WAW Filed for D the Next Day Part 9 (Bob)

[Bob723]

Warning--long post! Bob

You're on my daily prayer list of people I give thanks for.

Of all those sweet things you said to me, this is the one that means the most. Whenever I tell someone I will pray for them, I really mean it. I believe in the power of prayer, and I think you do, also. If it is not presumptuous of me, would you also add my H and D? I honestly know which will be passing away first. They are both going down in their physical problems at a fast rate. Thank you very much. Just sharing that with you helps me.

I appreciate your encouragement, Bob. There are several folks on the board I believe are natural when it comes to speaking positive words and encouraging the broken hearted. You definitely go into that category! I don't see how your W could not miss having you around her!

Any thought at all on her TMs from the other day, Fri 6/19? Where she apologized for her mean-spirited TM and even referred to it as "vicious" and then asked a favor of me (the clothes, etc). About the only time I hear from her is when she needs a favor. I re-posted it a little above your reply on page 3 of this thread.

To me, it looked as if she was taking her mean spirit out on the one closest to her, and therfore she resents the most (her H) and in her own way is rebelling against the M. Even if she was stressed out due to the debt collectors, it was not right for her take it out on you. In her WW heart, this stress she saw as being all your fault, so that was the motivation behind that text. Even her text where she called herself apologizing, I guess? There seem to be criptive dart throwing in your direction. I think this could be called a back handed apology. Do you know what those are? Where she hurriedly slides over her actually saing she was sorry....and immediately gave reasons to justify her mean mood. Well, apparently there aren't very many people who put up with her speaking to then in the manner she used with you.

I don't know how many minutes from when she sent text 1 and then sent text 2, but text 1 was to soften you up (just in case you had no intentions of cooperating with her request coming up on its heels. Question: have you ever noticed if she mentions some medical/health issue withing that same text or conversation? Almost canceling out the apology by sayin she was sick, so that was her reason,..........so there!

It has been my experience, while sticking around the boards these past eight years, and reading this type of emotional, radical, wide swing shots that could be summed up and put in a thimble, by saying you are the reason for all the wrongs in her life. But instead of dealing with it like mature, rational person would do........she uses you for the scape goat. She feels that relieves her of the sin or responsibility. She believes you deserve to be the one they make accountable, not her.

The icing on the cake is when she comes back around to ask you to gather, pack, and deliver her things. Of course you feel setup! I believe anytime a WW is vicious in one message and blaming it on everyone except owning her behavior, then the next message will be her requesting you give of your time to go through her things and pick out the designated items and package them to mail.........I think it is much like preparing a goose for dinner. First you slay him, then buttering him up real good, and then turn up the heat.

You have a great big heart, Bob! I hope you have the capacity for much patience too. She is angry at her situation and is taking her anger out on you. I think she believes leaving you will somehow rid her of most of these problems. That is common for WW's who don't have health issues, with your W in her particular physical condition, it causes you much concern for her welfare. I think you will be tested in that area.

So, yes, I don't see her so called "apology" text as anymore that her taking another dig at you (backhanded apology) then buttered up for the kill (a favor).

Sandi, wow, I don't even know where to begin. To me the most logical thing is to thank you with all my heart and soul. Your kind sentiments made my eyes water--but I really needed to hear those words. I don't have many pet peeves in this world but one is people who are boastful. So if this sounds boastful (next paragraph) of me, someone please whack me on the forehead with a 2x4.

My Mom, God rest her soul, was the type of person with a heart of gold and she would literally give the shirt off her back for you. Everyone on both sides of my family and my long-time friends say I am just like my mom. Even my W did. I only bring this up because I want you all to know it is something that has been instilled in me since my first memories. Couple that with being the oldest of four siblings and you have "Bob." Hehe

Sandi, you are so polite. I only say or write what I truly feel so I did mean all those things about you. Presumptuous? Never! I would do anything I could for you or any friend that is humanly possible. I have already added your H and D to my prayer list. I am like you, whenever I tell someone I will pray for them, I really mean it and follow through. If someone is going through a very rough time, you may notice that sometimes I let the person know I will pray for them as soon as I submit the post. That is because I am afraid I will forget to pray for that person if I don't do it immediately.

When you wrote, "there are several folks on the board I believe our natural when it comes to speaking positive words and encouraging the brokenhearted." That's what I started tearing up a bit. Maybe it's a little bit of my Mom in me coming out I don't know, but I can't express how kind and thoughtful that was of you to mention that.

