Moving On - LisaB

[Bob723]

[Want to make her regret it? Live a great and meaningful life. Do it for yourself with zero thought of how your W views it. Only then will she see what she lost.

Pilot, thank you so much. How true!

Bob

[Bob723]

Lisa,

I hope you don't mind me replying directly to pilot in your thread.

I think we can both benefit from the advice.

Regards,

Bob

[pilot]

Lisa never listened to me

[Karma12]

Hi Lisa,

I really liked what Mozza said about moving on right away if someone is not interested. I got many mixed signals when I first started dating my clumsy fireman. He was over the top into me at first and then backed away. It cause me to stay guarded. I sensed something wasn't right. Then when he asked me to start dating again a few weeks later he was over the top again and asked me to let my guard down and see what happens. There are many out there that send mixed signals. It's best in my opinion to move away from those that are flip flopping like pancakes. Those that have commitment issues tend to come on strong at first and then back away when you respond. Then when you get frustrated and back away they try and win u back. They can't commit to no and they can't commit to yes. I had a feeling this was the case with my Fireman. Thankfully I had kept my eyes wide open and protected my heart.

I will continue to check in to see how you are doing. We can swap dating stories! Lol

[LisaB]

Lisa never listened to me

LOL!
Pilot, you know I only listened to you!

I'm feeling pretty good, my friends. What Pilot said is true. She/he will regret it when they see you are doing just fine and dandy without them. I believe that is what is happening in my case. The exH is all over me trying to be my best buddy. If he doesn't regret it, he will soon. Bob, I think they sense when you have let go. We all say this but it is really impossible to fake. You can keep some semblance of pride by following the DB rules until you actually are able to let go.

I have a "date" with The Man next weekend. Not sure if it is an actual date or friendzone as it is a party with a group of people. We'll see! I'm going to take Mozza's words to heart and just attempt to put it out there that I am interested/curious. I am excited and terrified.

It's quite an adventure navigating these dating waters, right Karma? I can't tell if it is different than it was before now with things like Tinder being so common. Also I am so used to being very friendly with male coworkers and friends that I can't really recall how to be coy and flirty...

How's everyone doing today?

Hugs, Lisa

[pilot]

Doing well and happy to see you are as well! Flirt away!!!

[LisaB]

Glad to hear it pilot! I missed you!

[Karma12]

Hi Lisa,

Yep it is not always easy swimming in the dating pool. Especially when you jump in the deep end! Hahaha.

My STBX is the same as yours. He tries to keep some sort of connection with me. I agree that they do know when you have truly let go. It is not something you can fake. Not to sound all new age weird here but I believe we are connected through our energy fields. If you are constantly thinking about someone the know it and feel it in their subconscious mind. When you do let go and break that connection I believe they feel that too.

When I had my SD over for a visit last week my STBX said he would come pick her up. I had for some time been distracted by the Fireman so I was no longer spending much time thinking about my STBX. Nor was I contacting him unless I absolutely had to. When he came to pick up SD he came up to my suite. He hugged me hello and stayed and chatted for a bit. Then when they were leaving I was approaching SD for a goodbye hug. She was putting her coat on so while I was waiting for her he turned around and said " I'll hug you" and did. I just chucked to myself when he left.

[LisaB]

Karma, I totally agree with what you said about the energy field. I don't know, it sounds super wacky but it does seem to be true!

Maybe it's also that we aren't thinking about them so when they do pop up it seems more unexpected.

[LisaB]

Hello dear friends, thought I'd give a little update.

I met up last week with WAH and it was interesting.

As he came into view at the meeting location my first thoughts were something along the lines of "wow, yuck, he looks 50 years old and terrible". (he's 30 for those who don't know my whole story)

We had a nice time together, everything went smoothly with lots of laughs and all was OK. There were a few things I was nervous about before meeting up, I get the idea that he is still dating a lot (whether one or more people I don't know) and I was concerned he would drop hints or try to talk about it and the subject makes my blood boil. But we managed to avoid that topic.

Interestingly enough, I really do not feel I want him back at all. I am not attracted to him physically and I find him immature and repulsive at this stage. I wonder if he has drastically changed or I am just seeing him in a new way. But we get along fine actually and I feel friendly toward him, other than my complete and irrational anger when it comes to other women.

So all in all it went well, but after I went home I felt pretty awful! Very unsteady and emotional. Not crying or anything like that, just something like dissatisfaction or depression. A low feeling but not for any reason I could put my finger on. Uneasy.

A few days later I happened upon a photo that a mutual friend posted online. Long story short, I realized the photo included a girl he has been dating for about 6 months. Against my better judgement, I did a little stalking and found out a bit about her. My reaction interested me.

I sense that she is a good person, a nice person, a simple person. Like him, from a small town. Like him, not exactly ugly but not exactly attractive either. Basically a 5-6 out of 10. A little nerdy. My first reaction was "oh, they are a good match. They are very alike."

I felt relief. I know some of the other girls he has been seeing, and they are interesting, cool and glamorous. And I knew he was dating this particular girl but I didn't know anything about what she was like. I imagined the worst. Not only beautiful, but also funny, smart and cool. Of course, why else would he choose her over me? She must be amazing!

Finally putting a face to the name actually made me feel a lot better. She is not as exciting as I imagined. I'm sure she's a very nice person but she's not an improvement on me as far as I can tell. It's very shallow and silly but it made me feel better. And then it made me confused.

Well, as I said above, if she isn't better than me, why is he choosing her over me?
But maybe he isn't choosing her instead. Maybe he is just not choosing me! How can that be?

A little discomfort set in again. But overall, I feel better knowing that the reality of her is not as exciting as my imagination of her. I know there are other girls too, and that he is not really that into this woman even though he has been seeing her for 6 months. (he actually told me this) I think she is the "best" option he has now and he'd rather be with her than alone. Pathetic.

All in all, I am realizing that I am pretty much over him but the fact that he left me for another woman (OW1) has made me extra sensitive and insecure about this topic. Still some healing to do. I think a new relationship of my own will probably be the thing that helps me completely let go. But I am not ready for that yet.

I share these steps of my journey in hopes it helps someone else who is struggling along the path. I hope all of you are doing really well.

Hugs, LisaB