Abuse

[Ggrass]

I had a quick read thru and need to have a considered read thru and formulate some replies.

I think there are levels and when threats and hitting comes in then it's at max. Covert threats are the hardest to pick, they can be brushed off by your abuser as you being overly Sensative.

[Ggrass]

I watched so many abuse videos that when they made me dissolve into hysterical crying about how my life was no list could tell me otherwise it was undoubtedly abuse.

Sleeping on a gun for 3 months. Having guns just laying within hands reach of my xh2. Him hitting the child as a control move. Those things all add up to be totally controlling and abusvie.

It doesn't matter that you lived it, it's about weather you sign up for another round. If your prepared to accept changing you can hanging the game to live a different Life in the future.

There's a lot of information and resources in this threaUd and I hope sincerely hope those of you who doubt your judgement you use some of these to grow your self into something far stronger and far better.

Gg, what made you wake up to the fact you knew you were being abused?

so it was a mate who hammered me, telling me that covert abuse is abuse. loaded guns in the house, the threat of hitting the child, the guns that were often left under the mattres, the threat of being as good as his word and leaving me over seas. So many things that were no win the having no life. Really those video of other women talking about their abuse when I had denied it so strongly that it could have been me. having to confront other things that meant it really wasn't about my best interest ever that marriage

What was the recognition oil, the videos or reading?
the video of the woman who's hubby hit her contansantly then used guns to threaten, mine thought he didn't use that threat as they weren't ever aimed at me or my head. Reading here night after night helped and so did the sharing of stories to know I couldn't fix it nor did I cause it, but was undoubtly held accountable when xh2 was totally unaccountable for any of his actions

Did hitting your child influence your decision?

yes and no it was the start of the real downward spiral it was where he started throwing a huge tratrum of how the child controlled the m. how s17 had manipulated me and my view of xh2 he even wrote an email telling me why hitting the child wasn't abuse and he would not expect anyone to stay in that sort of abusvie situtsion

After H2 had gone would you have taken him back?

in the early part I decided I would consider it a r sitch up to the one year but as the year rolled on my grief deepened and I grieve it and decided to let it go, hence I want settlement. Now I don't think I could remotely go back, unless xh2 had done a heap of personal work in him, which he hasn't done, rencenty he has lied about stuff that really doesn't matter one way or the other.

Do you think you would identify an abuser again?

Hell I hope so, but who knows! I thought I would never put up with abuse but I never really knew about covert hidden abuse to the same degree.

V

[Vanilla]

Recovery from abuse

Abuse is a personal issue, and elements of it are extraordinary detailed and pointed. In many cases we as targets may believe abuse is justified or that actually we are the source of it. PTSD depression and anxiety can be amoung the target's responses. There can also be a transition to physical abuse.

There is no replacement for professional assistance for healing, either for an abuser nor the target. Unresolved childhood issues can be involved for both and there can be great potential in healing those traumas. Deflection by the target involve having negative thoughts as a reaction and behavioural therapy can help counter those negative thoughts using techniques such as reframing.

Abusers may stop communicating entirely (level 5) so that ceasing an R may not be an enormous step. On a physical level, sex and physical intimacy and warmth can be withheld as punishment or reserved as a reward, and the abuser may use resumption of such connection as a means of restarting the cycle.
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Recognising Trickery

After recognising abuse the first question the target asks is "how did I get to this?"

The answer is that the targets of a systematic abuser were tricked, seduced or groomed. The abuser targets by whisking the target off their feet or overwhelms them with affection. They act as if they were a perfect match, have the same goals and really want a great R. The targets are flattered, love bombed, complimented. They enjoy their company and are becoming addicted. They lose their sense of separateness and independence. They are being gradually conditioned with requests, "I love you without make up, don't wear it" or "you look great in plaid shirts, wear these for me". Then adaption "I am glad you don't mind me, drinking, smoking, going to golf etc" . Object and the abuser pretends to be under attack.

The honeymoon phase is over. The target blames themselves and starts to compromise boundaries. The goals aspirations and common interests all gone and of course the target blames themselves.

The moment of truth (spell busting)

Recognise the cycle and the target can no longer not know or deny the abuse.