The things you mentioned about our R, and in particular how W is taking her unhappiness all out on me and not taking any part in this, is exactly what my IC has been trying to get through my thick skull for 8 months now! LOL

You mentioned you weren't sure how many minutes passed between W's first and second text, The backhanded apology and then the favor. Less than 10 minutes!! I'm sorry, but I find it manipulative. As I wrote before, since we've been separated, W does this frequently. I want to keep the road home paved smoothly and believe in taking the high road as Dear Vanilla posted, but with my wayward wife, I'm beginning to wonder if I need to set some kind of boundaries?

What do you think Sandi?

Then, at 1:40 AM this morning (which woke me up and I couldn't fall back to sleep much after it) I got this response a text my W. I always remember to believe nothing our WAS say and 50% of what they do, so I'm not worried too much. It's interesting she notes things we need to fix around our house as those were the things we both agreed on sometime before this the D-Bomb that we need to work on (for our enjoyment). But we didn't have much extra money to get started. Could she be testing me to see if I will cooperate? Mind reading, I know, but that was one of the reasons she gave for filing for D -- that we argued too much. Hmm...

Oh, before I forget Sandi, I am probably going to read your post at least five more times! If I remember your story correctly, what made you change your mind was when you realized how much you were going to lose. I feel stuck between doing the right thing and doing what works to try to get my W to see how much she's going to lose.

Also, since it's Father's Day here in the US, I will be getting ready any moment to go pick up my children and enjoy lunch with the 3 of them. They are all in college and I have such a great time with them. I love them more than life itself, like I still do my W, and they all love me so much, too. What a lucky, blessed man I am.

Before reading the text I got from M this AM, please note that I pay W $700 every two weeks by court order of the judge in a pretrial we had in February. That coupled with helping my ex-wife (D in 1999) pay for my children's college expenses has put me on the brink of bankruptcy. Also, the judge ruled because she can't work full time she should have 60% 40% equity in our home. So I feel that if she does pay for all the repairs she should only be entitled to get back 60%, not all 100%. Of course this would be something for me to bring up to my L, but I wanted to point it out upfront for Sandi or anyone reading the text from W. Now, W lives with her Mom for free -- except she pays for her own food, other personal items and clothes. When I read her text, I felt like she wants to see if I will cooperate but also wants to "have her cake and eat it, too."

Here's the text (in blue) I got very early this morning from my W:

"Hi, yeah I was really excited for you and the rest of Chicago! It's been getting very hot here, especially during the day and when I go out I don't need to lose anymore weight! We also need to talk about selling the townhouse. It's not going to sell well as it is. I have been thinking and it needs painting, some new carpeting, a new sink/cabinet for the powder room and some updated fixtures. Then it needs some staging. It can be done, it just needs some planning. It's possible I could pay for it. Most of it can be done with things from Lowes. It would all need to be done in neutrals, It would sell much better that way, we'd make more money that way and of course I would take any money I put into it straight off of the top!? Please give it consideration, it would really make the most sense. Then I would move my things out or put extra things in storage. What do you think? I know it's a lot to digest, but we need to start thinking about these things. Thanks. W"

I hate to "post and run" but I have to leave soon to see my children. I'll be back online in about 5 hours. Happy Father's Day to all Dads out there.

Sandi, there aren't words to say how much I thank you. Again, you, your H and D will be in my nightly prayers. That's a promise from me to you.

Bob

[sandi2]

Have a happy Father's Day!

I agree that your W is trying to manipulate you. This seems to be very common with WW's. IMHO, it is b/c of their self-centerness and putting themselves and their needs first. They believe they deserve to get everything (b/c of the years they had to put up with the H, and this is their time to be happy, etc.), regardless of the strain it makes for the H. Rarely will a WW think fairly, b/c she can't rationalize. It may sound perfectly logical to her ears, but that's b/c she is seeing how much she will benefit from it.

I want to keep the road home paved smoothly and believe in taking the high road as Dear Vanilla posted, but with my wayward wife, I'm beginning to wonder if I need to set some kind of boundaries?

I do not see keeping the road home paved smoothly and setting boundaries as two separate options. I won't get detailed about it, b/c I wrote about this in my threads on WW's. Keeping the road paved smoothly doesn't mean you roll over and let her have her way (in everything that affects your life). WW's have this "entitlement" attitude and if you don't know where and when to draw the line, you won't be any more than a puppet.

