I'd really like to know from your point of view, do you believe she may actually be hoping that the changes she sees are real? Do you think she is not taking action and letting me do what I'm doing and not telling me to stop because she may have said it's over but is actually giving me an opportunity to prove my changes are real and an opportunity to win her back.
That's the hardest part of this for me. Not having any insight into what is going through her mind.
Been reading your sitch .... 25 posted this on my very first thread when I first joined, kept me in check pretty much ... like you I made a ton of changes but this post has really helped me stay grounded:
FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED AND WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET, AND HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….
"When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than.
One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H.
Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes. So, I can see where your W is coming from.
When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.
Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.
And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.
Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope. You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.
And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to WIN.
Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to "win".
Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell."
2. Do you think I should be worried about her and her friend? Do you think it is simply a friendship and just doesn't want me asking about it anymore / hence the block?
#1 she Answered
#2 ... Here is the thing, what can you control here? She very well might have dude in the friend-zone. Maybe its leaning towards a A, maybe not. The A .. yeah nothing stings more, believe me.... been there, done that, have the shirt. Regardless you are not in a spot to tell her what she can and can not do, she has in a sense fired you as her H at this point ... telling her who she can talk to will only make the canyon wider.
My advice .. keep doing what you are doing, become the better choice, the best choice, keep up with the changes, the 180's, PMA and the GAL, this will flip the table and instead of you wondering what she is doing and thinking, she hopefully will wonder what you are doing and thinking .. this takes time, like that WAW post I posted, she does not trust the changes are legit ... with good reason, you have to stay the course and avoid any landmines ... FB friends in this case.
I do think FB is nothing but evil .... makes things to easy for OP to contact a WAS when they are on the fence ... but again .. out of our control, if we had put this effort and energy in earlier .. who knows if we would have landed here right>?
Oh yeah....one more positive I didn't mention on my list.
With Mother's Day on Sunday I decided I was going to do something for her but without it involving her spending time with me (which I know she isn't open to).
So I bought her a 1 hour massage and spa treatment. Now, I wanted to make sure that she wouldn't make plans for that timeframe that I booked for her but also didn't want to tell her what it was.
So, I told her this week that I would be taking off on Sunday. That I would be over to our house at 9am and would spend the entire day with the kids so she could go out and relax and enjoy Mother's Day all to herself.
I asked her simply to not make any specific plans between 10am-11am because I had gotten her something. I made it clear that I would not be asking her to spend any of that day with me.
I expected her to tell me not thanks and that she didn't want anything from me.
But she didn't. She has said ok. So, I'm going to get her some flowers, a Mother's Day Card and go to my house at 9 on Sunday morning and give her the gift certificate for the day spa appointment. Tell her to enjoy her day and leave it at that.
Again, this was another opportunity for her to tell me "no" or "stop trying". But she didn't.
So that was another small win that will be happening Sunday that I forgot to mention
This also is part of my 180s: The real me always showed her that she was first and foremost to me. So I'm showing that again but doing it in a manner that is non-pursuing and non-pressuring. She knows I love her. She knows I want to stay married and be with her. There is no reason to say it. So I've just been showing it
You do not ask her why she blocked you on Facebook. Leave it alone. She looks to you as the enemy and if you question her about it, it lets her know that you still care, etc.
Friends? Friendship to the crisis individual is not the same as being friends w/someone who is a true friend. Take a look at what she's done thus far...would you treat a friend the way she has you? I don't think so. Right now, she's not your friend and you need to treat her as just an acquaintance and nothing more. She's not the person you feel in love with right now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