The target can never 'fix' the abuser or the R. Abusers need very specialist help, in any case they often know they are abusing and they see nothing wrong with it. That isn't the targets concern, once healing starts then the target can only be responsible for and focus on themselves.

Post Spell Busting

If the abuser ceases the R then that is very lucky indeed. Despite the pain the conditioning will stop and the grooming ceases. The psychological bond needs breaking. This is hard and confusing, sad and lonely making. Ironically removing the addiction makes the target feel worse, like a withdrawal mechanism.

The abuser may well have planned the drama of the break up for a long time to punish or lay the guilt for leaving on the target. Criticising , saying the target wasnt obedient, loving, were selfish or not good enough. They are the victim because the target is so awful. They may have sign posted the leaving, created drama or pretend its for their own good.

Conditioned the target feels lost and empty, life ripped apart. Expect that, it's natural and absolutely necessary part of the process.

If the target ends the R then there may be nastiness as the abuser has lost control.

The end of the R isn't always the end of the abuse. Control may be gone but the abuser may dig and crow. Turn up, fb, steal joint friends, manipulate family or children. Except now the target knows that abuse is intended. But awareness won't always stop abuse.

Avoiding all contact with the Abuser.

Complete NC and darkness. Use Ls, intermediaries, blocks, change direction. The abuser won't feel pain or remorse and the target can not expect it. Nothing the target does or says will make any difference.

The target may need to cut the abuser out of their life completely or find the sweet cycle restarting.
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Have a plan

Be prepared, plan escape like a campaign.

Go stay elsewhere, get an injunction, have a "safe" person. Take IC. list the abuse or any diaries or listen to recordings. Have a good L. Hold steady to resolve, have cards close to chest. Especially in Fins, now is not the time to brag or disclose.

Plan for the worst and be glad if it's better than that. The abuser will have a vice like grip. Ever seen a film where the scary bog monster tries to drag the hero under? That is the model for escape from the abuser/bog monster.

In the case of physical abuse stay out of reach and have police help on speed dial.

Have video or recordings stored safely.

Change phone numbers for private calls, block the abuser.

Believe nothing unless evidenced independently.
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What to expect in recovery

sadness and the blues. The grooming, feel good cycle is addictive. As the target you were "in love" even when being abused. That is conditioning. You may have been loyal, believed the horrid things the abuser said, you were a fly in a web.

Anger is justified and natural. Awareness will trigger anger, infidelity may trigger anger. Lies are suddely more obvious and what was once hidden is now revealed with great clarity, the abuser may not even hide their contempt or distain for you. Suddenly you as the target are a threat, the abuser has lost control and as the target you have a clearer view of the abuse. Lashing out at the abuser is counter productive.

The abuser already knows the target can ruin their reputation, sabotage any future R, and the abuser may fear they will get their just deserts. The power is now with the target and the abuser will try all tricks to protect themselves. Ideally You as the target can stay above that with dignity and distance that will lesson the backlash a little. revenge may be a dish best served cold, but let the universe deal with the abuser. It will happen, the abuser is incomplete.

Healing of you as target isn't about justice, revenge or exposure: it is about acceptance and detaching. Escape is vital, stay out of the cross hairs of a panicky or cold hearted abuser. Appear disinterested, let them go easily to a new target.


Denial may mean downplaying the abuse or recrafting it. The target may even sympathise with the abuser or even blame themselves. Denial is a way of coping and an attempt at restricting damage. It can be useful for a short while. Doubt arises, questioning of feelings and the risk of returning to the abuse.

Anxiety returns and concern over new Rs, not just romantic ones.

Thoughts may intrude or cycle. They may habituate and trigger. Continued negative thoughts create physiological damaging and impede clarity.
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Recovery Tools

All recovering targets need a great support structure.

Friends especially safe validating friends. Those who will accept the abuse, listen to feelings and pick up PMA. Advice to recovering targets is to create a "story" that's part of history, a short cut. Friends of the target may be frustrated that the targets recovery is slow. Expect slow and then halve the speed.

Survivor groups, twelve steps etc are a safe place to express. Cheaper than therapy and builds a support structure of like minded friends. It gives resources. Online can be great too, love that DB board.

