Too many couples believe that love is enough. It isn't. Feelings of love are fleeting. You need relationship skills to make love last. Learn them, and you have love insurance. -Michele Weiner-Davis
I wish I had read this and found this website BEFORE things got so bad. I actually had started turning myself around for a year or so before BD but not to the extent that I needed to. If I had only read this advice (and taken it) even just a month before BD I think I could have prevented this whole thing. But I am doing it now. Going back to reread this thread. And others. Thank you.
"People often ask, "Should couples stay together for the sake of the kids?" Implicit in this question is the assumption that people stay together for any single reason. Even successful long-term marriages are rarely held together by one bond, including love.
Couples stay together for a multitude of reasons; financial and emotional security, sex, dislike of the singles scene, stability, companionship, status, fear of loneliness, feelings of love and commitment, religious mores, the children. There is nothing unusual or unhealthy about kids being of the many ties inextricably connecting couples." -DIVORCE BUSTING
I love this thread. I keep snapping screen shots to save these pearls. Well done!
Thanks.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Credit to another poster on FB - MWD really liked her post!
Quote:
I was told to take a piece of paper. Then Write all the things my spouse does that I hate and make me want to end things (at this point I was sure I hated him. Seeing all his flaws laid out) Now draw a line down the middle of paper. On the other side of the list and line, make another list of what you do in relation to all the things you listed about your spouse Now cut the line. Throw away your husband's portion Now reflect on all your behaviors (because you can only control yourself)
Some of my actions made me cry, some were worse than his even. Despite him causing the actions (how I used to rationalize it) some of my actions (the part I'm supposed to control) were embarrassing and inexcusable
I then realized I myself needed to grow, adapt, and change too
"There is a misconception that healthy relationships consist of two people with many mutual likes and dislikes, but this is not necessarily true. Spouses can have very diverse interests and still have a satisfying marriage. There needs to be some common ground, but not a lot. Divergent interests do not have to destroy a marriage. On the contrary, they can enhance one." -DIVORCE BUSTING
Edit - From Cadet - "I think they both need to believe in MARRIAGE"
It has come to my attention that the majority of people deciding to dissolve their marriages do not seek professional counseling, a fact which I find to be both amazing and disturbing. Since we now know how devastating divorce can be for everyone involved, it is hard to imagine that anyone would opt to get out of a marriage without seeking professional advice. I would think most people would want to feel they left no stone unturned before making such a criticial decision.
People who get divorced are often shocked to discover that their difficulties continue to hound them in spite of their single status or their choice of a new partner. Some say, "My spouse's habits really irritated me, but now I can't cope with this loneliness." Or "The new guy I married seemed so sensitive and open, the qualities I missed in my first marriage, but as I've gotten to know him better he now seems more like a clone of my first husband." Diagnosing your spouse as the problem means that your microscope lens may be too narrowly focused. You are failing to notice how the habits you both have developed and the roles you've both played have contributed to your unworkable marriage. Unfortunately, you take those habits with you when you go. -DIVORCE BUSTING
