Their are very powerful forces at work here. More powerful than you can possibly imagine.
I went to a school that had an honor code, we will not lie, steal, or cheat or tolerate anyone that does.
General Petreaus went to a school with almost the same code as mine, yet he lied and cheated and tolerated others to do the same after a long career and marriage.
I find it hard to believe that a very powerful force did not overcome him to make such a profound change in his very core values. I have classmates and other grads that I know that have gone down the same path. These were very honorable people, yet look at what they did.
Starsky is quite correct in his assesment, and are spouses the ones we trusted more than anyone in the world can not be trusted, whether you see cheating or not. Once the bomb has dropped they are no longer the people that you once knew.
Can anyone give advice as to how to know if you and your stbx are reconnecting, or just in the process of saying goodbye? Over the past week, we put the house on the market, house went under contract and D paperwork was filed (been a very, very rough week). Since then, H has cried in front of me, then he initiated a “talk” about our relationship for the first time EVER (and it was truly open and honest) and last night was a real doozy. H came over to fix a few things around the house, I offered some food, and we sat at our kitchen table chatting about family and funny things that have happened in our lives post-separation. Before he left, I thanked him for being so respectful of me and fair during this D process, (which he knows I don’t want, but won’t fight b/c it’s what he wants). I said it exemplifies the integrity I knew he always possessed. He was so taken aback that he literally walked out the door before realizing he forgot his shoes haha Since a short period of NC ended a couple weeks ago, I’ve been DBing and 180ing and the anger, resentment, stress, tension, etc between us has been slipping away rapidly, especially this past week and last night. He doesn’t feel like a stranger anymore, our communication feels like it’s “us” again….but not really in a romantic way…at least that’s how it feels. Does anyone have any thoughts on what’s maybe going on? Feels like my hope is slipping away and I’m now truly realizing I need to let him go. But, I know emotions are ever-changing, and it seems like I go through a different phase/mindset everyday. I’m either confused….or in denial.
Can anyone give advice as to how to know if you and your stbx are reconnecting, or just in the process of saying goodbye? Over the past week, we put the house on the market, house went under contract and D paperwork was filed (been a very, very rough week). Since then, H has cried in front of me, then he initiated a “talk” about our relationship for the first time EVER (and it was truly open and honest) and last night was a real doozy. H came over to fix a few things around the house, I offered some food, and we sat at our kitchen table chatting about family and funny things that have happened in our lives post-separation. Before he left, I thanked him for being so respectful of me and fair during this D process, (which he knows I don’t want, but won’t fight b/c it’s what he wants). I said it exemplifies the integrity I knew he always possessed. He was so taken aback that he literally walked out the door before realizing he forgot his shoes haha Since a short period of NC ended a couple weeks ago, I’ve been DBing and 180ing and the anger, resentment, stress, tension, etc between us has been slipping away rapidly, especially this past week and last night. He doesn’t feel like a stranger anymore, our communication feels like it’s “us” again….but not really in a romantic way…at least that’s how it feels. Does anyone have any thoughts on what’s maybe going on? Feels like my hope is slipping away and I’m now truly realizing I need to let him go. But, I know emotions are ever-changing, and it seems like I go through a different phase/mindset everyday. I’m either confused….or in denial.
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I’m feeling so incredibly low and hopeless lately. The official “mandatory waiting” period for the D began a few days ago. I signed the papers right away, knowing that any procrastination or stalling on my part would make things worse (i.e. make H want D even more). On top of that, we’re both moved out now (I moved about two weeks ago) and we’re selling our house right now, already have a buyer. stbxH and I have had to communicate a lot and spend time together getting the house ready, etc. Since following the 180s and DBing, things have been much warmer between us, but in a “friend zone” way, and I’ve seen him get emotional a few times about the house. Anyway, I asked my DB coach if I should ask stbxH for an unspecified period of NC after the house sells (which is soon) and keep things a little less buddy-buddy on my end until then. She thought it was a good idea because she said it sounds like he’s been cake-eating and needs to know what it really means to lose me. Problem is (and our phone session was up before I could ask coach this), I’ve had this fear that he’d just stop talking to me after the house sells, other than brief questions about D process (which should be final by mid-summer). Given the pattern, I can’t imagine why he’d initiate any contact at all after that since our communication is almost entirely tied to the house in some way (regardless of how much better we’ve been getting along lately). SOoooo basically, do you guys think I should beat him to the punch and ask for NC? Or would that just cause more harm? I’ve got so many mixed emotions about this. And whenever I talk myself out of either scenario, it’s because of fear. ****siiiigghhh***
I read your entire novel and your husband sounds amazingly like my wife, except she didn't control of the finances she wanted me to handle that. She has MS, is very depressed and has low self-esteem. My self-esteem is pretty low to but I'm working on it. My wife walked out on me six months ago yesterday and the very next day filed for divorce with no warning.
People on this board like Cadet, Starsky, Toots and MrBond, just to name a few, offer great advice.
Please hang in there and don't give up -- it doesn't seem like it now but you will get through this!
I'll say a prayer for you tonight that's my promise.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Thanks Bob, I really appreciate your support. And you too Cadet.
I need to post more here, I know you all are very supportive of each other. It's just hard to gain momentum as a newbie. But I'll try.
Cadet, I guess my feeling is that, if don't verbalize NC, then it won't have as much...impact? Like he'll think I'm just there hoping he'll text, etc. I guess I feel like this because, although I've had some success with the 180s, he still knows, for sure, that I don't want a D. So saying it outloud shows I'm absolutely moving on (??)
