Raliced - The Magnificent Seventh

[raliced]

It's time for a new thread! I'm humming the theme song to The Magnificent Seven right now - cause no one can be sad or gloomy while tapping their foot to that one.

I'll respond later to some of the recent great posts on my thread.

In the meantime - here's the link to my last thread....

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...653#Post2538653

[raliced]

Ok - a few comments to finish off a few items from my last thread...

I trusted x Mr. GB implicitly, and while I agree everyone can move forward and have a wonderful life, I don't know if I agree with some that think you *get over* this. I do feel like this alters you permanently and it is your choice how you proceed. Still, it is virtually impossible for me to imagine trusting someone like that again. 2x4 me. I'm okay with it:)

and

I am with you. I don't think I will ever trust or love anyone again. My walls are soooo high. I too don't think I cold ever bring anyone new into my kids lives. I just don't feel comfortable with it. Call me paranoid or bitter, but that's my hoest emotion.

I talked about the subject of trust a few threads ago and I really liked Zew's response.....

Raliced, this thought crosses my mind as well, and when it does, I remind myself of what trust is. Trust comes from observing a consistent response to a given stimulus. Simple as that. You will trust again. Even in lesser matters, your H will, over time, give a consistent response, (good or bad) and you will learn to trust that.

In other words, you will learn to expect a response to any given situation. It may sound a little Pavlovian. It also reminds me that we are told not to have expectations, and yet, that's all that trust is. Just goes to show how fragile it is.

I think my issue is not so much believing I could trust again, but doubting I would allow myself to be vulnerable enough to enter into a situation where I could potentially get hurt again. Maybe I'm parsing the distinction between Trust and Vulnerability a little too much. I guess you can't have one without the other. Oh and honestly - I've probably evolved into more of a "Trust but Verify" mindset these days. I see it popping up everywhere - not just with STBX - the days of blind faith in my fellow man may have evaporated permanently.

My WW left me saying this is what she was seeking. For me, it's different from feeling whole. I also feel more like myself now, without the compromises of an R. But much like having a job or kids make me feel connected to the human experience, so does being in a couple. I even love the responsibilities that come with it. The other day, I had a crying fit watching House M.D. because a husband was asked to make life-or-death decisions for his unconscious wife and I was so sad to have been stripped of that responsibility. Have I been untrustworthy? That's an example of feeling whole to me.

Mozza- I think that, yes, we are looking at the concept of "whole " a little differently. I don't want to spark a big gender discussion here- but there's a lot of literature out there about how women still tend to give up parts of themselves in marriage. Maybe that's true, maybe not, or maybe it's changing. I can say in my marriage - I reached out to embrace my STBX's tastes and interests, but he did not do the same. So while I learned to love Fantasy football and even embraced NASCAR so that we could enjoy them together, he never made any effort to watch Masterpiece Theater with me so that we could have some lively highbrow discussion. And by the way, I'm not blaming him for that at all. He didn't ask these things of me, and I don't believe I ever asked him. Lesson definitely learned.

[Georgiabelle]

I'm a trust and verify girl myself. Again, I feel a bit envious of those that don't feel the need to do so, however, that isn't me.

Heavy D-it's not that I don't think I can trust or love again. Yes, the idea of a R makes me queasy now:) However, my point is that I don't know if I can trust again the way I trusted x Mr. GB. I think a part of that *innocence* (not sure that is really the word I want so perhaps Raliced, our resident wordsmith, knows a better choice)is gone. I have a difficult time envisioning a deep trust if that makes sense. Like I said. It's all a process. And your sitch is fairly new and I think you are doing a great job.

Fantastic response, Zew.

[Underdog]

I also love the Magnificent Seven. Who's your favorite? Mine... Yul Brynner.

This is clearly a post of do what I say and not what I do. I'm the poster child for the great wall of China, and I've openly let people know in my recent and long ago past that my children were my #1 and #2 priorities, and that there was no room for any more at the inn. That's also very true. But the easy reason behind it was so eloquently put by you, R. Last summer, I put myself into therapy because I was generally down. I had lost the first of 3 people very important to me, and I just wasn't bouncing along happily enough for my own satisfaction. Surprisingly, I managed to completely address my grief in 2 sessions, but still felt I hadn't figured stuff out.

