink))))
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
It may feel like I am at the top of the mountain. But the truth is that I feel very hopeless. The only thing that keeps me trying this M, is the fact that some people go through a lot of trouble for a long, long time, and somehow they save their family.
This is very powerful to me Pink. It is true, that for some the time and despair results in restoration. I hope for that. What I need to learn is that it can happen and really only truly does if I don't take the behaviour lying down. Thanks for sharing!
Cheers, PureHrt 18 years married, 22 years together Separated since Jan (2nd time in 3 years) 1 child
I will pray for all of us. I will pray for the restoration of our families.
Life really doesn't have to be this complicated does it? It is short and we are only on this Earth for such a short time. it's such a shame there is so much pain and selfishness.