IC, abuse counsellor, short courses are all great for working the maze. There is good amateur advice but professional resources are needed to confirm. Expect issues, expect to learn, expect to change, expect chaotic thinking. Doubt, confusion and denial will take time to clear.

Self awareness means reading, thinking, reflecting, writing and acting as if. Walk into the pain, expect it. You will hurt if you reflect on the R, maybe retraumatise yourself. This will influence decision making and action.

Meditate and use mindfulness to stay in the now. Create gratitude and joy, limit down time, stay busy, go GAL.
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Do this- the target is fighting themselves

~Stay to a regular schedule, don't make sweeping changes unless absolutely necessary.

~Eat healthily. Extreme self care, nutrition, know the bloods, nutritional status, take extra advice on this.

~Stay hydrated

~Consider anti depressants, at least discuss them

~Exercise at least 30 mins a day

~Light, sit in daylight as much as possible

~Sleep and rest

~Saunas, massages and physical therapy

~Clean tidy clothes, hair cut, grooming and cologne.

~If it hasn't been said enough cut the abuser out of your life as much as possible, cut casual contact and of course stay non sexual

~Be alcohol free

~Stay free of another R for at least one year

~Defer very important decisions until emotions are reset

~Remove that tattoo, belongings, special records, photos, redecorate etc

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Heading for acceptance

It is part of you the target's history. Let go of resentment and the desire to inflict pain through revenge. You will never be the same again. The abuser may be cycling with another target, the new target can't be warned. 

As part of healing the targets life once centred around the abuser is now self focused and that may be unfamiliar. As the target choosing the life affirming decision of staying away from the abuser. Stay out of the Abusers Rs.

Accept that change has occurred and leave the past in the past.


This post has been written from various notes including the reprise of Recovery from Abuse by Madeline Morgan

V

[mustardseed]

Wow V. I keep thinking about how many missteps I have made and reading through this I see why I need to stop trying to appeal to his decency. I recognize H in what you say, and it is scary to think that because I have had bad relationships before, but this one seemed so right. How could it be that he is this person described here? He has a larger circle than I do. And I know that his biggest fear is his reputation which has been threatened due to the blurred lines of our home life and his work life. Not to mention blurred lines of my pre-H days and his family.

I am afraid right now. Not sure what he is planning to do with the information I have given him by trying to appeal to his decency. Am I really in an abusive marriage? The gloves came off for him when I started seeking answers from those in his circle. It is interesting how he made it a point to tell me that I don't have any real friends here, except one. The rest are all through him, and their loyalties are with him. It was an odd thing for him to say, but I see now it is his way of trying to protect his reputation and creating paranoia in me.

[Vanilla]

I think that you have situational abuse. H controlling and cycling because of his work. He stepped this up recently as he sensed your becoming a woman only a fool would leave.

You got "balls" and acted independently of him. loss of control, "Peter Peter Pumkin eater, had a wife and couldn't keep her, then he put her in a pumpkin shell, just to keep her very well". You left the pukin shell, you set yourself free.

H is still trying to control your reality. You do have real friends, much better than acquaintances, plus you have 12 steps, self knowledge and integrity. Your reality is different from H description of it. The friends who back you are at this time the ones invested in you.

H is frightened his world will collapse, that isn't in your interest if you need Fin support from him! Eventually the truth will be out and H reputation will be smashed but he will keep his job. This won't be because of you, it's because liars lie and can't be consistent. It's easier to tell the truth, we remember the truth.

When you doubt yourself remember this point of realisation and clarity.

He is frightened of your power especially if he sees as I do enormous growth and potential in Msd. An Msd planting her seed in fertile soil.

Just because H says so, isn't making it so.

Hugs

V

[Vanilla]

Sorry guys fat finger syndrome:

Wanted to clarify in case of misunderstanding

WH created the requirement of Msd being in a pumpkin shell, (being chased) when he was the one cheating! Keeps Msd for himself in a chastity place. Msd chooses to leave WH and eventually she will be free to have a new R.

Msd is not in any way wayward so H control is to keep his cake for later in case he needs it. He needs his cake safe with icing intact and for none else to know about his cake eating habits. They will see his greed about cake and that reflects on him.