Keeping the road smoothe means that you don't intentionally do something that would cause reconciliation very difficult. You don't turn into some cruel jerk who wants revenge and sets about to punish her. Other examples of not keeping a smoothe road would be if you were to get into another relationship, or have a child by another woman, or go to prison, or move to the other side of the world with NC. In other words, it's when you place barriers in the road back home. Sometimes, you may have to ask yourself if whatever you are doing will make R impossible (that is, if you still want to R)..........and then ask yourself if that particular decision is the "right thing to do". Sadly, there may be a time you have to make a choice in the two.

To me, taking the higher ground means to do the right thing.........not to roll over or become spineless.

I believe about the only way a man can deal with a WW is to have boundaries. They are to protect you, and if there are no boundaries, you can expect her to put you through the wringer.......emotionally, financially, and every other way.

Could she be testing me to see if I will cooperate? Mind reading, I know, but that was one of the reasons she gave for filing for D -- that we argued too much. Hmm...

No, I don't see it as her testing as much as I see it as manipulation. If you don't cooperate, she'll just up the manipulation tactics.

[Wonka]

Bob,

Would it be financially feasible for you to buy W out and keep the townhouse? I'd want to check into this FIRST before responding to W's text/email.

Cover all of your financial bases before you even formulate any response to W. Talk with your financial advisor or whomever you currently have in regard to the financial assets in respect to a D.

[Vanilla]

Bob

WAW communication is polite and respectful and asks a great deal of you. This is a mini love bomb communication with a trapped demand.

What do I mean by taking the higher ground?

By being respectful and responsive when WW is polite and respectful is training. Not responding when she is disrespectful is saying this doesnt affect me, grow up and I am not affected. Silence is golden. You are validating and it's for you not to make WW feel good.

It does not mean being amenable to all WW demands and it means enforcing your boundaries firmly and politely. Giving WW some of her personal stuff is one thing but selling your home is another. Since WW has been kind enough to reveal her thoughts then get yourself independent additional L support. Keep this to yourself, silence and work through your options. Wonka has suggested one route.

It may be time to have boundaries on responding to emails, perhaps a rule that you respond after five days to slow this down. Give yourself space to response intellectually not emotionally, have the disconnect and give this space and time. These are reasonable things to do.

WW is asking you to make bigger decisions more than painting the bathroom beige. Do you want your bathroom beige? It's quite one thing to paint it lime green with pink spots as revenge and quite another to capitulate to sell your home for a higher price. WW is suggesting that selling the house is a done deal and how to do it, smile it's silliness and controlling even if she pays for it.

Relax, see this for what it is, WW looking for a response to her demands. Don't let it twist you.

Cool cat stuff rather than enthusiastic dog. I would like to see Bob as a cool detached cat with this. Remember cats have independence.

V

[Vanilla]

Oh and Bob, I packed my H stuff and asked him to give me the packing boxes, and H must remove it or arrange to have it removed. I did not give him a choice about it. I am searching every drawer, cupboard and secret space. I have packed his things respectfully, added extras and ironed, cleaned and wiped before I packed. Treated his stuff with respect, taken the higher ground. His stuff is going and I have packed at least 60% by now. It suits me as I am recording the CDs and DVDs, oh and yes he will get a digital copy. When in doubt I am allocating to H, if it's joint and I neither want nor need its H, if it's H junk it's packed for him to decide. (not the open jar of pickles or the frozen prawns!)

As I pack I am grieving and also taking stuff to the tip or recycle. I am cleansing.

The last batch of H stuff has been there two weeks, if it's not moved then I will arrange for it to be stored. I will pay for three months then it's up to him. It's my boundary, I donot let H text, he must email, I respond in two days if H is polite. if its a dig I answer after two days with OK. If its out of order, silence.

V

[Wonka]

V,

With all due respect, your sitch differs from Bob in two respects:

-your H is very abusive so you rightly need to keep distance from him
-Bob's wife has MS and lives 3.5 hours away

So that needs to be taken into consideration. I would think that if Bob would send things to his W this first time around as a "freebie", then any further requests after this one would have to be arranged by W.

[Vanilla]

V,

With all due respect, your sitch differs from Bob in two respects:

-your H is very abusive so you rightly need to keep distance from him
-Bob's wife has MS and lives 3.5 hours away

So that needs to be taken into consideration. I would think that if Bob would send things to his W this first time around as a "freebie", then any further requests after this one would have to be arranged by W.

I agree Wonka 100% and probably Bob will have to pack up for W as a practical issue.

