Life after D - 01 - going from dark to light

[gogofo]

Something I find funny or unusual is the fact that my XW still lies to me. She has excuses sometimes about why she cannot get the kids after school so I need to get them, etc. Half the time it seems like she is lying to me or being dishonest. It makes me shake my head.

We are divorced, why would she feel she needs to lie to me or withhold the complete truth? Is it a guilt thing or not wanting to own up to what is going on? I have no idea. I thought that if she wanted to a divorce she would not be dishonest with me about what she is doing. I don't pry or inquire, she is the one providing the information.

For instance this morning I took the kids to school instead of dropping them off at her place. This is completely not a big issue for me. She told me she had an 8:00 meeting. Well I get to the bus stop and what I assume is the OM's truck is in the driveway. This stung a little, but is not ruining my day. When I get to her work to drop off our youngest boy her car is not in the parking lot.

I just laughed as it seems like she is trying to live a secret life.

Back to me... It is Friday and my Mom's birthday, I have a friend coming through town this weekend, tomorrow I have a full day planned from dusk till dawn that includes kid's time and family time and hair cuts at my brother's new barber shop and ending with the boxing match at another friends house... So excited.

Here is my mother's day tip or what I plan to do. Home Depot has kids activity classes on the first Saturday of every month. Tomorrow the kids will be building picket fence picture frames for Mother's Day. I will have the kids build them and put a picture of each of them in it and have them give it to her.

I have thought long and hard about what to do for mother's day. I thought about doing nothing, but that would be because of my anger towards her and the D; not who I am trying to be. I want to forgive, but not forget. The reason I am doing the picture thing is that I still respect her as the mother of my children.

Hope this helps someone in their decisions about what to do.

[gogofo]

This last weekend had the potential to be rough, but I made it through in pretty good fashion.

It was exactly one year ago that the XW and I had our first meaningful night together since she left me at the beginning of the year. I remember because it was the day of my mom's birthday and I went over to her house and made her pizza since I had made it earlier that evening for my mom. I remember how excited I was that we were trying again.

I thought I would have a lot of those feelings come up again and feel the loss all over again, etc. I had some feelings, but the emotional pain was not there as hard as I figured it would be. I was sad every now and then and also a little mad, but it didn't bring me down.

When looking back I also see that I was not in as good of a place with my self than I am today, so that is a very good thing for me.

My weekend was busy busy and that also helped too. I visited Friday night with an old friend, Saturday was super busy from 8:00 to 11:00 p.m. between kids stuff, mom's birthday, and the boxing match, Sunday was busy again and I had my friend over for dinner before they left.

It was nice to talk with my friend and his wife and run down my whole M and D and all points in between. It helps me to talk about it and hear other perspectives. My friend turned very religious in the last couple years and he said that him and his wife and their prayer chain will be praying for us. I found this a very generous and sweet action from him, no matter my personal beliefs.

The XW came over to pick up the boys and my friend and his family was still there. I think it caught the XW off guard and she seemed to wheel around quickly and leave. It was nice to have people there after the exchange as I get down when the boys first leave.

Last night I had a weird dream about the XW and the facts escape me except for I think I was unloading on her all calling her on all the crap she pulled during our M and reconciliation attempt and all the OM stuff. I was really angry and blamed her for what has been destroyed, family wise. Looks like I still have some Nice Guy rage in me and I will need to deal with this. The D is still pretty fresh, but I do feel I am making progress.

Randomly saw the girl I like at a stop sign over the weekend. Kind of random as she lives 200 miles away. She smiled really big and waved. My oldest boy had his window down and waved back too. He said "I waved at that girl so she knows she is nice." I have been telling him to always wave and say hi to the pretty girls, it made me laugh.

On a side note an employee and I have been talking and sending text messages back and forth about dealing with loss, pain, etc. He lost his dad and his GF left him in the same year and has been struggling to move forward. Oddly his old GF was my SIL and they met at a house party I had years ago. This all happened about 9 years ago and he has just felt at a loss and drifting.

He started asking me how I can be so happy and stay upbeat through all I have just been through as he didn't know till the end about my D. So I trade stories with him and share techniques and hope it will help him. He has other things that have held him back and caused him stress over the years. A lot of people in the office have wanted to help him out over the years but couldn't find the way. I started opening up and being honest with my feelings to him and he has started the same so it is nice to see my general happiness and growth through all this being noticed and helping others.

[TenBook]

Hi Go.

It's not a NG thing to feel rage at what has happened. It's pretty normal.

[gogofo]

I kind of figured so, but I need to work through the rage as I don't want it to affect my life or emotions.

[gogofo]

Had an emotional moment last night. My oldest had been eating around an nursing a loose tooth all weekend, it was pretty close to come out. Well last night the XW sent a video of him playing with it and then two pictures of it out. It hit me hard and is getting me again as I type this.

I am sad that I do not get to experience these things with him because of the D. It makes me mad and makes me feel like everyone is cheated out of a more full filling life. Made me sad not to be there. I have only been there for one of his teeth.

I responded with a simple "thanks". She responded with "Tried to get him to save it for you but he played with it all night". That one got my blood boiling. Unfortunately the D makes it impossible for me to be there for all milestones in his life and it makes me feel cheated. I did not respond. I just sat and cried for 10 minutes.