V

[Sherman333]

Wow V. I keep thinking about how many missteps I have made and reading through this I see why I need to stop trying to appeal to his decency. I recognize H in what you say, and it is scary to think that because I have had bad relationships before, but this one seemed so right. How could it be that he is this person described here? He has a larger circle than I do. And I know that his biggest fear is his reputation which has been threatened due to the blurred lines of our home life and his work life. Not to mention blurred lines of my pre-H days and his family.

I am afraid right now. Not sure what he is planning to do with the information I have given him by trying to appeal to his decency. Am I really in an abusive marriage? The gloves came off for him when I started seeking answers from those in his circle. It is interesting how he made it a point to tell me that I don't have any real friends here, except one. The rest are all through him, and their loyalties are with him. It was an odd thing for him to say, but I see now it is his way of trying to protect his reputation and creating paranoia in me.

but this one seemed so right.

Don't beat yourself up. Most likely, you were manipulated.

There are "typical" stages for a narcissistic relationship. To a certain extent, this can be extrapolated to relationships with other Cluster B personality types. I'm unfortunately very familiar with this one. It easy to doubt your perceptions when this happens. People with these disorders cannot empathize. They'll only use it against you later. Especially in the 2nd stage.

• Love Bombing - This is the beginning stage where they lure you into the relationship. They can be very charming. They will go out of their way to make you feel valued, appreciated, appeal to your desires, etc.
• Idealization/Devaluation - This is where they vacillate between how wonderful you are and then how horrible a person you are. Often they'll use public shaming and humiliation as a form of control. Then they'll take all back when they're idolizing you again.
• The Discard Phase or the Abandonment Stage - They abandoned you and the relationship so quick it's amazing. You'll need to be on guard as the narcissist will come back repeatedly to start the phases over again. Best to go no-contact if you can. Or minimize it as much as possible.

Search terms:
Love Bombing
Cluster B Personality Disorders
narcissistic relationship stages

Cluster B personality disorders have 5 fundamental fears.

• The fear of abandonment.
• The fear of loss of control.
• The fear of feeling or appearing inferior or inadequate.
• The fear of loss of resources.
• The fear of exposure.

I believe all of these are searchable and a search would do a better job of explaining them. Touching any of these would trigger a strong response from someone with any of the cluster B disorders.

In the example above, "And I know that his biggest fear is his reputation which has been threatened ", you're triggering the fear of exposure.

As for dealing with your paranoia and understanding your marriage, that's something I'd suggest an IC for. You can also search for things like "Signs That You're in a Relationship with a Narcissist".

You're best friend is documentation (recordings (know your laws 1st), emails to the lawyer describing events with any additional proof, Facebook Posts (akin to dumpster diving, but...), etc.). Best advice is to go no contact if possible. If they're kids involved, try to minimize contact as much as as you can and keep the conversations focused on the kids - NO EMOTION as that feeds them.

My suggestion is search/read/understand. There's a lot of help out there once you know where to look.

[Vanilla]

Twelve Steps of abuse for targets

Prior to acceptance there is realisation, and we move into crisis. The memories and suppressed feelings create turmoil. We pull back and thus do not listen to our intuition, we may be anxious shocked traumatised depressed or hurt. Devastated by the control. We are however at crisis and the abusers spell is broken, we are no longer charmed and the abusers control slips. Knowledge is our gift, once we know then we can never unknow. The end of the charm is over. The abuse may not stop just because we know and can see it. But the abuser will no longer hide his intentions towards controlling the target. There may be may cycles before the spell is broken, or we may be abandoned and distressed because the abuser has moved on. In some cases one abuser is replaced by another. A parent by a spouse, a boyfriend by a husband. It is only when we say "I will not be abused or controlled, I want this to stop", now what do I do, that we reach acceptance that we have lost control over ourselves.

We are honest and we feel, we are moving to the point where we have accepted that change is needed and it can't be done alone. This is the crisis point of realisation, the point at which the twelve steps begins.

