So I am not the type of person to join online forums, but if there is a time I should its perhaps now!
My H of 14 years (T for 18 years) told me 3 weeks ago he has lost the passion for me and this marriage. He has tried for so long to "rekindle the passionate feelings that need to be in a relationship" (ouch!). I've known for quite sometime we've had problems with our SL and we've never admitted it until last year when I told him I was unhappy. He begged for another chance. I gave it to him and for our M. Forward nine months later, I had truly thought we were committed to working together on our issues but obviously not.
He has sworn there is no OW, has not been on dating sites or made any emotional connection with OW. I guess I have to believe him. For the first week, we slept in separate bedrooms, I couldn't handle it - he still wanted to do family dinner with our two daughters, do our laundry - "support me" plus he was giving me mixed messages saying things like perhaps the other person could join into our separate holidays with the girls!!??
So I am attempting to detach but finding it hard. I haven't read any of the DB or DR books as yet, any suggestion which should I read first? I am worried that my behaviour being angry/distant/cold and wanting to discuss our R will push him further away....
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Trying to find the DR book where I am at the moment. Slowly reading through these posts. Does anyone know good coping strategies for anger? I nearly blew my stack off when H started to "roster" the weekend with the Ds. I walked away saying I couldn't do it.
But it then resurfaced when H asked me to do something for him - we ended up having an argument..
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Ok back again. Advice need. My WAS just cc'd me to an email he sent to the real estate agent basically showing me he is actively looking at an alternative place to stay. Do I validate his action and say how this must be difficult for him and thank him (he doesn't want to move out because he won't cope????) Or do I ignore it? ?
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
Is it wrong to talk about the M with my WAS and analyse how we got here? Perhaps I am over analysing everything. I asked my H was our marriage so bad, despite the lack of sex and intimacy (we engaged but intermittently and usually my initiation)? Were there good points, I asked? He replied, sex and intimacy is a huge part of the M - I didn't respond because yes, its a factor but can be reignited once you reconnect right? H has mentioned he has been stressed so much about this issue for quite a long time - so here I am thinking is his uptightness, stressy self all because of this? and perhaps if things were better he would have been a different person? So what does that say about me???
I am trying not to wallow in self-pity and beat myself up, but its a hard day today..
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
When does the ache in the stomach disappear? And I am so trying not to despise my H. The day didn't start so well, as I told him I met someone who worked at the school he teaches. I didn't inform this person that we had separated - not a close friend, not their business. I told H that this person recalled a conversation she had with H about me, and this person said that I was my H "princess". I told H I wanted to throw a book at her to shut her up because it was all bleeding lies. Like another member here in this forum I've actually said I hated him for destroying this family. H didn't engage in a conversation with me.
I just want the ache and anger to disappear....
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
