I will try to be as brief as possible in telling my story. My wife separated from me a month ago after years of alcohol abuse and altercations between both of us. We are both Christians and departed from our values. Other problems have included sexual immorality by both of us and infidelity on my part. We have had a great number of marital problems for a long time including trust and control issues, avoidance and negativity, name calling and accusations.
We had an agreement and told our three children who we share custody with that we were going to take care of our problems and come back together as a family. She is living with her parents who place all blame on me despite my wife continually telling them that it wasn't just me. Her mother is very negative and has cursed me out on two occasions. We are currently both seeing individual counselors and attended one marriage counseling appointment but the therapist stated he wasn't equipped to handle our case so we will have to find another. I am afraid that she sees that as U.S. Being hopeless.
We had the plan and goal of reconciliation but the longer we are separated the more she pulls away. She has taken off her wedding rings saying that the marriage they represented was a lie. She continues to say that she hopes we will be back together but that I need to accept divorce is a possibility. She has spent time with me on three occasions which we agreed to before she left but she has dismissed that on a few occasions. She has changed all passwords and has a secret cell phone she will not give me the number for.
I don't know what to do. I think about her all the time and I am willing to put in the work to be the man she needs me to be. The man I want to be. We do text regularly through our iPads but she has started refusing to ask questions because she says I ask her the same stuff and that it is exhausting. She has the support of her friends but I don't have anyone other than my family. I want my wife back desperately and I know that it will take time and work but I am so afraid she isn't willing to do the work. Everyone keeps telling me to focus on myself and the kids but all I can think about is whether she is being unfaithful or planning to divorce me. When the kids aren't with me I have a great deal of difficulty with loneliness. Please someone help me.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks for the welcome. I have read Sandi's rules and heard the detachment stuff and to get a life. Those things are so difficult for me to do. I want to talk to my wife and because we discussed reconciliation as our goal, I am afraid if I am not talking about us and the future, she will just give up. She states some days that she can't even think about reconciliation much less make a decision about it but then some days she says that she has hope and is willing to try.
It is hard for me to get a life. I literally have no friends. I let all of them go when we first married because I believed it would take time away from our family. I don't know how to detach because my life was entwined with hers and I pray that she doesn't detach.
She has been very cold the last couple of weeks and says that most of what she does is in defiance of me.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/25/1505:32 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
It is hard for me to get a life. I literally have no friends. I let all of them go when we first married because I believed it would take time away from our family.
The most confusion from her part comes at the beginning and end of this. So what you are seeing is quite normal.
I think it might be time to make some new friends and figure out how to GAL. So you have any hobbies that you used to do? Or find some new ones.
Thanks Cadet. I hope the end of this means us back together as a strong family. I don't really have any hobbies outside of the house. I have always wanted to mountain bike but am afraid to spend the money needed during this time.
This whole thing has taken me over. She said last week that I need to see what the world looks like when I can't control the outcome. Makes me very scared.
I'm sure it is something I need to do but I would rather it not be related to my marriage. It is the reason I am working through my control issues and insecurities in counseling. Just wish she would say that she is committed to trying.
ESOED- Reading your posts reminds me a lot of, well...me.
First things first- have you read Divorce Remedy yet? If not I'd make that priority number one. You WILL feel better, because it will stop the free-fall. I know she is saying she wants to reconcile but her actions are the opposite. That is what reminds me of my situation (and the alcohol).
Detach. Treat the Last Resort Technique like a First Resort Technique.
How are you doing on the booze?
You are. not. alone. You are understood here. You hear me?
Of course you can hope that the end result is a healthier, stronger marriage. In fact, it is that hope that should be driving you!
But the point of GAL and detaching is not so that you can have a stronger marriage. It is so you can be a better YOU. Making a more attractive version of you is what will bring your wife around.
