I am finding it hard to converse with my H like a friend. Last night he opened up a bit. He told me that his school said because of what has happened and he had lots of hours owing he should take today off. He then said on Monday he had a bad time at school. I didn't ask questions, I didn't ask him to elaborate what had happened. Should I have??
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
I am not sure what vets will say, but when my H initiates convo we have primarily been having lots of talks about work, what we have going on, some slightly deeper non R topics, etc.
I have just tried to be as supportive and validating with what H tells me he has going on and ask clarifying questions. One of my H's issues though was in the last year I was not fulling engaged when he was speaking to me. Too distracted with IPAD, FB, etc. I have done 180 and am completely 100% present in convos. I try to not focus on me and my stuff so much, but do share if he asks Qs. I think it helps in having my H remember how supportive I have always been during schooling and throughout entire marriage. I also think is first step in rebuilding friendship.
I am far from an expert, but that has been my approach. Has lead to 2-3 hour conversations. Vets?
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
BW05 Ok thanks. I know I put my guard up when I talk to H. I just dont want to get hurt. Can you say have a nice day when you leave or is that pursing? I
MrBond - the books are on the way. Ordered from Amazon the DR books should arrive here on 14 May and DB on 28 May. Guess I am going a bit "blind" with the techniques I need to do.
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
The thing is. I know my H understands how supportive I am. When he went through his work crisis last year, I was there for him 100%. It is usually him that is on the IPAD while we sit down. I guess sometimes when he does talk, I do not elaborate him to talk further..
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
My DB coach told me to treat H just like I would treat a friend and nothing more. So I guess if you were talking to a friend would you tell them have a nice day?
Again, this advice was based on my situation. My H does not want to move out. I guess we are not technically seperated in that regard. I feel like mine wants to maintain some sort of connection to help figure things out?? Mine is just in major confusion mode right now.
Are you thinking about getting a DB coach? I feel like it is helping me.
Nice that your H remembers that. Mine has said nothing about the support I provide on an emotional level.
Last edited by BW05; 05/06/1510:48 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Yes perhaps I should get a DB coach. I know he wants to be friends and to me thats hard at the moment since we had a very touchy relationship- holding hands etc.
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
My H did not want to move out either. It was me who asked him to go downstairs to the unit so I could protect myself from the pain. It was so difficult with him in a separate bedroom and not with me. I know he hates it downstairs but it has helped me with the emotional pain.
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
Oh, ok. Yeah that is where we are a bit different. My H is the exact opposite of touchy. I can barely get a hug these days. So he doesn't want to be with you, but he wants to be in the MBR and touchy?
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
