The Dance of Pursuit and Distance (new)

[Lucy105]

Thank you so much to you all for the help. Going forward is all I can do at this point, so forward it shall be.

Can someone please just advise me what to do when he comes to pick up the mower? Should I be here, or should I leave?

[job]

Lucy,
That is up to you. Do you feel comfortable enough to be at home? If so, I would be there just in case he decides he wants to take some other things. You can always stay in the house while he's loading the mower. I usually suggest that the spouse be there to ensure that the items identified are the ones that the MLCer takes.

Again, it's your call.

[Lucy105]

I don't know job. I'm not afraid of him at all, it's not like that. After he started the affair with the OW, before I knew about it, he always told me that coming home he would get so pissed off. I know it was the guilt, about lying to me, and the excitement of the OW making him be that way, but part of me wonders if I wasn't here, if it might make him think a bit differently. Make him wonder.

I'm not concerned about him taking anything. If he needs it that bad, let him have it as far as I'm concerned.

[Lucy105]

Part of me would initially Iike to be here when he gets here, to show him the new me....down 30 lbs, new hair style, and contacts, then excuse myself to leave, but I think that might make me a bad person, I'm not sure.

I want to mention.....not to long ago, 2 weeks maybe, he told 2 of our waitresses that he was going to break it off with OW. He confided in one of the girls, that she's a major alcoholic. But he hasn't broken it off yet, I'm thinking me pursuing has kept him with her. But, he knows this is wrong, and that she's wrong for him at least.

[job]

Lucy,
I posted a reply on your thread about the idea that you had concerning the mower. It's a good one and as I stated previously this is your call to make.

I'll continue to monitor your thread and respond when needed.

[AJM]

I want to mention.....not to long ago

Job's advice is spot on. Something you may have seen in Cadet's links - believe in half of what they "do" and none of what they "say". Why? Because they are trying to hide things from you and they are trying to have their cake and eat it too. A lot like a teen who feels entitled to things, so to your spouse is off the rails in "me town".

Go back and re-read the links, Lucy. And listen to Job's advice. Focus on that for a while.

AJ

[Lucy105]

I found out today that my husband is in deeper with OW than I thought he was. I was told he is flaunting it quite a lot around our restaurant. They say he's gotten very good at lying to justify his situation. He has told everyone we are divorcing, except for me. Last we talked about it, he took it off the table because he agreed we weren't in any position to be making those decisions.....he so very angry, and it was an emotional time for me. He hasn't taken any legal steps that I am aware of. He can't afford an attorney.

He is neglecting all the bills for the restaurant, he hasn't picked up the mail from the PO Box for two weeks, so he's not paying anything. I think he knows I will be there to save him if he doesn't take care of things. He doesn't seem to care about anything except her.

He hired another cook to give him more time off to be with her also.

I believe he likes having the security of having both her and I in the picture, we both offer different things to him. From me he gets knowledge of the business, many of the things we do are in my name and contact, and I am his fall back to handle what he hasn't. I have been extremely uplifting and positive to him, saving him a couple times when he needed last min favors for the restaurant.

But being positive isn't working, and I've pulled back. I have a couple questions that I need help with. If I'm going to become the distancer, and hoping for him to become the pursuer, if I do not speak to him or see him, and he needs favors for the business......what if it just makes him angry? He only wants me in the business when he needs something, so I don't have an issue not doing for him, I just want to know if anger is a normal part of it?

I don't want to be used! He needs to realize that if he's going to push me out, he has to be willing to stand on his own two feet.

Also, If he pushes the issue, is there anything I should say to him to kindly let him know where I stand. I had read somewhere to say something like "I love you, and I hope you can free yourself from the addiction of your affair."

[job]

Lucy,
You are right...he doesn't care about anything but himself and right now the ow. Life as you knew it w/him is gone. You will need to keep an eye on your finances and unfortunately, if you want your business to continue to thrive, you will need to be up front and center stage to ensure it doesn't go under water. He's really into himself and could care less. He wants freedom and no responsibilities.

Lucy, you have to understand that remaining positive is a good thing, but it takes a very, very long time for them to come through MLC. It takes years! If you are normally a positive individual, then remain so and don't do it to get him to notice you and think he'll come back to you right now because it's not going to work.

As to the distance/pursuer situation, yes, he can become angry if you aren't doing for him and he will find other ways to get you to pursue. However, I do want to point out that anger is also a part of their normal day-to-day setting if things don't go their way. They have absolutely no patience for anything, especially if things aren't going their way. They are like toddlers and when mom says no, they sometime throw a fit. Go back and re-read my first posting on this thread. It may give you some info that you may have missed the first time around.

If you feel comfortable in slowly disengaging in the activities of the business that's fine...but if you are co-owner of the business, is this truly what you want? You've worked hard to get the business up and running...but if you are ready to call it quits, then it's time to think about having a plan in place just in case it goes belly up or you want out.

All you can say is "I wish you well and hope you find what you are looking for". If you mention the affair, he'll deny it and it will just give him something more to use as justification for having one.

I want to emphasize here that this is not a game and distance/pursuer is not a tactic to be used to try to win your h back. Many people do this and don't even realize that they are doing it.

[Lucy105]

This all feels so hopeless right now. I can see now that what I thought were his attempts at being friendly with me last week, when I helped him out, was just manipulation on his part. It's just heartbreaking.

At this point, there is no way I could be front and center with the business. Emotionally, I just couldn't bear to see what he is flaunting, and his anger would be pushed to limits I couldn't deal with I'm sure. Aside from that, our customers would know the truth of what's going on, all our regulars anyway, he's told them I couldn't handle the business, and that's why he's divorcing me, but they can see through his changes to I'm sure. If he loses it, he loses it. It was his dream to begin with, that he is supposedly so passionate about. He has a secure job to fall back on if he does.

My issues go so much more deeply than just the restaurant. Over the summer someone hit the front of our attached garage of our home, and pushed it off the foundation. I've been sitting here for the last nearly two months with no garage door, and just a tarp covering the opening. He has the nearly $7,000 check for the repairs. One of the customers, who is a contractor, is supposed to be doing the repair, and my H is supposed to help him as an employee.

We have a young family waiting to do a walk through on our home, but the repairs aren't done, and I've been waiting, holding off, because I haven't been sure what is going on. I just don't know what to do. I know I have no desire to speak with H right now.

[job]

Lucy,
I'm going to move your last posting to your thread over in the newcomers. Why? Because it is important to post these things also on your current thread so that others may read and comment and hopefully provide advice to you.

I will respond there.