In the process of separating - Help!

[EMO1234]

The DR book has arrived early! Will start reading tonight.

Just then H mentioned our communication - he wants to know if this will change because it stress him too much - sounds like this is one of my goals to put up. Basically I am 'cold', matter of fact when I speak to him. I know I need to become softer with my tone and perhaps have more 'niceties' when I speak.

BW told me to treat him as a friend - I understand that but everytime I open my mouth to talk, it comes out cold, uncaring.

H said he can't stand how our interaction will affect our Ds, if it continues then he believes moving out will be better for his mental health and for the girls.

I am in two minds, yes it would be easier if he moves out but I've noticed on other threads that it is better if you the WAS stays in the same roof so that they can see the change in you?

[Cadet]

I am confused, do you think you can control whether he stays or goes?

[EMO1234]

No I can't control whether he stays or goes and I have told him it is his choice to leave or stay, I've said that to him

I think reading between the lines is he wants to stay but needs me to be more "friendly" to him.

I am confused too, as if he is feeling so stressed about our interactions wouldn't you just say I think its best I leave?

[EMO1234]

Py

Yes detaching with kids is hard. I am finding it difficult to not talk cold/uncaring to him infront of he kids. Texting is sooo much easier but my sitch is different from yours, as he is still living under the same roof....

[EMO1234]

Zues

Thanks for the words, I am actually going to use it! I suck at validating particularly since all this negative feeling is in me at the moment but willing to learn as I go through DR. I just need to follow through with my actions...

[EMO1234]

Loving the DR book!

[Cadet]

Yes detaching with kids is hard. I am finding it difficult to not talk cold/uncaring to him infront of he kids. Texting is sooo much easier but my sitch is different from yours, as he is still living under the same roof....

Your husband is depressed and I am guessing for years and years you helped him to get out of his depression.
Your marriage existed and all of a sudden he could no longer get out of his depression based on your words anymore.

So your husband blamed you for HIS depression.
Yes maybe you could speak nicer to him, or show him a little more sympathy or compassion.
I do not believe that would pull him out of his depression.
That is on him.

I think if you can not speak nicely to him it might be better to say nothing at all.
Do you know what his love languages are?

Right this minute I would read the DR book.

We can work on other changes later.

[Zues126]

Follow Cadet's lead.

For the text about being nicer vs moving out, how about:

"You're right, I can see that I haven't kept my behavior in check lately. Where you live is your choice but either way I will make it a priority to treat you with the respect you deserve."

[EMO1234]

Thank you for your support Cadet and Zues. Reading DR now..

I do believe my H has been depressed for a while. H made a comment a few weeks ago that he wished we'd set up a cafe business we talked about before we moved back here in Oz. I know he hates my hometown and we were only to stay 3 months or so but have now stayed 10 years here. There have been many benefits staying here - family support, well paid jobs etc, but I should have realised he wasn't happy, considering he hasn't built a network of friends outside of my group of friends...

[EMO1234]

Ahh blew it again, I shouldn't have let H actions bother me, its the cycle mentioned in DR, his action causes me to react badly, my action causes him to react etc

I couldn't sleep last night and I was snooping through H friends in FB. When we were together he told all my friends he didn't like FB so he deactivated his account. He reactivated his FB account after his BD and has befriended everyone including my relatives etc.

I could only see our mutual friends and so I made an alias FB account and requested him to be my friend on this alias FB. So what did I find, that he is following two girls aged late teen/early twenties.

I was furious, went downstairs we had a row over it - him accusing me of snooping even though I said I wouldn't, me accusing him of trying to find a younger girl. Me saying he should move out, H saying he will after his mother visit, me threatening of tell his mum. The argument was bad, we didn't understand each other point of views.

I finally blurted out that I felt discarded after 18 years of being together, the fact that he is following two young girls on FB after he has thrown away 18 years of a R is a kick in the gut. I told him the issue with our SL wasn't his burden to hold alone, I apologised for putting too much pressure on him to fix it and that it was fixable if we just had opened up about our sexual desires (yes I know persuing..)

So broken every rule on DR but today is a new day and I woke up to find this email from H "I'm truly sorry for causing you even more pain and suffering with my stupid/insensitive choices." H has also deactivated his FB account...

So now I should finish the DR and try to fix this M