The good thing is that I am able to work through these feelings quicker than before and they don't ruin me for a day or two.

[TenBook]

That is heart breaking Go, I can feel how saddened you are about it.

Thanks for sharing though.

[gogofo]

Another update

Had a great last weekend. Hung out at my brother’s barber shop and then went out with my friend. Bar hopped a little and ran into some other friends and there mom. She was very interested in me meeting one of her daughter’s friends. I guess word is out that I am single and I guess people still think highly of me as a good person.

So this girl and I chatted it up for a while and exchanged phone numbers while her fiend (that I know) was harassing me the whole time about hitting on her friend. Nice try, but not embarrassed. She is a cute younger girl who lives in a town about 15 miles away so we had never crossed paths before.

Went home that night and started to smoke some pulled pork for a house warming party I was having on Saturday.

House full of good friends on Saturday night, most had not seen my new place and we had not all been together as a big group in a long time. It was a really fun time. Tried inviting the girl and her friends from the night before but they did not respond to my text message that night until super late.

Come 6:25 in the morning the girl sends a text message to harass me since she knew I was partying the night before. I laid in bed, with a well-earned headache, until about 11:00 while texting back and forth with her all morning.

Decided I would be out of character and ask her to dinner that night. I would usually wait to try and casually run into her or be scared of rejection, but I am trying to put myself out there and not be shy or reserved. I have been trying to push my comfort limits and try to progress.

It took her about 1.5 hours to respond, but she said yes and seemed enthusiastic. She later admitted that shots of tequila may have clouded her memory of how I looked, but said she remembered thinking that I was handsome. What newly divorced middle aged man doesn’t like to hear that from a 26 year old.

So we met and had a quiet dinner and I was nervous, first time doing this in 10 years, but wanted to push my limits. We hugged and parted and went home. It was enjoyable and slightly awkward but I don’t think she noticed. Texted a little back and forth last night and seems we may be meeting up again sometime soon. It was weird to feel self-conscious about myself, noticed thinning hair a year ago and had a fever blister that was healing. I felt old and it felt unusual to talk about my kids while having dinner. Sometimes I feel like I am damaged goods, but I am working through those feelings and focusing on all the positives about me.

I am nervous about what I will feel or how I will act after being through the pain of divorce, but I have been trying to do me work. I have also started to re-read a book about starting over after a divorce. Not sure what I am looking for, besides having fun, but I plan to take it slow.

So things have been looking up and progressing for me. I think less and less about the D and XW with the more I do and all the GAL I am trying to get in. I am trying to continue to do my work as I feel I am not a complete “person” right now, but I am well on my way.

[gogofo]

Quickly finding out what it is like to try and date when you have kids and a job; makes is hard to coordinate schedules and find time to get together. Never did have a chance to meet up with the girl I had dinner with two weeks ago. Kind of frustrating, but not too big of a deal. Don't know if there was a connection there or not, but wanted to find out.

Having a slump in my feelings the last couple of days. My oldest's birthday is coming up next week and I have been feeling anger about the D again. I remember last year the feelings we had and the place we were at seemed hopeful. So I think the next week and a half will have me upset as I get through this first b-day while divorced. Just makes me mad not only for me but also for my kids. Not how their lives were supposed to be.

I know the only way to feel better is to live through the experience. I have been talking with a co-worker who D'd 5 years ago and had a similar situation. He said the first of every event is really hard, but I will get through it.

I now need to work through my feelings and anger about this. I have been having dreams about telling XW off and being angry at her. I think it is because of the upcoming b-day.

Right now I feel like her wanting the D and not wanting to work on the M was very selfish, I hate her for that and the ripple effect of pain that it caused. Parts of me feel vindictive and hope that her life turns to crap. Then I wonder if these feelings are me being selfish because I didn't get what I wanted.

My GAL for the upcoming days are go on shopping trip for b-day presents, do golf tournament for work, get camper ready, hopefully go camping for son's b-day weekend.

[gogofo]

Yesterday the XW came inside my house for the first time. She was picking up the boys and my oldest was excited about his Lego creation. She was hesitant but walked in.

Then last night she made me royally pissed off for the first time since the D. She sent a text message and a picture that said "two years ago today" and was a picture of us on a bike tour in Spain. Wow my blood boiled and I hit a 10 instantly. I must have screamed F%@k You about ten times when I read it. I wanted to text it back to her. I was livid. I was also texting a friend and he helped me calm down a little bit.

I just cannot for the life of me figure out why she would send it to me. My head was spinning last night. I know mind reading gets us nowhere so I stopped with it last night because it was just creating pain, and hope, and anger. The picture and message really screwed me up.

I am better about it today. I think if we didn't have kids I would have called her and told her over the phone what I was yelling in my house. I cannot believe she would do such a thing. Don't know what her intent was or if she expected me to respond. I did not respond.

[Sotto]

Hi Gogofo, I can understand you feeling upset about that. But I can't imagine why your W would have sent it other than that she was feeling wistful about good times you had and missing them.

I wouldn't set much store by that, because as we know WAS minds can be all over the place. She may well be feeling differently today. Did you respond at all in the end??

T :-)