Thank Ten. "Bent truth" is an understatement. I agree and take ownership when there is truth and say things like "I can understand why you feel that way" when it's bent truth.
The one thing I am successfully avoiding is confrontation. I keep a smile on my face at all times and am agreeable.
The "script" is amazingly accurate. The thing that is the most astounding action by the WAW is their complete denial of their role, their justification of the treating the LBS like a stranger and a piece of garbage and the projection of all blame off of themselves.
But like I said, I am avoiding conflict successfully 100%. Since reading DR and the more time I spend on here and with my coach I am starting to understand the psychology of it all. It is twisted and illogical but it is within this unreality that the LBS must navigate in order to come out on the other end a success story.
Well. Just when I thought things were improving they have hit rock bottom.
You all know my backstory. Good marriage from 2001-2009. Depression for me from 2009-recent. Failed marriage counseling 2014. Wife did not have sex with me for 2.5 years leading up to me having a very short EA (slightly physical but no sex) in 2014.
W made it very clear this morning that she believes this is all my fault. That she was a good wife. That I don't deserve her or the kids. That I am lucky she allows me to see them. That she's not the one who cheated. That I have no idea what I put her through the last 6 years raising the children on her own. She said [censored] her giving me empathy. As far as she is concerned I could jump off a bridge.
But, ended the conversation with saying she will think possibly giving me a second chance and allow me time to continue to show her action.
I know that she has set aside money for a lawyer. She is hiding paperwork under the mattress of the bed at our house.
What does all of this mean? Is there any chance of success? Is this all my fault or is this simply her current reality?
I wouldn't wish what I am going through on anyone.
I'm looking for some insight from some of the veterans. Some of you who have been successful.
Is there any way in the world that I can be successful. She says she is going to give me time and she will think about it.
If anyone does believe I can be successful, what the heck do I do now?
I want to believe but feel lost. Her decision seems so set in stone. I'm seeking guidance. Where do I begin/restart?
Yes she believes her decision is set in stone. You must believe that is her real belief(at least for now) So how do you LET GO? How do you detach and let her have the decision that she feels she has already made?
You have NO CONTROL over her decision, only over YOURS.
Your decision should not be communicated to her, IMHO.
That was one of the HARDEST things for me .. you have no control over her ... NONE. Once you figure that out then you can focus on how you react to things, how to improve yourself regardless of what she is doing. This seems to be a pivotal part of the DBing honestly is when the LBS truly starts finding themselves and can remain there regardless of what the WAS tosses their way
What do you do now? You detach, let go and continue to keep the focus on yourself. You work on YOU. You only have control over your thoughts, beliefs and actions. There's nothing you can do at this point in time to change her mind and that's why it's important that you continue on w/your life. Words mean nothing, but actions do.
Rock bottom? No, I don't think so. Neither of you have scraped the bottom of the barrel just yet. You've got to get up, straighten your back and push through the pain. You've got to be strong and have faith that things will work out. This is not a sprint...but a marathon. BTW, the more you talk to her about the relationship, the more she's going to push back and yes, she told you some things that YOU wanted to hear. My advice, stop talking to her about the relationship and get working on yourself.
Do you have hobbies? If so, get back to them. What things have you allow to go by the wayside since you've been married? Time to take those projects up again. Get out there and meet new people. Coffee shops and libraries are a good start, as well as book clubs. Check the paper out to see what is being offered in your area that is free. It's time to put that focus back on you.
Each and every person is successful here whether they get their spouses back or not.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If her reasons to want to split are that I wasn't there for her and the kids through depression than my 180s have to be the opposite of that.
So how do I detach yet still do 180s to show that they are my priority? I can't just disappear: that's why she wants the divorce. Because she felt abandoned.
