I posted part of this to Mighty, but then it got me to thinking, maybe this will help someone else.
I often try to think of this mess as a test that I will pass, as a test of my strength, a test of my faith. I also see it as an eye opener to the things I needed to change about ME. I'm thankful that it allowed me to grow and change my interactions with my family and friends, especially my s14 and my mom. So in that way this is a gift.
What are your changes, post here how in all this mess you have grown!
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Absolutely agree, I think its all to easy to get completely consumed with what the MLC'r is or is'nt doing, we all know the mantra, detach, GAL, PMA, 180 ..... but what gets lost often is the slow steady growth. For anything to take root the growth must be slow and steady, these changes we all have made within ourselves be it for self protective measures or just plain survival are ones that we hate to admit we probably needed ... because we were all in a fairy tale happy marriage right?? Well I wasn't.
If anything MLC was a Godsend, I know without it and the cruel pain that came with it I would have not taken charge of my life, I would have continued to be a pushover, not only for my W, but people in general .... I was a fixer... and what better lesson to learn one can not fix everything than to give him a big ole pile of MLC.
So throughout this I have grown, became secure in what I want and need, held firm in how I will and will not be treated, realized I can not ... but more importantly should not fix things, I have learned you can acquire more information by the STFU approach. You can only control what you do and how you react to thing ... which inturn impacts how others react to things.
Most of all I was a pretty good father, but now I am even better... time will tell if this carries over into becoming a better husband because a deep look in the mirror and I realized I was not as good as I could have been ... would any of this stopped MLC .. no, but I have no doubt I needed these changes and am fortunate to see that while I still have time on this earth to make those changes and use this all to live a happy fulfilled life.
I know I'm a better parent to my son, something that with out this mess may not have happen or I would have noticed things I should have changed when it was too late to change before s14 was grown and maybe distant. I was either very hard or too soft on s14 before, letting H do things I did not want to deal with, when I realized I may be raising s14 alone, I put on my big girl panties and prayed for guidance and started to really pay attention to what worked for communication between my son and I.
I evluated my relationship with my mom, and made changes in me and how I responded and how I wanted to be with her, and what I would accept and allow from her in how she treated me,,all with RESEPT and now my mom and I laugh and enjoy being together alot more then ever before.
I set boundaries with both my s14 and my mom.
I changed some of my relationships with my friends ,My BFF had to make an adjustment, but now we are also in a better place.
All this to say,,,this has been a blessing in disguise. NOW I would love to learn these things in an easier more pleasant way,,,
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I think about my changes often. I sat here for years blaming myself. I really tried to save my family and marriage. I would have given my life. But this is not a black and white kind of thing. It is more complicated. Your farts could have smell like roses to you but not her. Her cooking like Andrew Zimmermas. But to you...well.
I would stop blaming your selfes. Your imperfections are what attracted you to your each other. I can look back and think of a million things to thank my ex for divorcing me. And i can think of a million things to be sad she divorced me.
Yes make changes for you.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
If you are an alcoholic and decide you are going to change, you are going to quit all hard stuff and only drink beer, is this a good change that is productive?
Or is it just more of the same?
I think for me reading Solo Partner and Co-Dependent No More, brought into focus what my changes needed to be.
Stop being a pursuing, co-dependent, conflict avoiding Fixer.