1. Acceptance
We admitted we were powerless over the abuse and our lives were unmanageable. This first step is to admit to a problem, those unwilling to admit to an issue may not seek help and return to the abuse. Accepting the problems exist but this creates awareness. Admission firms up the issue. We have broken our silence, we have spoken in confusion and often in dis pair. We may still doubt the reality but we have accepted the existence. We remember this as part of a continuum we do not know why we were vulnerable. We are free to remember and this starts the grief. This is the start of congruence. But it the process of integrating abuse in our life story. We make a decision to heal, an active commitment to healing regardless of the pain and risk. Staying in the current position is more hurtful than moving on. We are ready to heal and we have accepted the need that it's not something we can do alone.

2. Hope
Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us the sanity. Saying we need help that we can't do this alone. We connect with our higher power, our simpler selves, our innocence. Think that we have a small child within us, what is needed to feel whole? This child is our inner wisdom and has complete access to the higher power. This is our vulnerability we can connect with it, feel compassion for ourselves, anger at the abuser and empathy with others. We acknowledge that abuse is the abusers choice. We know we have no shame about the abuse. We didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it; we have responsibility only for ourselves.

3. Faith
Made a decision to accept help and have faith in the process and the perceptions you have. Then the intuitions we feel have validity, if we have sensed there was something wrong then we can count on the higher power within us which is telling us something about our sitch and ourselves. We learn about boundaries and what is acceptable to us. We accept that we have the need for nurture.

4. Honesty
Look at our own faults, examine where we are missing and that it is our own defects which hold us to the abuse all the while knowing we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. The abusers do what they do for their own reasons, their faults. How this is managed and our response is ours. This is the step of grief and struggle, grieving is honouring pain, examining what happens is part of it. We can cry it out, express the pain.

5. Courage
Admitted to another ourselves and our higher power the exact nature of our role. Admitting we have issues and the truth of our sitch then we can detach and let go, we are ready to receive support.

6. Willingness
We become ready and willing to make the changes, we accept it is our responsibility to change. We may be angry and this is powerful and motivating. We can in the name of our abuser, pay it forward. This doesn't last forever let it fuel you to peace in step 6.

7. Humility
Humbly asked for change using prayer, healing, meditation, hope and faith. In peace challenging the abuser, confronting them by letter, in counselling whilst acknowledging our role can be part of this step. We can write and then let go of the letter. Nothing says I am ready to heal like silence, I have been abused yet I accept that I need to change and move on.

8. Sincerity
Made a list of all persons harmed in accepting abuse. We are not the abuser why should we find ourselves harming others? aren't we the ones who are affected.? The answer is of course but the abuse may have left us depressed, lost, ineffectual and bewildered. It may have made us angry, we are responsible for our reactions and their effects. Our family, friends, coworkers, bosses, children and others have been affected. We may need to apolgise to ourselves.

9. Action
Make amends to others, except when to do so may injure them or make things worse. Not all others are prepared to accept apology or amends and that is their right. We give and accept forgiveness, we allow ourselves the comfort of knowing we are human and flawed. We may come to forgive the abuser but it behaves us not to forget. Forgiveness of the abuser is voluntary and a choice, it's ok to decide not to forgive it's our right. Resentment won't help though and a desire to seek revenge won't fit with the twelve steps. let go of the resentment.

10. Vigilance
When we continue to watch and admit to being wrong we accept that relapses are normal, flashbacks affect us. Admitting that we struggle is not weakness but strength. This is resolution and moving on. This means we have made deep and lasting changes in life, there is awareness, compassion and power.

11. Spirituality
Seek improvement through the thought prayer meditation and study for quiet time and the power to do that which we need to do. We improve our lives and those around us. We are moving forwards, there is no chance of a relapse and we recognise that others are struggling. There is a clarity of thought, we are building on knowledge. A sense there is a greater power is a huge asset and uniquely personal.

12.Sharing
Knowing that which we know we can carry the message to others, seeking help to develop ourselves. This is fellowship, community and positivity.

V

[Zelda09]

V, you are a blessing.

I notice after H had a violent episode with me and we broke up, I would restart the cycle by reaching out to him - especially when his well adjusted 'wise' self went about town being perfectly well and at peace over our end. It made me doubt everything about me and though you would think you can't unknow what you know, somehow I found a way. Every time. To minimize and take the blame it some well spoken psychobabble.

