Life after D - 01 - going from dark to light

[gogofo]

Thank you for the comments Sandi. I know timelines are hard to pin down or guess for anyone.

I have always had in the back of my mind that we were going to D but that it would not be the end of us having a R, and I am not talking as co-parents. She has made comments to the same as she was/is in full WW mind mode with her mind constantly flip flopping as she tried to make a decision.

I am not waiting for her or expect this to be what will happen. They could get M and stay that way for the rest of their lives, but I see him as not the kind of person she would ever respect. She even told me before how little respect she had for this person two or three years ago.

My attitude now is my life goes on. If something happens years down the road between us, so be it, but I am not holding my breath or basing my choices on this possibility. She has to live her own life and so do I.

[gogofo]

I see a lot of people posting songs and lyrics that they like or find strength in. I have read studies that show if you are sad or hurting that sad songs actually help cheer you up and help you move on with your grief. I completely agree with this theory.

Lately I have been listening to The Black Keys "Turn Blue" album. I feel that the first couple songs, and the whole album for that matter, do a great job of summing up what it is like to have a WW. The first song in particular used to make me cry, it still floods me with emotion as the XW and I saw them live in November when they were touring this album.

I find emotional relief in this album as I listen and read the lyrics. The whole album is about the loss of someone important. It has helped me a ton, and the music is great. Having someone verbalize the pain and struggles you feel give me comfort. Misery loves company, right...

[sandi2]

I am not waiting for her or expect this to be what will happen. They could get M and stay that way for the rest of their lives, but I see him as not the kind of person she would ever respect. She even told me before how little respect she had for this person two or three years ago.

I believe in many cases the OM is is a lower level from her usual standards, b/c he fits into that whole realm of rebellion she's experiencing. In my case, I married a "goody-two shoes", in fact, we both were. So, my OM was more of a bad boy type. With him, I felt as if I had that bad girl fantasy going on, and it was a thrill b/c I had always been the person I was "expected" to be.......as a daughter, a wife, and mother. I really never acted out in rebellion when growing up. I shudder to think what would have happened if I had left my life here and went to be with him. I finally started seeing little cracks in his armour and in time I knew that I did not belong in his life.......and he sure didn't fit in mine!

[gogofo]

Yeah, just like any WW she seems to be rebelling and acting out towards what she is expected to be.

As far as me... Why do I still get knots in my stomach when I upset people. I definitely need to do more work towards not being a nice guy. I am on chapter three of the book and getting towards the nuts and bolts of it, but I definitely need to not care if I upset people.

The XW sent a text because I was at her house this weekend and gathered more of my things. I didn't give her advanced notice and she was out of town. Good reason to be upset. So now I have a knot in my stomach because she may be upset. I will give myself a little credit that it is not as big of a knot as before but I still have some work to do to not act or feel like this.

I have been doing GAL things and steadily feeling better. I get excited for the idea of dating again or at least interacting with women. I have noticed women noticing me which feels great.

My oldest keeps asking about why the XW and I don't live together. Out of the blue he told me he remembered "mom's friend's" name who is the OM. I was not as upset as I thought I would be when it is put right in my face. I didn't bring it up or say anything about it to my son. I had a head full of comments, but it is not the appropriate thing to do for anyone in this situation. I simply said "oh" and left it at that as he had already changed subjects.

More GAL for the week and I have been having fun with catching up with old friends as we are now in our 30s and having adult issue and problems. Oh the days when homework and cleaning our bedrooms seemed terrible.

Onwards and Upwards

[gogofo]

Having a great day today, feel really up and happy. I even got a comment today that it was nice to see the old Gogofo around the office. Most of my co-workers did not know what was going on with me the past 16 months until about a month and a half ago. Now they see me starting to be happy and upbeat again.

I even got the comment from my family the other day that it was nice seeing me smile.

Still have my days, but I can feel myself awakening again from the gloomy situation I had worked myself into. I feel stronger each and every day. They are the smallest tiniest of gains, but after a couple of weeks they really do add up.

Going to GAL this weekend with my friends, I am not dad this weekend.

I have a friends wife who is trying to set me up with a girl she ran into at a jewelry party. They were trying to Facebook stock me, but I have no social media accounts and I am hard to find pictures of on the internet even though I have a completely unique name (only 1 listing in the U.S.)

I had to send her a picture of myself, which is always fun trying to find a picture of yourself that you like. Out of the 1,700 on my phone, only 5 had me alone without XW or kids and I only liked one. I sent it and a message saying I hoped I looked sexy enough. She laughed and said "I was an easy sell, I have a lot going for me." Then it hit me, she is absolutely right. I do have a lot going for me and I am a good person and many women would be so lucky as to be with me. The fool left me...

