Well, I went to the marriage counseling appointment today that she said that she wouldn't attend because her therapist told her it was too soon. She really put things into perspective for me and helped understand things in a new way. I'm not good. I mean, I am no where close to good but I understand a little better. I apologized through text for all of my questions about our marriage and our future. I told her that I would honor her by giving her space and not asking those questions. No response. She skipped out on our youngest son's baseball game tonight and my father-in-law and oldest son brought him. They didn't even speak to my mother at the game. I am truly afraid she has her mind made up and that she is waiting until they complete her bedroom at their house, she moves whatever she wants out of the house, and then tells me.
My wife has essentially cut off all communication other than about the kids. I asked if this was on purpose or if she was just busy and she said it was on purpose. She said it is better for her this way. I'm sure this is one of the three goals her therapist gave her to do that she told me about. I asked if any of the goals were related to our marriage and she said yes. I asked if it was for the good of our marriage and U.S. Being back together and she said yes. I have a feeling that she didn't really tell her therapist that she wants us back together and these are just measures to further distance herself from me.
Feeling your pain buddy. I'm new at this game as well, but let me tell you this, give her the space first thing, I didn't do it until week 4 and I feel this was a big mistake.
Keep at it, don't give up.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I asked her what that means to her and she said for me to leave her alone. To stop all the questions.
Your response:
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but when I asked this time, she said not this time. I asked her if we still had a chance and she said that she doesn't know.
Then later you tell her:
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I apologized through text for all of my questions about our marriage and our future. I told her that I would honor her by giving her space and not asking those questions.
Today you said:
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My wife has essentially cut off all communication other than about the kids. I asked if this was on purpose or if she was just busy and she said it was on purpose.
Your response to her was asking more questions.
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I asked if any of the goals were related to our marriage and she said yes. I asked if it was for the good of our marriage and U.S. Being back together and she said yes.
So even though she told you she was trying to get the heck away from you so she could breathe......you keep pushing and pushing and pushing! Makes a lot of sense, does it?
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I have a feeling that she didn't really tell her therapist that she wants us back together and these are just measures to further distance herself from me.
Look, all you have talked about is how bad are feeling. You are having such a big pity party for yourself that you aren't trying to apply what works to save the M. When someone tries to tell you, your excuse is that it is so hard. Well join the crowd! Do you think you are the only person on this board in pain? If your stitch is so unique that you don't think DR/DB can save the M, then why don't you tell us about it?
I am telling you that everything you've done up till now, would turn off a WAW to the point of filing for D. You cannot smother her like that and expect to get her back. But you don't get it. You keep doing what she's asked you to stop! And now you think she's just not being honest about wanting to go back home? Get real with yourself.
When you decide to get serious about doing what it takes, let me know.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2, you are absolutely right! Thank you. The things everyone here has said are the same things that others are saying to me in person. I have got to take responsibility for what I need to do and do it.
I do want to clarify that all the questions you cited, other than the question asking if her limited interaction was on purpose or because she was busy, all happened during our conversation a week ago. After that, I have tried to reduce the questions. Also, it was my belief that she doesn't want questions about our marriage or our future, not just general questions. Do you believe I should stop asking all questions? Can I ask her how her day has been? About the kids? What she has planned for her weekend?
Again, thank you. Although I know that I am not doing the things I should and the things that I am doing are only pushing her further away, I do appreciate this board.
The issue your going to have is when you ask questions, because of the fear you have of the situation, you are going to pursue and control without knowing.
Lets play out a small scenario. You ask her what shes doing this weekend. She tells you shes going shopping with mother to pick out something for her room. You ask her why she needs that, she answers about it being where shes staying and wants it to be nice. You then ask why she wants to improve that room when she agreed she would live back at home one day. Then your fear starts to take over and you ask more and more, trying to get reassurances that she wants to work on the M. It's very, very easy to go down this path. Believe me, I did the exact same thing and couldn't help myself.
I understand where your coming from, my W and kids were my life also. I didn't hang out with friends, and GAL activities were nearly impossible to figure out. You get her into talking about anything through a question and your fear will take over and guide it to pressuring her.
So, if its not important regarding the children, it may be best for you to avoid it for now.
Last edited by Fogg; 05/07/1510:43 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Makes sense Fogg. I probably wouldn't do the scenario you provided but if she talked about hanging out with her friends, then I know it would go south.
Small success tonight. She actually came to my youngest son's baseball game. She brought her stepfather and my daughter. They were late but she spoke to me a few times (I help coach his team). I did not ask any questions other than about some work that she is doing and she brought it up. When she left, she said, "We will see you tomorrow Daddy (which has always been a term of endearment to her)."