MUCH to my further surprise, the V word came up... again, and again, and again. You know, vulnerability. Like ya'll here, I'm really bad at being vulnerable - I always have been bad at it, and I got worse after the D. The problem is that I want intimate relationships with people. I don't just mean sexual ones - I mean spiritually close relationships with those in my inner circle. And it's just not possible without vulnerability. My problem and solution are the catch 22.

My counselor had me hook into Brene Brown. She sure hit a nerve. I highly recommend googling her TED talks and proceeding from there. She reminded me that I'll never have what I want the most if I don't put myself in the position to be vulnerable.

Since I don't have anyone around that interests me at the moment, I just work on the relationships I have in my life. I work at being authentic with my D21, Mr. W., my sister, her hubs and my parents the most. Because I trust them. My C gave me that homework so I can work at keeping my heart from continuing to harden and to prepare myself for something good by keeping my cynicism and sarcasm at bay. It's awfully tempting, and sometimes I give in to it. (Think Maleficent cursing Aurora because there is no such thing as true love...)

Anyway, you'll all get there when you're ready to jump in the pool, right?

[raliced]

Betsey - while I would normally say Steve McQueen trumps all (I'm embarrassed to say how many times I've seen The Great Escape), when it comes to The Magnificent Seven, I have a soft spot for James Coburn's character. That initial knife throwing scene is too awesome.

I appreciate the wisdom of your words about vulnerability. It's something I completely understand logically - but boy is it hard to put into practice. I'll check out the TED talks.

Without trying to sound like a martyr, it feels right to focus my energy on my little party of three for the time being, while also enriching all my non-romantic relationships, which will eventually include STBX. I don't feel like I'm actively hiding or shutting myself off from anything - more like healing and rebuilding for a bit.

Who knows what the future will bring? Just because one fisherman threw me back, it doesn't mean I'm not still a good catch . I'll do my best to keep an open mind and heart and not turn too curmudgeonly, but I'm also aware that dating in my 40s, with kids, a crazy schedule, a mortgage and a pretty full life would be pretty challenging.

Anyway - I've been mulling around what is probably a pretty hare brained scheme to start a side business to supplement my income - one more piece of my fresh start.

[raliced]

Gah. Horrible night. We're having pictures taken for D7s softball team. It's STBXs night, but I have to be here too because I'm one of the coaches. D3 started wailing when she saw me that she wanted to go home with me. Full on sobbing.

I'm having a moment where I hate him again.

[Maybell]

Wish I could fix it. I'm sorry that happened.

[raliced]

So - just to follow up. The episode last night was really upsetting. D3 begged pleaded and sobbed for almost 15 minutes to go home with me and sit on my lap. Throughout, STBX sat by the side and doodled on his stupid phone. How I hate that phone - I think of the last two years when he was constantly on that thing and I realize how much of his time and energy must have been spent on swapping messages with his mistresses while I was in the room with him.....I've known this for months of course, but seeing him do it while D3 is having a meltdown clearly related to our situation really unearthed some anger. Right after BD, I asked him to refrain from texting and checking his phone when he is around me, and he did for about a month - but I guess it is just too irresistible.

Not to be outdone, after the pictures were taken, D7 started crying, hanging from my arm and telling me how much she was going to miss me.

I felt totally gutted when I left to go home and had nonstop nightmares all night.

[Miman2]

Oh raliced, that's absolutely tear inducing. Sorry to hear about your horrible night. I know I went to GAL last night and felt lonely afterwards and that made me feel down. But to have your kids begging and missing you not only tugs on the heartstrings but violently thrashes them about, and to have STBXH basically ignoring them...

Here's to hoping and praying your night's become more restful and your pain and anger subsides quickly.

[labug]

He's found his drug, the place where he doesn't have to be here now. (HT to Ram Dass)

Many seemingly "with it" people are fine when a R ambles along easily. I think that's where the "we shouldn't have to work at it" story originates. But then when kids, stress, real life hits, not many have the emotional depth or insight to do what needs to be done.

So they look for the next "I shouldn't have to work at it R."

Sorry you had such a bad night.