I'm glad you posted all of this Roid, I think we all battle with it. This is the THIRD time my W has left me, twice when we were dating and now only two years into our marriage. All of my friends have said, "it's time to face the music."
But I'm with you. I remember just how much fun we had together, how many laughs, how many amazing conversations, and shared moments. I remember all of them. I also know the challenges, and see them for what they are - real world issues that can be dealt with. Like Zues says, we both lacked the necessary skills to communicate our needs. It wasn't a spiritual problem or a lack of love, or anything else, it was a skill issue.
All you can do is keep the faith until it no longer serves you. I believe that our W's are still unsure as well or they would have up and filed for D and just steam rolled ahead. Four months after leaving mine said she still wasn't sure. That's after moving to a new city, getting a new apartment, ditching her ring, changing her FB status, and using her maiden name! Either she's just messing with me and I'm a giant sucker (could be), or she still has some doubt too.
I love her, and am still in love with her. I recognize and take ownership of 100% of my 50% of our problems. If that still doesn't save us, then I'm going to have to make different decisions and will at that time.
Someone else posted something that resonated with me as well, "What if right now this is just what your M needed, it needed to be shaken to its core since the patterns you were using weren't working. What if this is EXACTLY what was necessary to actually save your M."
May be.
Keep up the good work.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Yeah, I agree with you. It just takes more patients than most people have. And trying to keep the PMA, throughout the process. Changing ourselves for the better is good. The first time we got back together I did it all for her. I thought I was doing it for me, but really I was still just as selfish and arrogant as before. Staying away from the R talk, is the way to go. It's hard and we want to say anything we can. It's just not going to work.
I still get a empty out in my stomach, and it's hard. But I'm trying to stay positive.
I think it takes being able to let go of what we think we can control. I'm trying to put myself in her shoes. What would I feel like if I were her. We just have to know that we can't control the spouses feelings, and we can barely control our own right now. But still it's never really giving up you can't be happy, it's just being patient to see if the spouse can think the same way. Keep up the work though, got to remember we will be better after all of this, if we choose to be.
I've definitely let go of the things I cant control. W is going to do what she's going to do. I can accept that now.
But I don't know how I will be able to ultimately let go of thinking of her as the love of my life.
In my stich, I find it hard with her disease. I want to ask her how she is, if she's feeling okay. But when I did the answer was pretty much always fine. No more than that, and that tells me she doesn't want to talk. It also tells me she is still upset very much with me. I know that has to dissipate before anything else can happen. And no one but her knows whether or not that will happen. It's out of my control.
I understand, it's the hardest part to let go. Think of it this way. If she is the love of your life, she will be there down the road. And maybe this was all needed to make things right, like pigpen said. If you believe in a higher power, he has a plan in mind, and maybe thus was it. Now that doesn't mean it will work out, but it may mean that we needed this for ourselves. And our spouses needed it for them. In the end we can either be great or skate by, I still have so far to go, but I know what I want. Hopefully we can all see the light one day and realize that everything happened to make our lives better.
I understand, it's the hardest part to let go. Think of it this way. If she is the love of your life, she will be there down the road. And maybe this was all needed to make things right, like pigpen said. If you believe in a higher power, he has a plan in mind, and maybe thus was it. Now that doesn't mean it will work out, but it may mean that we needed this for ourselves. And our spouses needed it for them. In the end we can either be great or skate by, I still have so far to go, but I know what I want. Hopefully we can all see the light one day and realize that everything happened to make our lives better.
Im understanding that better every day. There's no time limit on this whoe thing. She can be the love of my life right up until I decide that she isn't. I know that today, right now, I don't have to see that time just like I can't see Alaska from here but I would if I kept walking that way.
So I'm not dwelling on that part of it. Untying knots one by one so that someday, I'll be able to let go of this rope completely.
I'm trying to put myself in her shoes. What would I feel like if I were her.
I've been trying to do that, too. I think my W is tired, she feels like she's been responsible for everything in the business, with our finances, etc. Although we decided to work on the business together, she wants more support. All of this came to a head a month ago, and in the meantime, the OW - a predator, in my opinion - comes along offering "friendship," a listening ear, support. She takes advantage of my W's vulnerability, and next thing you know, it's a full-fledged affair and all my W sees is a future without the strains and stresses of her current situation. And at the moment, the excitement of the affair and their plans and all those things are a wonderful distraction from the business, and from our (I guess) stale family life.
It's a good question to ask why we hold on, but we hold on because we love them, deep down. We hold on because it's our integrity that fights for something we've built together all these years. In the end, they may still walk away. But we hold on, because we want to be sure we've done all we can do.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
But I don't know how I will be able to ultimately let go of thinking of her as the love of my life.
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That's it for me too, Matt. Ouch. Hurts to read that, even. Sorry...
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Her words were, "I guess you should know I'm going to take aderall, so I act crazy tell me"
.
It didn't change my behavoir, whatsoever. Having a little more alertness and energy may have improved my mood! b/c I had been feeling like death warmed over.
If taken as prescribed, it shouldn't cause an affect in her behavior, but she may try to use it as some type of excuse if she is caught acting badly. However, it won't be due to side-affects of the drug, but more likely the side-affects of a WW.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I understand, it's the hardest part to let go. Think of it this way. If she is the love of your life, she will be there down the road. And maybe this was all needed to make things right, like pigpen said. If you believe in a higher power, he has a plan in mind, and maybe this was it.
Hello Roid,
How are you today? Thanks for posting in my thread last night, I did reply there.
I really have to agree with your quote above, and Sandi just posted a good point, too.
Roid, I think it may be even a little harder (it's always tough) given the fact that you have not only been her H but "caregiver" as well, since she has RA. I replied last night that we walk a tight rope trying to care for our chronically ill spouse. No matter how well intentioned we are, if our Ws perceive it as being smothering then that is their reality. As you know, Roid, my W has MS. I had no idea she felt "smothered" until after she filed for D last October.
By detaching, keeping a PMA and with the support of all of the loving DB'ers on this forum, I truly can see things thru my W's eyes now. I have faith that my W will see I now understand and the "Old Bob" is gone. The Bob she fell in love with is back!
Does this make any sense? I hope it helps and please hang in there.
Here's a Bible verse I came across the other day I'd like to share with you:
“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength” (2 Timothy 4:17).
Take care -
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