V

[Bob723]

I want to keep the road home paved smoothly and believe in taking the high road as Dear Vanilla posted, but with my wayward wife, I'm beginning to wonder if I need to set some kind of boundaries?

I do not see keeping the road home paved smoothly and setting boundaries as two separate options. I won't get detailed about it, b/c I wrote about this in my threads on WW's. Keeping the road paved smoothly doesn't mean you roll over and let her have her way (in everything that affects your life). WW's have this "entitlement" attitude and if you don't know where and when to draw the line, you won't be any more than a puppet.

Keeping the road smoothe means that you don't intentionally do something that would cause reconciliation very difficult. You don't turn into some cruel jerk who wants revenge and sets about to punish her. Other examples of not keeping a smoothe road would be if you were to get into another relationship, or have a child by another woman, or go to prison, or move to the other side of the world with NC. In other words, it's when you place barriers in the road back home. Sometimes, you may have to ask yourself if whatever you are doing will make R impossible (that is, if you still want to R)..........and then ask yourself if that particular decision is the "right thing to do". Sadly, there may be a time you have to make a choice in the two.

To me, taking the higher ground means to do the right thing.........not to roll over or become spineless.

I believe about the only way a man can deal with a WW is to have boundaries. They are to protect you, and if there are no boundaries, you can expect her to put you through the wringer.......emotionally, financially, and every other way.

Could she be testing me to see if I will cooperate? Mind reading, I know, but that was one of the reasons she gave for filing for D -- that we argued too much. Hmm...

No, I don't see it as her testing as much as I see it as manipulation. If you don't cooperate, she'll just up the manipulation tactics.

Hi Sandi!

I did have a Happy Father's Day, thank you! Also, thank you for your detailed response. What golden thoughts and advice!! I will re-read your thread on WWs.

I got home much later than I thought I would, so I will try to post tomorrow.

In the meantime, I have not and will not reply to my WW's last text.

I'll be dedicating a prayer to you, your H and your D soon.

*hugs*

Bob

[Bob723]

Bob,

Would it be financially feasible for you to buy W out and keep the townhouse? I'd want to check into this FIRST before responding to W's text/email.

Cover all of your financial bases before you even formulate any response to W. Talk with your financial advisor or whomever you currently have in regard to the financial assets in respect to a D.

Hello Wonka,

Oh, thank you so much for stopping by and asking a great question. I always love hearing from you. I am going to look into buying out my W. I have not and won't reply to W until I have time to think about this and discuss with my L.

I noticed you replied to V re: the difference in our sitches. Of course, we both know Dear Vanilla was trying to help. Since I've been out most of the day with my children, I appreciate you bringing V up to date while I was away. I see that V agreed with you.

Many *hugs* and prayers to you!

Bob

[Bob723]

WAW communication is polite and respectful and asks a great deal of you. This is a mini love bomb communication with a trapped demand.

What do I mean by taking the higher ground?

By being respectful and responsive when WW is polite and respectful is training. Not responding when she is disrespectful is saying this doesnt affect me, grow up and I am not affected. Silence is golden. You are validating and it's for you not to make WW feel good.

It does not mean being amenable to all WW demands and it means enforcing your boundaries firmly and politely. Giving WW some of her personal stuff is one thing but selling your home is another. Since WW has been kind enough to reveal her thoughts then get yourself independent additional L support. Keep this to yourself, silence and work through your options. Wonka has suggested one route.

Cool cat stuff rather than enthusiastic dog. I would like to see Bob as a cool detached cat with this. Remember cats have independence.

Hello V,

You have such a way with words! LOL! "I would like to see Bob as a cool detached cat with this." I am still LOL and I appreciate the point you are making!

I can't find the words now to express how much your comments and advice mean to me. I've noticed that you have been posting more in my thread recently and it means the world to me!

Why? Because you always seem to get right to the heart of the matter and I sure can use the help.

I read all your posts since I left to see my lovely children. I am so sorry to hear this: "As I pack I am grieving and also taking stuff to the tip or recycle. I am cleansing." It is very hard, I know. But I am happy to hear that you are "cleansing." That is something positive!

I care about you and all in the "DB Family." I would like to dedicate a prayer for you tonight. I am so confident that you will make it thru this. You are stronger than you may realize.

Thank you for all your time, insight and golden advice. I will not reply to my WW's latest text until I have time to think about it and speak with my L.

Please keep your chin up, Vanilla, ok?

*hugs*

Bob