I should mention that she is staying in the spare room on weeknights & we share the master bedroom on weekends. This has been the case since she moved back in. It was her suggestion more than mine. Anyways, last night around midnight, she wakes me up, tells me she misses me and wants to know if I mind if she spends the night.
What!?
Let me ask something. Have you ever read up on the subject of a transparency plan? You have a W who admitted to an A, and she has no consequences, and no accountability. She comes into the MBR when she decides, otherwise sleeps in a different room. Yes, she is totally running this show!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2, "Have you ever read up on the subject of a transparency plan?"
I haven't but I expect maybe I should!
I guess I figured that by my initial request to ask her to leave the house was my way of holding her accountable. When we decided to move back in together I guess I thought the arrangement of spitting rooms would be a start towards reconciling.
Hi Sandi2, You bet still here, still attempting to get a grasp on things & rehashing the last 10+ months of my life.
I have to admit that it's taken me a long time to realize that I've been getting walked all over since this whole ordeal started. Not sure how I can be so blind & forgiving with the whole situation. I just find myself hoping that maybe this will be the time that she's telling me the truth, not hiding anything & is really putting in the necessary effort. She told me last week that she's willing to put in the effort & will try anything to make things work. We had a counselling session last Thursday & we were given another recurring homework assignment which we completed for the first time on Sunday night. W followed through with it with no hang-ups or anxiety.
My update from our last weekend together: We went camping again with a group of about 12 friends and for the most part had a great time. I kept myself busy socializing with the group & not dedicating all my time to W as I'd do in the past. W & I had a couple of minor 'spats' over nothing really, just stupid stuff. I would say this is outside the norm for us as we don't usually argue. Then on Saturday night she surprised me by pulling me into our trailer, said "she was just going to go with how she was feeling about things in the moment" & proceeded to take things further than we have in 10+ months...lets call it 2nd base:) We got interrupted by the group that we were camping with, so not sure to what extent she would have allowed things to go & not sure if this is something I should talk to her about or just wait to see if she has another moment? I also must admit that we had been enjoying some adult beverages prior to all this happening, so could very well have been her inhibitions were lowered. I guess time will tell if this was a "drunken" action on her part or if she really was feeling comfortable & in the moment. I had hockey Sunday night & after I left she sent me a couple of sweet "love" notes. I was also suppose to play again on Monday but our game was cancelled, when I mentioned this to W she seemed excited that we'd get to spend some time together. She has also commented a few times that she's looking forward to spending more time together & made a point of locking me down for a date night this Friday.
I am trying to not let the events of the past week/weekend cloud my judgement & continue to work on the "steps". I am getting out and doing more on my own & with other friends, also attempting to put 'me' first.
I still haven't brought up the whole sleeping in the spare room topic, although I know this is something I need to do.
Do you think its a bad idea for me to bring up the events of the past weekend? Do I ask her ask her if it was simply too much wine at dinner that caused her to do what she did?
Also, l haven't read up on "transparency plan" are there any links that anyone could provide?
After all this I'm still struggling with nagging thoughts that there might still be something going on with W and OM. Not sure why!?! I hope this is just paranoia resulting from past experiences and that it will pass with time!
I don't recall a specific link on transparency. The point of transparency is for you to be able to access your W's cell phone activity, email accounts, etc.., without you giving any notice or warning. If she is sincere about ending the A, she will have no problem in her H accessing anything. If she is sincere, she will want to prove herself. But, if she starts with the privacy cr@p, then she's lying about OM and her wanting to work on the M. There should not be a need for privacy from the spouse, and whenever a person gets riled b/c their privacy has been invaded, you can bet they have something to hide.
If she is serious, she will agree to being transparent. If she starts in about how that is you controlling her, then her heart is not right. Transparency is to help her, as well as it is to give accountability. It is pretty useless for her to pick and chose what you can see, or for her to tell you where she's going, etc. She doesn't get to decide. She doesn't get alerted. Only you decide when you will look.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't recall a specific link on transparency. The point of transparency is for you to be able to access your W's cell phone activity, email accounts, etc.., without you giving any notice or warning. If she is sincere about ending the A, she will have no problem in her H accessing anything. If she is sincere, she will want to prove herself. But, if she starts with the privacy cr@p, then she's lying about OM and her wanting to work on the M. There should not be a need for privacy from the spouse, and whenever a person gets riled b/c their privacy has been invaded, you can bet they have something to hide.
If she is serious, she will agree to being transparent. If she starts in about how that is you controlling her, then her heart is not right. Transparency is to help her, as well as it is to give accountability. It is pretty useless for her to pick and chose what you can see, or for her to tell you where she's going, etc. She doesn't get to decide. She doesn't get alerted. Only you decide when you will look.
Gotcha, that makes total sense! She has told me that I can see her phone etc. at any time but my worry is (a) that because I've found stuff on her phone before & confronted her about it that she'll be careful with deleting any conversations that may have taken place (if in fact there are any) & (b)that she will get defensive, although I guess if there is nothing to hide then why would she. I guess there's only one way to find out!
I decided to ask W if what happened in the trailer over the weekend was a mistake. She said that she wanted to go with what felt right in the moment but as I expected she also said low inhibitions from drinking likely played a large roll.
She is out tonight but reminded me before she left that we have to do our "homework" assignment when she gets back. She said maybe after homework she could sleep over because she's going out again tomorrow. I told her that likely wasn't a good idea an added that I didn't like how she was dictating everything. She seems a little surprised but also a little impressed that I stood up for myself.
I decided to ask W if what happened in the trailer over the weekend was a mistake. She said that she wanted to go with what felt right in the moment but as I expected she also said low inhibitions from drinking likely played a large roll.
That's one of the problems with a WW........she is controlled by her emotions in the moment. It must have caused you not to feel so great when she brushed it off by saying that drinking was a large part of it.
I caution you to be careful about these times of sudden seduction. It is not what you think it is.
As long as she's going out with her "girlfriends" every night while you sit at home waiting, the dynamics won't change.
Have you read the book, no more mr. nice guy? I think you may find it helpful.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Definitely didn't make me feel great, although I shouldn't have been surprised.
Have you read the book, no more mr. nice guy? I think you may find it helpful.
I haven't, although I did see it mentioned here by someone else. Seems like I've been reading more books over the past couple of months than I have in years. I bought both books recommended here, Divorce remedy & Divorce busting. I'm about half way done divorce busting. W has also purchased a couple of books so not sure if I'll read those when I'm done my current list.
What!?