Two weeks since the W dropped the bomb. 6 months separated against my wishes. Starting DBing two weeks ago. I'm doing my 180s and have been 100% consistent in front of her at all times. Here are the small changes I have noticed in my Ws behaviors that are small indicators of success:
1. She has not spoken about our R or moving forward with D at all. She is taking no action.
2. She is communicating with me on a daily basis: Most of the communication is about our kids but she has also had a couple instances where she has told me about nights out with friends and such.
3. She spent 30 minutes in the yard talking with me while we played with our daughter waiting for my son's school bus before she went out bowling yesterday. She goes every Wednesday and I spend the evening at my house with the kids. She has always left within 5 minutes of my arrival these last 6 months and hardly spoke with me at all.
4. Tonight I spent 2 hours at my house. Played with the kids for an hour and then helped with bath and getting them to bed. Here is the HUGE change. My wife did not leave the house while I was there. This is literally the first time in 6 months that she has not left our house when I came over.
I think I'm seeing progress. I'm working hard on focusing on myself and making the changes that I need to make in order to save my marriage. It takes one to tango has really resonated with me. I know I have a long road to travel but I have to admit that I am surprised by what I have seen from her so far.
I honestly think she is saying to herself "what the heck is doing?" But she's not stopping me
Not pursuing is one of my 180s that I am sticking to 100%
I am being very kind and courteous toward her and showing her a happy and confident me. She knows I love her and knows that I want to work things out, there is no reason for me to say it anymore because words only push her away.
Since she gave the reason for being finished was that during my stint of depression and anxiety she felt I abandoned her and the kids my 180s are showing her through actions that I am being myself again. I'm acting as I did in our R before the depression. Really focusing on the kids, speaking to them every day, spending as much time as my work schedule allows with them and actually doing things with them when I am with them. The days I'm at my house with them and she is not I've been helping her out without asking her or seeking credit for it: I'll vacuum, sweep, clean, dishes, mow the lawn. These are all things that I was always proactive in before my depression. So I am showing her through my actions that I am genuinely changing back to the real me: The loving and attentive husband and father she once new.
So far, it seems to be working so, I am going to stay the course with what I'm doing.
She probably thinks I'm crazy right now but like I said: She isn't saying a thing to tell me to stop trying and I'm seeing movement.
I'm "killing her with kindness" and with positive attitude and action.
"Be the change you wish to see" and hopefully she will eventually follow the lead.
My next short term indicator of success that I'm looking for is that she'll want to start doing things together as a family. The fact that she didn't leave the house for the two hours I was there yesterday is a good sign that I might be able to accomplish that next step over the next month or so.
It felt great yesterday while I was there because it was the first time she actually witnessed how different I was with the kids: Running around and wrestling and playing with them in the front yard for an hour with my full attention focused on them. I didn't even ask her if I could stay and help with bath and bed. I just did it. I set the tone. And when the kids were in bed I went downstairs and initiated a short conversation with her about a doctor's appointment my son had had yesterday morning. We spoke about that in a cordial and pleasant manner. When it was over I set the tone and said "OK. Well, have a nice night and I'll call the kids tomorrow. Goodnight." And I left.
It felt nice to sort of be in control of the situation. Just doing and acting without seeking her approval.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that the changes I listed are signs that she is experiencing doubts about wanting to split.
It sounds like you woke up. I am glad to hear that. Now, I wish my H would do the same. For the past year my husband would stay in bed the entire weekend and just ignore me and our daughter. I would try and talk to him and pleaded to go get help for his depression but he never did. And now we are separated because I couldn't take it anymore. It's been three months and he is still asleep.
So, I am glad that you can see what you were doing and how it was effecting your family and now you are doing something about it. I just hope these changes that you are making will stick. When my H and I separated before, I had seen some changes in him so I let him move back in and they only lasted a month if that.
It sounds like you woke up. I am glad to hear that. Now, I wish my H would do the same. For the past year my husband would stay in bed the entire weekend and just ignore me and our daughter. I would try and talk to him and pleaded to go get help for his depression but he never did. And now we are separated because I couldn't take it anymore. It's been three months and he is still asleep.
So, I am glad that you can see what you were doing and how it was effecting your family and now you are doing something about it. I just hope these changes that you are making will stick. When my H and I separated before, I had seen some changes in him so I let him move back in and they only lasted a month if that.
Good luck.
Hopeful. Trust me that my wake up is for real. The changes I am showing her are genuine. It took me realizing that I am going to lose her I truly wake up.
Unfortunately for me, her reaction to it was: it's too little too late. I'm done. I've moved on. Two weeks ago is when she told me that she doesn't want to hurt me but can't stay married to me.
