FIDO - Changing The Rules - Pt 1

[Train]

So glad to hear that everything went smoothly with surgery.

As for where you go from here? I wouldn't worry about it. I think you're exactly where you are supposed to be, at the moment you're supposed to be there.

It's not surprising to me at all that you're "here," emotionally. Your W has made A LOT of hefty withdrawals from your Love Bank. And she hasn't made many deposits to replenish. You are now the one who is almost in the red (the same place she was when she made such a selfish choice to betray you).

I, for one, think it's far past time that your W does some of the heavy-lifting where the M is concerned, if it's going to be salvaged. If the M is going to work, in many cases the wayward spouses (formerly or otherwise, especially if they've never felt a credible threat of losing the LBSs) aren't motivated to do much heavy-lifting until or unless they've felt the LBS begin to truly detach from them. Once they feel they may have pushed too far and they see the once-completely-committed spouse start to lose their die-hard commitment, oftentimes something "clicks." It's unfortunate. But that's oftentimes just the way the cookie crumbles. For your M's sake, I just hope it's not too late.

I think you should keep doing what you're doing. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow. If your W refuses to step up, you'll know when you're done. If she steps up, it'll be HER turn to do all the self-work for herself that you've done for *you* these past several months.

For now, enjoy your self-peace. You've earned it.

[Sotto]

Glad the surgery went okay. I agree with Train - it's not surprising you feel that way. I feel the same sometimes.

Cadet posted elsewhere that we put our love in a box and we put that box on a shelf. And if our S wants to work on the M, we can get it down, open it up and have a look at it again.

There's no rush to decide on anything, other than who and how you want to be going forwards. Maybe just let these feelings sit with you for a while.

Glad to hear you are doing okay :-)

[NH115]

Thanks Train and Toots. Great to hear from you!

Sometimes I feel like an idiot. I have a beautiful wife that I love and I do feel loves me, I have two amazing Ds, I love my in-laws, we have a great set of friends, we even have great neighbors. My house is paid for, I have a good job with a good company, and my health is excellent. What in the world do I have to be unhappy about?

And despite all that, I look at her, and I feel...nothing. None of that connection that she harps on constantly. As recently as a few weeks ago I wold have said that the lack of connection was entirely on her side. Last week I got treated to hearing yet again how she can't figure out how to get unstuck off him and turn her feelings back to me. I heard that and it didn't even phase me. Maybe I've finally reached the level of detachment I should have reached months ago. I still feel like I'm the one doing most of the heavy lifting, and I'm really tired of that.

Maybe I just have M fatigue right now

[Sotto]

DB burnout!!

Maybe just give yourself a bit of 'time off' and enjoy the many good things in your life. There's no pressing need to focus on your M right now.

I'm with you on the detachment thing. Starsky said that for him, the detachment part was easy, it was the 'loving' detachment that was harder. Fact is, many of our WAS's aren't that 'lovable' to us right now. Feelings can change though - we know that....

((NH))

[u-turn]

glad things went well with the surgery - I hope the recovery time is short.

I feel very much like you stated above. I feel completely burnt out on trying and not sure if I will regain the love and attraction that I once felt. I worry that these feelings will just go away forever without effort from her.

Now, my lack of connection may just be justifying her lack of connection - which to her may justify her A. It doesn't seem like a winnable battle.

I do try to dig deep and try to find those feelings that I once had for W.

[NH115]

I finally acknowledged to her and to myself today that I'm not in love with her, any more than she's in love with me. I'm sick of the roller coaster and of banging my head against a wall.

Not sure where we're going at this point.

[Sotto]

NH, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I've been quite heartened by what's been happening in your sitch lately, and I do think there has been a 'shift' in your W.

I know it's hard, and I can understand you feeling this way - but if you think of the analogy of the man going up the stairs with a yo you - is the overall trend upwards?

Only you can decide what you want NH, but give yourself time for things to sit with you and keep posting my friend...

((((NH))))

[NH115]

When I called this thread "changing the rules", I didn't expect this. To say that the dynamic has shifted is an understatement.

After I had come to the realization that I no longer felt that connection either, the push-pull dynamic kicked in and her rhetoric and attitude changed significantly.

A couple of nights ago I came home from taking D11 out and she had apparently had some sort of epiphany; she realized how much she missed and needed me after all. She wanted to really jump in to rebuilding our marriage. She had regained her respect and attraction for me, apparently. My reaction was less than enthusiastic.

I had been waiting for this day for 6 months, and when it came, I felt...nothing. No relief, no elation, nothing. I had already made peace with D and I was actually looking forward to starting life again.

I guess I'm having trouble buying it. I don't think she's deliberately lying, but a little over a week ago she was still struggling with her feelings for OM. Three years of festering disconnect, 6 months of hell, and overnight it changes? Suddenly our issues that a couple of weeks ago were insurmountable aren't that big a deal? I guess I'm having trouble wondering that if it can shift one way that quickly, that it can shift back just as quickly.

We had a conversation yesterday where I was asked point blank If I was in love with her, and I said no. She then said that it was best for us to split up.

I backed off a little on that; I basically don't trust my own feelings. I don't want to waste her or my time if there's truly nothing there anymore, but I don't want to throw away something good on a momentary emotion.

Am I an idiot? Am I looking a gift horse in the mouth?

[Cadet]

Am I an idiot? Am I looking a gift horse in the mouth?

How do you KNOW that she is just not testing YOU?

If she truly wants to make this work then you - not pursuing is not going to STOP her.

What have you learned here?
Do you think you should throw all your learning away?

[NH115]

That's just it! I DON'T know that she's not just testing. The fact that it switched so suddenly really bothers me. She's a bit of an odd duck, but that just seems off to me.

I'm not pursuing. I genuinely don't know how I feel at this point.