I truly believe she does not have good intentions for our marriage. Please give some input.
Then move on. Serial infidelity is an EXTREMELY tough nut to crack, and that's WITH the person wanting to change and getting the help of a good individual -- and marriage -- counselor.
I also think her "no physical relations" thing is because she doesn't want to "cheat" on her OM. Twisted, yeah I know, but that's pretty much SCRIPT.
Even if you don't "move on" you must "move forward" and live your life, My suggestion is to live "as if" she is never coming back. What do you want your life to look like?
I have read DR and DB twice and applying these techniques. When I carried my son up we calmly discussed our finances and how we would do this during our seperation. I calmly asked her if it was over in her head to just let me go and I would accept that and move on. She informs me that she does not no what she wants again and hates to go and decide on divorce and then regret it in three months. The only thing I can do is let her live her life without doing all the wrong moves which have stopped doing a couple of weeks ago. Does anyone have any other advice for me how can I turn this around to put the ball in my court just a little bit. It maybe to late to apply some of the plans in the DR book. She is a special case.
It's hard to let go in my heart. Is there anything I can do to turn this around. I would think she has some hope for us. Why want she just end it with me.
Standing for your M standing for you. This means not wanting your old M but a new improved one.
Kell, you stand for you. You DB for you. You stand for something new, different, a future.
Your WW wants an A or multiple A. I still stay move back in and WW will have to begin to suffer the consequences. There are many wonderful dads here who look after their children and live in their home. Dads can be the best option to care for their children.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I read through your thread, and the folks who have replied to you have given good advice. I know it's hard, but you have to let go. You can only work on you, and by doing that, you may draw her back to you. She has things of her own to work out, and you can't really help her with that. Back off, respect it, and use the time to reflect and grow.
A basic principle of DB is to work on yourself, better yourself, in order to be the best "you" that you can be. Become someone only a fool would leave. It may bring your W around, it may not. But, if you truly better yourself, in the end, you will be okay either way.
Detach! Detach! Detach! It is going to be the hardest step, and your ability to do it will cycle, until you really start to be okay with it. GAL activities will help as well.
Don't let your feelings cloud your mind. It will happen often, but you need to think things through to determine the true source. You need that logic to help you through this.
Example: My wife is in an active EA/PA with a coworker, our son has very likely already met this "friend", and it kills me that she thinks that is OK. But, logic dictates that I need to set a boundary for that, even though my heart tells me I should plead with her not to do it. I have to let logic rule that decision, because she does not care what is in my heart at the moment.
You have to begin to command respect and not be a doormat for her wishy-washy "unsure" statements. She is trying to keep you hooked, and so far, she has been successful. Don't let it continue to be that way.
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
Hi 1976, I saw your message on another thread. Actually, I have been checking on your stitch, and see where you and W are separating. I hear your desperation, 1976. I know you must be scared, but sometimes a separation works for the good of the couple. I know you reached out to me......and it causes me to feel a special burden in my heart for you. I cannot give any specific step that will granatee a remedy for your situation, but I will be glad to give you advice from the viewpoint of a WW.
Whenever I read about a woman having more then one EA, it causes me to believe she is searching for emotional fulfillment, and maybe she thinks it will come from some man. Of course, there is always the possibility that there are deeper issues at play. Do you have information that might give you clues about past relationships, and if she bounced from one guy to another fairly frequently? (Sorry, I can't go back and check your posts ATM,)
Some women have what I think of as the "Prince Syndrome". (I just made that up). In other words, she believes the man is out there who can make her experience the ending of a fair tale. You know old fairy tales always ended with the words......"and they lived happily ever after". So, she goes from one frog to the other, kissing them and hoping to find her prince, who bring this everlasting happiness.
You said the two of you had been each other's best friend, right? I think being friends with our spouse is certainly an added bonus in M. However, what I have seen in threads over the past eight years, are M's where couples bond in friendship.......and then the W begins to want more. She has lost romantic feelings for her best friend husband and is desperate to have those "in love" feelings. The H usually fits the "Nice Guy" profile and what attracted her in the beginning seems to have disappeared and a more passive behavior took his place in the M.
Let me be as blunt as I know how. Women are not sexually attracted to passive men. They may make good friends, but not good lovers. If you became passive, she lost attraction for you. So, start now in setting yourself aright and do not display passive type behaviors or attitudes.
Another thing I see a lot in the threads here, are men who have become dependent on their R with their W to point of excluding other friendships and/or activities in life. This seems especially true when they were BFF's. Therefore, the MR is not near as healthy as they thought, and when she wants out......he is so desparate to keep her that he makes all the wrong moves.
It is critical that you lose the desperation. This M is already gone. She is gone. You can't lose what you don't have. You are wanting a miracle that will fix everything, but It has been my experience that people have to work hard to have a good M. If you will work hard to do what we advise, you can have a good M in the future, and perhaps with this woman.....who knows. But it's not going to happen right now. She has too much she has to learn from the school of Hard Knocks. Your job is to get out of the way of her education that life will teach her.
Most newcomer men want to do some action to feel that they are actually working to save the M. However, it is often challenging to get men to understand the real work that's needed. It seldom is the picture they had in mind. You have to calm yourself and stop feeling panicky over her leaving. You can't hear what others are saying, or what you read from the books b/c you are set on ultra high speed. Know what I mean?
So.......within this long post I have told you at least three big work projects. Did you see it? I'll give ya a recap. 1). End any passive type behavior. 2). Stop the desperation. 3). Get out of her way. Do you think you can handle it?
Oh, let me add another one (and I have more to come). Stop taking the blame for her affairs! She is responsible for her own actions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I calmly asked her if it was over in her head to just let me go and I would accept that and move on. She informs me that she does not no what she wants again and hates to go and decide on divorce and then regret it in three months.
You have it completely backward. The only chance in hades you stand with her is for you to dumpher......and dump her quick and hard enough to be effective.
I promise it is much more effective, in the long run, than what you are doing at the moment. But no games, you have to do it for real............and not to get a reaction from her.
She not only is wayward, but she's a serial cheater now. If you play the part of her victim, standing there and pleading for her to let you go.........she will kill you slowly before devouring you.
No speeches, no long talks, no grand announcements, b/c that will ruin the effect. Just do it. You do remember how, right?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