But, you can see what actions I have been taking and what little signs I am seeing from her.
I'd really like to know from your point of view, do you believe she may actually be hoping that the changes she sees are real? Do you think she is not taking action and letting me do what I'm doing and not telling me to stop because she may have said it's over but is actually giving me an opportunity to prove my changes are real and an opportunity to win her back.
That's the hardest part of this for me. Not having any insight into what is going through her mind.
I can relate to her reaction. See, I was once a walk out wife with my first husband. He wouldn't change at all. So, I divorced him. But the difference between you and my first husband, I can see that you are working on yourself where he didn't until it was too late.
Now my second husband won't change either. I told him the same thing, wake up before it's too late. I have filed the D papers and he is aware of this but I still have not seen any effort from him. So he may wake it but it could be too late.
Right now she does not trust your behavior and doesn't know your behavior is for real. She may be giving you the opportunity to prove yourself to her. I am still giving my husband the opportunity but he is not taking it.
I think if she really wanted the divorce, she would have filed already. Keep doing what you are doing and time will tell.
And Hopeful. If I can ever be of any assistance to you in helping you understand what your H is going through please ask me anything at anytime.
Depression is a real disorder that cannot be controlled but can be managed through medication and therapy.
Please understand that your H is not hurting you and your children intentionally. He isn't choosing to be withdrawn. He cannot control it. But if he gets help, over time and perhaps with the realization that he is going to lose everything in life that is most important to all of us (our spouses and our children) he may wake up for real.
I had some false wake ups over the course of the last couple years as well while I was going through treatment.
The reason I know that this wake up is for real is because during the others, I still blamed my W for not being there for me durnin my time of need. But I failed to empathize with her perspective. That she truly did feel abandoned and she fell out if love with me because I had become someone completely different than my real self.
I hope it isn't too late for me. And I hope that your H does come around and that it won't be too late for him to do right by you and your children.
Best of luck to you. Please pick my brain on any answers you need from the Depressed Husbands perspective
Thanks hopeful. I really appreciate the insight. I am working with a coach who has said the same thing. It said that typically when a spouse drops the bomb and says they are done but then takes no action it means that they are really unsure as to whether or not they are truly done.
He says that the key in this situation is stay the course because she needs to see consistent change over a long enough period of time in order to believe that the changes are genuine, real and permanent.
I truly am out of my depression. Trust me, I know the difference. I have so much clarity but my sudden clarity and my "epiphany" doesn't mean that she is just going to jump back into my arms. She doesn't love me anymore. But I keep telling myself she doesn't love the depressed and unavailable me. But the real me. She likes that guy a whole lot and loves him very much.
So my 180s were obvious to me: Get your head out of your butt and start acting like the person she loves. And do so without asking her if she is noticing, without asking her if her mind is changing, without asking her if there is a chance. No pressuring her or pursuing any R talk.
Just act and let her process it all on her own timeline and in her own way.
As a side note, I do have a slight concern there may be something going on between a friend of hers and her. But, this was something that, before my awakening, I asked her about three times and every time she said that there was nothing going on beyond a friendship. My coach, despite some shady things I have seen (he is blocking me from seeing his friendship with her on Face Book) still believes that she is being honest and it is only a friendship.
However, I realize that although I am having anxiety about this that my actions do not have to reflect my feelings. These last two weeks I have not mentioned this to her at all and am acting "as if" I have no suspicion.
Regardless of what may be occurring (and maybe it is only a friendship and I'm blocked because she just got tired of me asking about it and having to repeat herself that he's only a friend) I need to stay focused on being 100% consistent in my actions.
I'm seeing some movement and I will not do anything to derail that.
I hope you are right in your assessment. I hope that she really is unsure and is giving me a chance to win her back and to see my changes are real and permanent. I would say that her actions are telling me that is what is happening. I also realize that it is going to take time for her to trust me.
My overall goal (and I know it may take longer) is to be reconciling in time to celebrate our wedding anniversary: Which is at the end of September. Fingers crossed
Sunday night I told my husband to get his head out of his butt before it's too late. I am praying that he will but the truth is I don't think he will in time.
It's nothing wrong with being friends at first. Build the foundation and keep watering your foundation and you will see the flowers will start to grow in time.
I have my MSA but I am unsure if I truly want the divorce, so I am giving him time and he is not taking advantage of it. It's sad.
Keep up the good work. I can't wait to keep reading how you progressing.
2. Do you think I should be worried about her and her friend? Do you think it is simply a friendship and just doesn't want me asking about it anymore / hence the block?
