I understand exactly what you're saying, but it will pass. The key is untying your sense of self worth from your value to your W. Do the things that you want to do for you so that you can begin to feel whole and useful and valuable. Those are the qualities your W wants to see in you anyway. The more that you act and feel like you NEED her, the more likely it is that she will walk further away.
I understand that Matt. I just don't know what to do to feel whole and valuable. She the kids were my whole life, despite me not behaving that way a good deal of the time. All I ever did was work and come home. Considering the problems that existed in our marriage, I don't feel worth much right now.
That's exactly what I'm working on now. My life was drop kids off, work, pick kids up, get kids dinner and in bed, fill 2 hrs with TV or hanging out with W or whatever. I was never able to go off and do something for me. So now I've joined a board game group one night a week, I'm cleaning my house a lot more, I'll start on yard work now that the weather is better, I'm going to read more, etc. you don't have to overhaul yourself, but you need to find some activities that you can do without the W.
I know that I need to do those things but I don't know what I could do. My thoughts are consumed with her and this situation. I want to find some things like that but I have no friends. I don't have many interests. The things that I have always liked, she and I would do together, so everything just reminds me of her and how she isn't here anymore.
Another thing I can not understand is how,she has gone from telling me and our children that we were going to fix our problems and then she guaranteed that we would be back together to now when asked whether or not we have a chance, she just says she doesn't know.
Hi Esoed, just read your last few posts and it sounds as though you are at the stage where you recognise it would be good to get some GAL going, but are finding it hard.
I think lots of people feel the same. It's a chicken and egg really - hard to push yourself into doing something new when you don't feel great. But doing something new will probably help you feel better. It's hard to see this as an opportunity, but there is a real opportunity here, for us to rediscover things that may have become lost when our lives were all about marriage and family.
GAL means different things for different people. Some bravely get on out there and start going to meetups, others are less extrovert and GAL may take a less social form. For me, in the months after BD, I tried to get one new regular GAL thing going a month. So, in the past 10 months I have - seen an IC - gone to a support group - started swimming - joined a yoga class - joined a women's social/fundraising group - joined a book club - joined a calligraphy group - taken up Ceroc dancing - volunteered in a bookstore....
Some of these things are weekly, some less often, and I started just one every month. But by the time you are ten months on, it starts to look like a fulfilling life, you know? So, I would encourage you to have a good think and see if you can get something going in May for yourself. What does your local leisure centre offer? Local college course? Meetups in your area? Marital support groups? volunteer opportunities and so on - whatever floats your boat....
The joy of GAL is is it starts to give you back some sense that there is a good life to be had after all this - whatever happens in your M. It also takes your mind off your sitch for the time you do the GAL, and it gets you 'out there' meeting new folk and doing stuff you enjoy. All of this helps you detach a little more from your sitch too. I hope this helps, and good luck with your GAL journey :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Toots, those are all great suggestions. I am going to have to try some of this just to keep my mind off of it.
Oscillating all day between hope, because she said that she is still willing to go to marriage counseling after we have more individual counseling, and no hope, because my oldest son said that he doesn't want to return home and my mother-in-law has said that she would cut her off if she did. My only hope is that through family counseling my son will reconsider and that my mother-in-law will recognize changes that I am going to make. I'm not sure either are possible.
Should I be reading Divorce Busting first or The Divorce Remedy? Just seems like the information in Divorce Busting is related to couple who aren't yet separated or don't have complex difficulties like my wife and I. That is something she regularly says - that there are no situations like ours where the marriage survives.
I found DR most useful. It's more recent and has some good chapters on particular scenarios like depression, infidelity etc at the end of the book. First time around, I did skip some of the content on couples who are still together, but I have since gone back, re-read those parts and found them useful.
Best of luck!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
