I've been lurking around for the past month or so and the advice seems very real and solid.
My story,
Been married to my wife for 5 years, together for 7 and we have two year old son together. About a month ago she wrote me a long letter explaining how she feels which boiled down to she doesn't love me and probably never did. I don't believe there is any EA/PA going on but it just makes me think what could have happened all of sudden to make her think this? She has a close friend (female) whom just finalized her divorce and part of me thinks that friend helped her realize that she wasn't as close to me as she once thought? I watched a TED talk with Anne McCarthey (sp?) where she explained that a person with a divorced friend is 75% more likely to get a divorce themselves. Again, if these feelings were always there and she is just now letting me know about it something must have made her 'wake up'. I'm not blaming the friend 100% but maybe the subtle comments and advice was all my wife needed to bring it to light. Up until that point our marriage had it's normal ups and downs, due to some cancer concerns last year our sex life suffered and never recovered. I thought at the time it was something we could get through together but apparently (from her perspective) it had been in a downhill slide even though the diagnosis was not cancer.
I am currently working on myself GAL, working out, reading and spending all the extra time I have with our son. It's just hard to work on becoming a different person in the amount of time I've had so far to show her through actions that I can change. I have always been the type of person who closes off to others around him whenever any issue comes up that threatens to 'rock the boat' in my life. I am learning this through finding out what my personality type is and why it resorts to the behaviors I have displayed in the past. It's all been very eye opening for me as I've never asked myself or wondered who am I? How did I become the person I am?
Fast forward to last night. We are both lying in bed not able to sleep and we just started talking about the whole situation. Ever since she gave me the note I had been giving her the space she wanted to realize if she wanted to work on our M. So last night she said that she didn't like the awkward silence between us. I told her that if I were to help her realize that our M was worth saving it would come off as me trying to convince her to stay and it was something she needed to work out on her own. I don't want whatever happens between us now to be viewed in the future as "something I talked her into" or "made promises I didn't keep". I wanted her to come to a conclusion on her own. She understood where I was coming from but didn't know if she wanted to work on our M and make it better because she feels that she's always felt this way and has recently become detached. I tried to get specific details about what she didn't like and what I got was her interpretation of what she wants her life to look like. She wants to be social, outgoing, constant change, only worry about and have time for herself. I ask "is there someone else", reply "no" and I believe her. At this point in my head I am screaming "WHAT ABOUT OUR SON?!?","DON'T YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS WILL DO TO HIM?!?","STOP BEING SO SELFISH". I have never made her feel guilty about spending time with friends or not gave her the alone time she needs/wanted. I suggested MC as a possibility but only if she is going to try and actually be involved, not just go through the steps to say she tried. She said "I'm not sure it's going to help, I've just been detached for too long". My next question "so, what happens next?". She explained that she's not sure if MC will help, then started talking about finances and how she cannot afford a car payment and rent at the same time. I said please take a little bit of time and see if you can come to a decision on MC, using phrases like "I'm not sure" and "don't think it will help" are not answers for me. The final exchange was from me "if you decide you don't want to work on things then you need to realize the only communication we have going forward will be concerning our son and that's it? I cannot allow you emotionally effect me if we are no longer together for my well being and also for our son, he doesn't need to be exposed to that". She understood where I was coming from, agrees and leaves the MBR and heads to the couch for the rest of the night.
The next morning everything seemed normal, we did our morning routine and the only thing that changed was I took our son to daycare instead of her. As we were walking down the sidewalk I looked back and you could see something had changed in her eyes. There was almost a longing/regret/realization (I'm not sure what you'd call it) but it gave me the feeling that she saw what she would be leaving behind. Maybe that's the hope in me that she'll come around and see that my son and I and our marriage are worth fighting for...however, last nights comments keep bringing me down.
I know it's hard for dads to get primary custody, but, the way my wife is acting I'm not sure if she would pay attention to and care for our son properly if there was a 50/50 agreement in place, and that really scares me. We live in Michigan which is a no-fault state and since I would keep the primary residence he would probably spend most of his time with me anyway since it would be in his best interest (my wife agrees). Do I contact an attorney now? Or, wait?
These (and many others) are the thoughts going through my head...it's like she's already gone and doesn't want to know me and my son anymore and I just don't get it.
Any advice or insight you can give would be greatly appreciated.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Especially regarding the timing of speaking with an attorney. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I am about half-way through the DR book and I have to say I'm not sure if the tactics (180's, LRT) I've read so far will actually work.. It is really hard for me to stay positive and act like nothing is wrong around my W. All she does is ignore me and only responds when she has to with very short answers. So now I am suppose to do the same to her but be happy about it?!? Anybody have any tips for me? This is tough...