Not this time.

[Vanilla]

Conscience, 12 step and what we do when we wrong another

The process when we wrong another is:
1. We commit or say a wrong- accidentally or deliberately
2. We feel guilty for a deliberate wrong and acknowledge an accidental wrong
3. We take responsibility and accept that a wrong needs correcting
4. We apologise or atone

Where correcting the wrong would cause more damage we stay silent and make amends to the universe in other ways.

For example we accidentally drop a vase, we apologise and offer to replace. We steal our granddaughters chocolate egg, we own up and replace it. 

The process of the abuser, addict or compulsive (collectively Abusers)

With abusers and those who are dysfunctional they donot have the guilt phase so this is:

1. They do or say something wrong
2. There is no guilt, so they justify their action
3. Thus there is no responsibility so they blame others, the wrong doesn't need righting
4. There is no atonement or proper apology
5. There is then a repeat of the wrong
6. The abuser loses even more respect for the target

The response is:
at step 2 enforce the boundary and then have a two day rule to see if there is atonement or proper apology

at step 5 is for the target to say " I am not being wronged anymore" and enforce the stated boundary then silence for 5 days etc

The one without guilt or responsibility will say, the vase was on a slippery table, your 2 year old pulled the cloth or other such responses. The chocolate egg melted, was eaten by mice or accidentally fell, all the time licking their lips.

How to respond

If there is physical abuse, financial abuse (theft), damage of property, it's time to enforce boundaries and take action. Record abuse and protect yourself, allow natural consequences to evolve.

This sort of behaviour is uncivil at best and criminal at worst. Of course countering and self survival will anger the abuser, they have been thwarted. Treating the abuser as well as you can without harming yourself, take time, do not disclose your hand. Make it hard for the abuser to continue, an abuser has no respect for the target, return the favour.

One cannot love or talk an abuser into respecting you as a target. Your best defence is self respect and this may mean therapy, enforcing boundaries and healing childhood hurts. Being open about the abuse and being clear, writing this as life story is essential to the recovery of the target.

Lose the label of a victim, target, or doormat and heal.

Get the abuser or invalidator from your life as a target, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Whatever you do the abuser is a miserable, unhappy and selfish person who no matter what you do will stay that way. They need help to recover and without it will cycle and keep doing harm to those around them. It really doesn't matter why or how the abuser arrived at this point, without help they can't recover and the target cannot give them this help. Of course situational abusers and reaction Abusers have normally suspended the guilt cycle because of addiction and they can recover. Systemic Abusers rarely recover, even with substantial help.

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The most logical reasons why

There are a number of traits of Abusers:
1. Ego (this replaces true self esteem)
2. Arrogance and conceit (lack of confidence replaced by bravado)
3. Entitlement (replaces skills and accomplishment)
4. No conscience or a temporary suspension (guilt as an emotion is suppressed)
5. Irresponsibility (the ability to blame others)

The demeanour and attitude of the targets response
Always be truthful, do not deny affairs, abuse or invalidation. Make it uncomfortable for the abuser as the abuse will not stop. When you enforce your boundaries and react in response then the abuser will escalate the abuse (this is referred to as extinction burst) as an attempt to assert. Ironically the boundary enforcement is a challenge to the abuser and they will wrong more. Enforce further and make the consequences further. Go silent and as long as boundaries are healthy then this is absolutely the correct response. The abuser abuses because it works.

Be free of being a target, ask yourself why am I a target. Be free to determine your own future. Detach and do not take the emotional load. The abuser is not reasonable, separate their opinion from your self esteem. Get mastery over yourself, silence is often the best tactic, keep everything intellectual and dismiss the opinion. Know that the abuser is projecting their faults onto the target. Like sending a poison arrow to you.

When the target is wronged for something they didn't say or do then it says more about them than you. Their negative characteristics are transferred to you and it may go further in that you have the opposite traits, if they say you are selfish, it's themselves they refer to and in fact you are generous and kind. Be generous and kind, be silent and keep the incendiary responses to zero. In fact validate but hold the boundary as in "I understand why you feel that way but I do not agree". No good deed goes unpunished with these Abusers.

Detach and use effective silence.

V