Moving On - LisaB

[Mozza]

LisaB! I'm so happy to see you back. I was wondering about you and already feeling the loss of a friend. You see we kept your seat warm.

As you might know, I go to great lengths to cut all ties to my WW. Of course, we have the kids, but I keep it to a minimum, not even a hint of color in my emails to her. I also tend to bunch my responses to her. I recently asked her to use email instead of text, which feels too direct. I certainly wouldn't have an investment with her. This being said, because of the kids, the contacts are constant and I so wish I could cut her out of my life completely. If you decide that this investment is too much trouble, make the decision for yourself then implement it steadily for he might want you to change your mind.

(I hate my own advice because I understand that my W got this kind of advice when she consulted friends and IC about the separation. She came to me with a final decision. Her motto is "I'm going forward, not looking back!" Argh.)

As for selecting a mate, I feel like I don't know much more than 20 years ago. I was so smug and confident when I selected WW. I went around saying how better I was at finding someone now that I was 29, that I knew what I wanted. Look at what happened: the worst decision of my life. In retrospect, there were so many red flags. It feels like I'll fall into new traps next time. Like I don't have any advice to give to anyone regarding their mate selection either.

One thing I'll say though is that the route to dating very rarely goes through friendship. It might feel like the safe road, but it's more like quicksand where the relationship will die. He's single now, but he might meet someone on Friday. I encourage you a little to question whether it's worth giving a little push to get out of your comfort zone. Sometimes we have good reasons, sometimes we have excuses. I'm not sure how to differentiate them, but I encourage you to explore.

[LisaB]

Hi ladies and gents,
Thanks for saying hello and keeping up with me.

And thanks for the dating words of wisdom Mozza.

Turns out my time out of the dating pool may be having detrimental effects on my ability to understand how it works!

I thought the guy was supposed to chase the girl and I was supposed to sit back and wait. Turns out that maybe is not so much the case nowadays and I am supposed to be a bit more proactive. I have now heard from several friends what Mozza basically said, I should be giving myself a little push out of my sit-back-comfort-zone to let him know I am interested. Even though I am scared out of my wits.

I must say I have quite a few guys chasing after me and they are very persistent. (I am not interested in them at all) So I thought ..if a guy likes me, he will call and text me... a lot. Turns out only the weirdos call and text a lot with no encouragement from me. Who knew? hahaha.

So I am learning and trying to get out of my comfort zone.

What's the deal with the exH? Well, he's been texting me a bit, being friendly and hinting he wants to spend time together. Suddenly I don't care all that much. It's VERY nice not to care all that much. We'll see.

For those of you wondering what is going on with your wayward man, I read the other day that something like 90% of guys have regrets and wish they could go back to an old relationship while only 25% of women do. Interesting.

Hugs to all and have a great weekend!
LisaB

[Mozza]

I thought the guy was supposed to chase the girl and I was supposed to sit back and wait.

Yes, that's how it is most often. It's how it's described in Models too, where Manson suggests that the role of men is to move the process along and for the women to send signals (stop or keep going).

But...

I am scared out of my wits.

Welcome to our world! The fear of rejection is incredibly strong (especially for Nice Guys). It is also what can make us stick into bad relationships because we are so afraid, even subconsciously, of going back to the dating scene. Finding the courage to act despite of this fear is one of the reasons I got into dating-while-separated recently. I find it tremendously hard and sometimes just sit there with an attractive woman in sight, lost in my thoughts as to why I won't even walk up to her and introduce myself. I report on some of these situations on my thread. The ultimate goal is to feel confident that I can find someone that can make me happy and not settle for the first attractive AND responsive woman. Getting out of your comfort zone on this will be a huge learning experience for you, to understand what men approaching you are facing, but also to build your confidence that you can be choosy.

By the way, another nugget of advice I got from Models: When you realize someone is not interested, move along immediately. There is no use in trying to convert them. You want someone who's enthusiastic about you. So your goal is to quickly identify whether someone's interested ("polarizing") by asking for a phone number, offering to meet, etc. They are not interested? Next! Plenty of people out there.

By the way, you might want to follow Karma12's thread. She's now dating a fireman who's a bit clumsy, in my opinion, in his approach but apparently interested in her and things are progressing slowly but nicely.

[Zues126]

For those of you wondering what is going on with your wayward man, I read the other day that something like 90% of guys have regrets and wish they could go back to an old relationship while only 25% of women do. Interesting.
LisaB

It's strange, I've seen so many conflicting surveys it's enough to drive someone crazy. Stats on who recovers quicker, emotionally, financially, who's happier, remarriage stats, regrets, etc, etc. But then another stat says that unhappily married couples that stick together end up being happy in their marriage at an 80% clip 5 years later. Point is, when an M is that bad it's hard to regret not being in that spot down the road. And for a WAS they attribute the D to escaping that destiny, whereas it might have been escaped without such a destructive choice but they'll never realize that.

