Pink you have given me so good advice I was reading some of the earlier posts it seems like we all have some common ground here with H's just walking away and saying M's were n't good and they don't love us etc....
I find that I just say to myself I am not buying it, its not true and some day he will figure that out. I don't look to the future I look at the day ahead of me and what I need to do to stop thinking and wondering about H or the why's.
Sounds like you have some great kids and they can keep you busy so you won't think about H. Tell yourself its ok that you love him still and then stop at that and think no more about H or his situation.
The truth is that as hard as it is, life will move forward and it is not on our own benefit to get stock somewhere in the past.
We made mistakes and we made a lot of good stuff too. We have been learning along the way and it's what we will take to our new R with our H or maybe someone else.
The more I think about my sitch and so many other people here, the more I conclude that we are strong people, we face the problems, we try to resolve them. We are not afraid to say we made some mistakes and we are willing to work hard on them to make it better tomorrow.
Most WAS have a million reason to run away, they make a mess of their own lives and drag everyone in the family into their nightmares. They are not happy with us, but they are not happy in their current lives. It's probably because along the way they figure that they are not happy with themselves.
That's why it is so important to leave them alone to deal with whatever they need to. And detaching is a mechanism to protect ourselves an have less pain in this process.
If they will come back, no one knows, I see that most people in these boards end up in a big D, but there is always hope that we can be part of the little group that makes it, reconcile and built a stronger M.
I went to hell and came back, and now I have good days and some bad ones. It's really one day at a time. Figuring out what to do, how to feel, how to deal with this single life. I am a faithful person, so I decide to give my problems to God and let him deal with it, whatever he will put in my path, then I will follow.
Hang in there, this is a war of many battles, so we need to eat, sleep and feel well.
H runs because he can not face his actions. but he takes those with him. They follow him as his shadow, sinister and foreboding. So H runs faster, he thinks he runs towards the light but he runs from his demons in the dark. When he arrives it will be night and the stalking guilt and shame awaits.
TauC is like putting a sticking plaster on a broken leg. It will go septic underneath.
The leg breaks at the first leap. A WAS takes the broken leg with them when they run, running becomes slower and slower until the pain causes pause. This will be awful for a WAS. Can you imagine the WAS pain in their own destruction? Knowing they have done this to themselves?
Pink is become a loving stronger woman standing for herself. Pink has no broken limbs, she stands and breathes, she has no need to run. Pink has a centre, a heart, a reason for being strong. Pink is becoming, do not resist Pink, let that higher power support you and give you the gift of strength and love. Let the breath of life gently keep you serenely easing into a softness of the soul. To float and glide in gentle daylight.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 05/01/1508:17 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V, That's a lovely post which helps me too. A little lightbulb went on for me about the hugely important differences between 'running' (often WAS/MLC behaviour) and 'standing' (Dbing.)
What we do is difficult, but hopefully healthy. We are facing, not dodging. We are acting in accordance with our values - not against them. It is painful, but there is growth too. We are evolving.
Pink, I loved your post too, and I think you have come such a long way. As you say, we may be in the group who manage to save our M's. But I am convinced that a good life awaits you either way.
xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
It is just amazing how many people go thru this and why are there the runners and the stayers. What makes them have this MLC and why do they blame us. I feel it takes two to cause marital problems in most cases and maybe the strongest stick it out and the weaker run away?
So much anger. I see other R's and I think we weren't near as bad as them and they are still together why aren't we. Its weird how it happens and you are left to pick up the pieces and move on but they will also at some point have to pick up the pieces and realize what they have done to their family and live with it whereas the stayers who have worked on themselves and not punished or been mean and nasty to their spouse will have a guilt free conscious and know that they have done all they can and are a good person.
Wow, that's some philosophical material we came upon here. We are so awesome...
V - you are amazing. Your words came in the right time to feel my heart with tender and gratitude. I am missing my H, I don't know why but today it was very hard. Maybe because I know he is in my place, my country, he is very close to my family right now.
