The Dance of Pursuit and Distance (new)

[Lucy105]

Couple question re: the pursuer/Distancer.......are there any success stories with saved relationships using this method? Reading through this thread, I see quite a few folks talking about xH.

Also, the part where it talks about the distancer starting to contact the pursuer, and then states for the pursuer not to fall for it......at what point do you openly start to communicate with them.....how do you know they are sincere?

When H and I first met, he was definitely the pursuer, he would drive an hour to bring me flowers at work, or a poem he had written for me. I know this method could work if done right.

[CaliGuy]

Couple question re: the pursuer/Distancer.......are there any success stories with saved relationships using this method? Reading through this thread, I see quite a few folks talking about xH.

Also, the part where it talks about the distancer starting to contact the pursuer, and then states for the pursuer not to fall for it......at what point do you openly start to communicate with them.....how do you know they are sincere?

When H and I first met, he was definitely the pursuer, he would drive an hour to bring me flowers at work, or a poem he had written for me. I know this method could work if done right.

Lucy ... its not that this is a 'tactic' per say, its more of how the WAS and LBS interact and how its easy for the LBS to pursue which typically results in the WAS running faster. When the LBS pulls back, seems the table flips a bit and the WAS comes closer. ... hence "The Dance"

As far as knowing when they are 'sincere' ... yeah, I fell for that a couple times and now find myself in a position where the WAS is being sincere, to answer ... you know, its different, the communication, the exchanges, even the spats are all different when they decide to be sincere.

I have not been here as long as most .. but I have never seen a pursuer win the WAS back by continuing that behavior.

[job]

I have been a forum member since January of 2000 and I am also a member on 4 other internet forums concerning MLC and during the 15 years that I have been around, I have never seen anyone who was a pursuer win the distancer back by pursuing them. In fact, the distancer will run faster than a race horse to get away from you, the pursuer.

Also, keep in mind that people can actually be both the pursuer and distance. For example, the MLCer may distance themselves enough that the LBS, becomes the pursuer. Once the LBS (pursuer) ceases pursuing, the MLCer will turn around after a period of time and pursue the LBS, i.e., to rope them back into the game or to see if there is still any interest in the LBS for the MLCer. This particular behavior is called taking the bait from the MLCer.

Cali is correct, this is not a tactic, but more of personality traits. People posting here are generally fixers and want to fix the MLCers, i.e., the relationships, marriages, etc. and they will pretzel themselves to try to please the MLCers and convince them to come home. None of this will work. You have to detach and move on w/your life as if they aren't going to return. Of course, it's a 50%-50% either way as to whether they will return and that's why it's very important that you try to pick up the pieces and live your life for YOU.

You will sense a change in the MLCer's behavior that will tell you that they are sincere. Actions speak louder than words and yes, the communications, the exchanges and the "spats" will be different. However, it does take a very long time for this to happen.

[Lucy105]

So when he contacts me because he needs something for the business, which technically we still co-own, what do I do? Not respond?

This last week was the first week we had any civilized contact since he left. He picked up the phone to actually call me. This was after the DB coach had me send out the letter to him that she helped me put together. He was actually pleasant. However, all we talked about was generic things, nothing relationship related, and I did not get a sense he was interested in leaving the OW.

Also, he is supposed to be coming over sometime in the next week to pick up a lawn mower, he said he will contact me before he comes. Do I respond, and should I not be here when he comes?

Job.....when you say a very long time, do you mean for the initial contact from him, or before they become sincere?

[Lucy105]

I guess I'm still I'm still kind of curious too, if there are any success stories here using this method? I understand being a pursuer will not win the battle, however, does this method have success? I'm getting scared because I see a lot of xH or xW in these posts. I am willing to put in the time, but I want my marriage to work. Seeing so many X's doesn't give someone much hope for succeeding. It makes me feel like I should just save myself some heartache, and throw in the towel now.

[AJM]

What is your definition of 'success' ?

AJ

[Georgiabelle]

Lucy,

I haven't posted much lately and I'm no expert. I'm sorry you find yourself here and it's a difficult place to be. I have an x in my signature as well, however I want to just mention something. I took my vows very seriously- parents together 50 years and xh's parents together 48.

Yes, you can rebuild your R but your marriage is dead. It was dead prior to BD but your h just officially notified you then. You can rebuild a R, however it does take time. You own a biz with your h so obviously there will be interaction. Focus on you though and listen to the vets. Job 's advice is spot on.

[Lucy105]

AJ....I guess my definition of success is a relationship rebuilt to a loving one started by using this method.

Thank you Georgiabelle. Somehow this all just makes me so sad. I had hope, and now I'm left feeling defeated.

[BklynMom]

There are a lot of people that have saved their marriages.

Ladybug is one person who posted a lot when I started - she still posts updates on the piecing thread.

She left her stbx alone and went about her life. She got her own hobbies and she worked on herself. After 2 or 3 years he came home. It was only when she was ready to be without him forever that he came back.

There are many other people that have reconciled like 25 and other whose names are not coming to me.

Don't give up.

Just when the catapiller thought the world was over he becomes a butterfly.

Stay strong. Head to the light

[Mighty]

Lucy,
I, too, was intimidated by the amount of "x's." In fact, I didn't think mine would come to that- however, it ended up charging like a steam-engine full speed ahead. I don't say that to freak you out. I was divorced only months after bd. I knew deep down, he had to have it. He's just that kind of guys... goes 1000 MPH fast and hard. I just saw it as part of db. I knew I had to let it go if it were ever to come back.

I second what gb said. Now, I think things would have been different for me if xh hadn't crashed and burned so severely. So I guess my point is, don't be intimidated by the "sign" of what h or xh is. After all... it isn't until recently that I even thought of him in that capacity! And i think the same goes for him!

Yikes, sorry I have a tendency to go way around the bush... circle it a few times... before getting to the point.

It stinks... that's the bottom line. You never know what is going to come out of this thing. That's one thing you will learn. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

I knew I had to let it happen for him to see or feel anything. I know he regretted it. i know it. I know he wasn't convinced totally he wanted it. But... that just happened to be my story. Yours could very well be different. .


Actually... your story will be different. You never know what will happen at the end, Lucy. But, if you keep taking the right steps, you will be ready to handle whatever it is. Enjoy whatever is to come. Be who you are meant to be.

Keep posting. We will be here for you.