I am skeptical of all of them. It's like the joke about the statistician that drown in a river that was on average 2 feet deep

Besides...you're not a statistic, nor am I. We are one situation. So regardless of trends, our situation is unique.

But it does bring up an interesting point. After some honest reflection I can tell you that I do still cling to the hope that my ex will regret the divorce someday (even if we don't ever get back together). And I am of the hope that someday I'll be glad we DID get divorced. It's probably a sign I have growth and more detaching ahead of me (which I already knew), I'd like to reach the point where it no longer matters to me. But I know that if my STBX looks back at the D as the best move she ever made even after she gets out of the fog and after I've become a different man, well that would still sting me a bit.

I think for me I'll always view it as a tragic and unnecessary loss, and while my M was terrible I do believe that we were supposed to stick through the difficult times, make serious sacrifices about what we wanted from an M, and do the best we could to appreciate what we did have and the broken partner we were with. I don't know that view will ever change.

But though I'll always consider that a sad chapter in the story of my life, I do intend for the next chapters to be about my personal growth, strength, appreciation for my life, and the chapters after that the union of me and a partner that feels the way I do about the importance of commitment. Bottom line, I can still be content with my life without ever rejoicing in the loss that's occurred.

And it wouldn't surprise me if my W never regretted her decision because she WILL be happier in 5 years most likely than at the bottom of our M, so she will use that to confirm her decision. And the loss of the M won't be as impactful to her because clearly it meant more to me. That may sound like mindreading, but I think it's fair to say since I NEVER would walk away from an M and she did, so clearly the importance of a lifelong commitment was conditional to her at some point. So I guess I just have to make peace with this and look forward to whatever lies ahead, be it a partner that is willing to go the distance, or another failed launch. Either way all I can control is the choices I make and me doing my part, so I'll be content doing my half as best I can.

[Zues126]

Now that I've typed that I feel better. I see that it's still part of me holding on to resentment, hoping that she gets hurt for the hurts she's caused me...and still keeping score of who's "right and wrong", feeling that she's wrong and hoping that she'll realize her "mistake" someday.

After I typed that it helped me...I am letting go of my resentment a lot, but it's not easy. Catching myself holding these grudges is good, because it will lead me to moving on. In all reality I hope she DOESN'T regret leaving me, and that she goes on and has a fulfilling life. She deserves it, and I want her to find peace. I wish it could've been different, but not enough for her to suffer for it.

Thanks for talking about this. Anyone else have similar feelings?

[Karma12]

Hi Lisa,

I think we are walking down similar paths. I too am finding this new dating world different from what I remembered. Lol

Hugs,

Karma

[LisaB]

Hi Karma! I'm coming over to your thread to check out your fireman adventures

Zues - I totally hear what you are saying! I am in the same boat. I think I will be/am happy that we split up, but I still want HIM to regret it, even if we never get back together. It is exactly what you said, holding on to resentment and my own ego being bruised. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on that.

Mozza - you bring up lots of great points! Indeed it's scary to like someone and have the potential of being rejected yet again even if the other person is making all the moves.
I like how you say you are approaching dating as a challenge to get out of your comfort zone. I'm going to attempt to do the same. Try to learn a bit about myself and hopefully have some fun too!

Hugs to all!
LisaB

[LisaB]

By the way, another nugget of advice I got from Models: When you realize someone is not interested, move along immediately. There is no use in trying to convert them. You want someone who's enthusiastic about you. So your goal is to quickly identify whether someone's interested ("polarizing") by asking for a phone number, offering to meet, etc. They are not interested? Next! Plenty of people out there.

Mozza, I really like this.

[Bob723]

Thanks for talking about this. Anyone else have similar feelings?

Zues, As Lisa mentioned, I think someday I will be happy that we split up, but I still want my W to regret it. It is so hard for me to let go of the resentment. I know I need to, but I'm not ready to yet.

Lisa, I think your attitude about trying to learn about yourself and have some fun, too, is a good step towards moving forward. Good luck to you!

Bob

[pilot]

Zues, As Lisa mentioned, I think someday I will be happy that we split up, but I still want my W to regret it. It is so hard for me to let go of the resentment. I know I need to, but I'm not ready to yet.

Want to make her regret it? Live a great and meaningful life. Do it for yourself with zero thought of how your W views it. Only then will she see what she lost.