[TenBook]

That is a great post Go. Please update us more often.

[gogofo]

Another quick update from me. I keep getting comments about how happy I seem and how I am acting like my old self. I feel it too. I never felt this personally good when the XW and I were doing good during our reconciliation attempts

There really is a different feeling to being happy with yourself instead of being happy because of the relationship or because the W is happy, etc.

I have been getting flattered by the attention I am getting from women. Some to the point to where I think there could be a connection between me and another girl. I use girl as she is 10 years younger than I am.

I had kind of known her before and spent an evening out with her and her friends when I ran into them about 3 weeks ago. I thought we were just having fun and talking. Last Saturday I was out and saw her again and we talked and hung out that night again. This time I was getting the "look" from her, the one that kind of shows interest. We talked some more and seem to have a connection.

Now the issue. She is the daughter of one of my bosses/co-owner in my company. Her father and I have a good strong friendship and really respect each other on a work and personal level. So I know her through her dad, but things seems to be clicking between us. Not sure what I want to do or how I feel about pursuing it. She has done a little more of the pressure applying than I have.

She is also in a different place in her life than I am, which can be expected because of the age difference. More later...

[Wonka]

Gofo,

You sound stronger lately and that's wonderful to see.

I want to caution you that you would want to keep an open mind about this 24-year old woman. Not get too caught up on the superficial stuff. Let things happen organically between you. Remember your DBing skills?!

You might be surprised at learning what this woman may have to offer. Some 24-year olds are incredibly mature.

[Bob723]

Gofo,

You sound stronger lately and that's wonderful to see.

I want to caution you that you would want to keep an open mind about this 24-year old woman. Not get too caught up on the superficial stuff. Let things happen organically between you. Remember your DBing skills?!

You might be surprised at learning what this woman may have to offer. Some 24-year olds are incredibly mature.

Hello Gofo,

I agree with my friend Wonka -- you sound stronger. Keep it going.

I wish you well.

Bob

[gogofo]

Gofo,

You sound stronger lately and that's wonderful to see.

I want to caution you that you would want to keep an open mind about this 24-year old woman. Not get too caught up on the superficial stuff. Let things happen organically between you. Remember your DBing skills?!

You might be surprised at learning what this woman may have to offer. Some 24-year olds are incredibly mature.

I am feeling stronger and it is wonderful to experience. A painful truth may be that I may have never hit this point with the D. I don't think I would have properly detached and GAL'd in the ways I needed. I feel like I woke up.

I am definetly not pushing hard with this girl and am just letting things play out as they happen. There does seem to be a spark there between us though.

I have been asking close friends there opinion as I don't want to do something unadvisable based on hormones. No one has told me it is a bad idea, I don't feel it is either.

She doesn't seem to be immature or still stuck in the whole high school phase of relationship and life drama. I just see us in very different places in our lives. We both have something to offer each other but even though share similar arcs, our vectors have different endings.

If things progress I am going to be honest with her about what I think I am looking for right now in a relationship as it may not be what she wants. I need to lay it all out in the beginning and not have any covert contracts.

What do I want? Fun, first and foremost I want to have fun with someone I care about and I want fun in my life. Respect for each other and our desires. Personal time with our own friends. Intimacy together. Openess with our feelings, wants, desires. I also want a fairly low commitment, but stay committed and exclusive with each other.

If we get there I will lay it out to her, she can let me know what she wants. If she is looking for that certain someone to marry it will probably send me packing. But I don't just want a random booty call (I think).

I also have two friends that want me to meet a girl in a similar situation as me. She is the same age, soon to be divorced, very nice, very attractive, and lives in a differnt town 15 miles away. She is getting out of a bad M where she was cheated on and her XH got the girl pregnant. This girl is unable to have children of her own. On paper we are a good match and sound great for each other.

What scares me is she sounds like someone to have a long term R with and I know I am not emotionally ready for that as I doubt anyone freshly D'd is.

My friend that is working on it told me today that there is no need for us to go on a date with each other. She said she is not a rebound girl, she is a relationship girl and said the same about me. It was a nice compliment. She also said I am a very desireable man for many reasons.

So my mind wanders and gets me thinking too much but it would be nice to have a practice R with the young girl and then go on to more serious things. If I was the 24 year old I would not be looking to have a serious R with a 34 year old who has two kids and a career that keeps him rooted where I currently live. Have fun with me, yeah I can provide and do things that a lot of her age group can't. But I think the both of us would know that in the end we would be going our seperate ways. I would not encourage her to stay with me instead of chasing a career etc.

I need to stop thinking and get some sleep but I want anyone who is in the think of it that there is life and happiness after D. Just keep working on yourself. If you would have told me two months ago that I would feel like this I would never have believed it.