What to do

[Mozza]

1976T - I get the sense that this will be a journey of learning and self-awareness for you. My own WW cheated on me in 2009 and this time left me for a colleague four weeks after she started a new job. I understand what you mean when you say it all happens so fast. But it happens nevertheless.

You really look like someone who would benefit from reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. Perhaps you're already familiar with it?

Also, look deep down why you love your WW so much, despite what she's done to you. In my case, my IC helped me realize that I have a lot of insecurities around women and that this means I believe I need to accept whatever my WW does because I'll never find another one like her. I have detachment and boundaries issues, much like you.

Make sure you read a lot around here because what you're going through is not as unique as it feels. I would recommend the sitches of TenBook, Barry, Closer2 and Fogg at this stage. Look at the success stories at the top of my thread to understand their arc. It takes time and patience.

Finally, please create a signature to let us know about your age, that of your W, children, marriage, etc. It helps a lot to tailor the advice to your sitch. Go to "My stuff", "Edit profile" to create it.

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[1976 T]

We are having very little phone or text contact some days none at all. It all seems so easy for her which i cant understand. It is almost as if she is already over me. I know i have to give her space to figure things out. Its just amazing how she does not seem to even miss me. I have quit all begging and pleading with her. This hard to do. I have read the DB book twice, and couselor said would be best for me to do.

[edz]

Hi.

Sorry you find yourself here 1976, I'd heed the advice above though and say this is one of the best groups of people you could wish for to help you through this.

I'm not a veteran so my advice is all around my own experience, I'd always put it below that of the vets who'll pop in to advise you.

My sitch has been ongoing since last July and although its somewhat improving I'm still separated and contact with w and practising detachment (a word you're going to hear a lot) is the part I've struggled with the most from the early days (I now know during which w thought she'd be happy to never see or talk to me again) through to our now quite frequent contact.

Understand, as I didnt, right now your w isnt your w, she may be done, think she is done or at least hardened to you or maybe taking time to work on how she feels. Try not to mind read and guess what she's doing, as you have done just give her space and start working on you for now.

My sitch has no third person in it that there's ever been a trace or admission of (and this far in with s coming back and forth from wife it would be apparent by now) but has some issues I cant raise on the forum for w's privacy which I wont violate. I'd agree with Mozza though add a signature so we can quick reference your sitch, those recommendations sound good too.

I read NMMNG and did some work on my boundaries and expectations early on. I had huge co-dependency and self worth issues caused by undiagnosed depression and it was one of the first things I started to deal with in quite a lot of counselling last year. Its still one of the hardest things I've gone through but Im coming out of it a better version of me than I have been for a very long time.

Finally, try not to panic, breathe and relax or practice trying to do so. Its a horrible feeling being where you are which everyone here will know from personal experience (even allowing for differences in sitch). So when you get some advice know its coming not from a dry source but from hard won progress or experience. Definitely make sure you get and read (and re read) the books though as its easy to mis-apply advice if you dont.

Above all realise that you can only affect YOU here which is what DB is about, its not a way to change or manipulate anyone (as Cadet and Wonka say above) nor is it a magic wand, you can examine and change and better you in any way possible. You cannot flip a switch and change your w's feelings or intentions, she must do that herself if its to happen.

Take it easy and post back soon.

Sending you positive thoughts.

Edz

[1976 T]

Thankyou so much. People that are not going through this on the outside just dont understand the pain and heart ache that comes with this. I hope my wife and i can evently be able to start with some commnication too. I hope the best for you. Please keep me informed of your progress if you dont mind.

[1976 T]

I believe or i should say i know i was too dependent on my wife for happiness and forgot how to make my self happy. I am in the process of trying to find that again now. Too bad i did not realize this before. Thanks for the advice.

[edz]

No problems 76 (as I shall call you ) feel free to pop into my threads (I'm on my 17th right now - they lock after ~ 100 posts) may be of help or at least show some progress Ive made (and the reverse at times).

You can access them by clicking on my name

<------------- thataway and selecting posts then going through the pages. Dont try private messaging its disabled on these boards for good reasons.

Things will get better, it may not seem like it, they may not be in the shape you want right now, they certainly wont be the same as they were but its an opportunity to make them better than that. You dont have control right now to say that will be with your w but you can shape everything else about that future so work on that, on you, for now

Take it easy.

[1976 T]

Yesterday was quite hard day for me with not being with my wife and son. She had made plans for him whitch did not incliude me. The holidays can be a depressing time when life hits you with marritial issues. I know i have to be postive and control my emotions toward her so she can figure this all out without me persuing he. I have done this for a week now giving her space she has asked for. Its still hard though, but i know i must do this.

[sandi2]

So you think you are staying out of the house a few days, while it gives her the space she wants, then you'll go home?

Sorry to tell you, but the whole "needing space" was just to get you out. She has no intentions of letting you go back home.

[1976 T]

We have been going to couseling for three weeks now. Wife claims other man just friend from group she hangs out with. My 4 1/2 year old knows to much about him. Wife and I had a fuss when I confronted her about this. Said she did not know what she wanted and it was over and I should get a attorney. So I did. The next morning she contacts me to tell me she was only mad when telling me that. She says we need to talk. I went to couseling by myself. Couseler tells me that these people she has been hanging out with are all just party friends. That this is a form of midlife crisis not to give up. So I finally called wife back last night to talk as she wanted. Asked her would she be willing to go back to couseling and do the seperation time correctly. She agreed to go back to the couseling. Says she does miss me and feels safe seeing me at couseling. I have been a little crazy lately. Says she is not ready for us to be alone. That we must follow the couselers guide lines. She also tells me that she would not feel comfortable with any type of physical relations between us because it would send mixed emotions. I have not tried or asked for any type physical relations since seperation. How can I tell if she is really putting forth an effort. I have to be seperated a year in the state we live before we can get a divorce unless I file on adultry. I have a attorneys appointment today. Feel like I should go ahead and file, but also feel like I would be making a mistake doing so quickley. Any input would be greatly appreciated.