Thank you so much for such nice words, they are really powerful and there is a lot of truth there. H even told my mom that he needs to travel because when he is here, he feels he can't be too far from me.
Well, it is what it is for now. On may 11 we have court date because I asked for financial provisions, so our lives will be a little more separated after this. Slowly but surely we are going in separate paths.
T - We are doing the right thing. Being honest, respecting ourselves, our WAS and our values. We are the ones that got M based on the real meaning of it. I just hope that one day we can see the light one way or another.
It has been a difficult journey for us, we are evolving like you say, but the price is very high for this certificate. We are probably paying for a PhD degree.
S - I don't know why it happen to us, maybe it's meant to be. My M was not a paradise, neither was hell. I guess, life got the best of us both and pulled us apart for too long.
We got blind sided and the tornado took us out. Now, when the storm is passed, we are trying to see if we rebuilt the house or we move to another ground in hope that there will be no more disasters.
I guess we need to continue improving and hoping for a better day tomorrow.
Love you all ladies, you made me feel better today. XOXO, Pink
Hello my friends, I am doing a little better now. First, I needed some serious recovery from the bug I got. I felt better and then felt even worse. Much better now.
Kids are stressed out, ACT, lots of school work, tests, finals coming, it's always a challenge.
S20 got into some depression and is now seeing a IC. He is not on any medication for over 6months and his doctor thinks he does not have any issues besides a lot of low self esteem, some depression from issues not resolved.
S17 is driving pretty good. We had a lot of fun last time when I was teaching him how to drive. He is really good. Treating some acne is it is working, his skin looks better already (he did not have much to start with, but this is a kid that he worries about his appearance).
S15 was having some chest pain yesterday and got me very scared. We figure it was some heart burn after awhile. He slept in my bed, said he was afraid to die alone and things like that.
Asked me do not leave him alone, do not give up on him. I just promised him I will always be the same person. Asked him if he knows who I am and he said he has a pretty good idea. Then I said: - "So, you know I will not and never run away, from you, from your brothers and from any of my responsibilities with my family, you three are all my life. I carried you 9months inside me and you are part of my flesh, our lives are tied together for good or worse, forever.
He fell sleep, he was in peace. This morning he all happy, feeling good.
It is all very heavy, I have been leaning, processing and letting go. Sometimes, it is hard to think what direction to take. I love my H, at least the one I had some time ago. But he is also the reason my kids are so messed up. And him ignoring them, is not helping at all.
This was a busy week, got the approval for a full time job ( I was part time), just need to figure with my L if this is something that can hurt me when the D is final and there will be a decision of how much alimony I will get.
Good news is that my boss said that if there is any issue, then I can work extra hours for now and once the D is final, then I move to full time legally. Cool!!!
Did not much GAL, just weak and busy these days. Will go somewhere with the boys for Mother's Day. No expectations... and that is the way I feel about H right now. I do not expect he will do anything for Mother's Day, and the truth is that I do not even want his pity.
Have been reading TO's threads, have been learning a lot about self respect, detachment, control, etc. I am reading all lines on her story and I am learning how to be myself again.
It's a difficult process, I know now I was doing a lot of things in a wrong way. I have to change and become a better person. I will, but I know now that it is not fast, not magical...it requires a lot of work and dedication. So I am in my way to my own freedom, the one that will set me free as a person I want to be.
Sorry it took me so long to write... I think about you all every single day of my life. You are the best that happen to me.
Did not much GAL, just weak and busy these days. Will go somewhere with the boys for Mother's Day. No expectations... and that is the way I feel about H right now. I do not expect he will do anything for Mother's Day, and the truth is that I do not even want his pity.
Hello Pink,
I hope you continue to feel better physically. When we are going through rouogh times, did you know that up to 85% of our energy is used by our emotions? Typiically, during good times, only about 25% is used. I learned this in a D Support Group I attend. I bet it has something to do with you getting sick and still feeling week.
I hope the job situation works out for you. It sounds encouraging.
You have the perfect attitude about Mother's Day - no expectations.
I wish you well.
(((Pink)))
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
