To me a trigger is anything that elicits an emotional reaction that I can't control in the immediate moment. In the case of my M, it's a song, a favorite TV show, a thought of a place where we had a date or an experience that is poignant to us, the smell of a perfume that is similar to my W's, or seeing the car that she drove. More obvious triggers are photos people asking me about her. When that reaction is "triggered" it starts a cascade of feelings that I have to take specific measures to counteract. Deep breaths, a walk, or some other way to break my state.
So far, I've fallen completely apart when I've watched a couple on TV where there is compassion between the two, or even worse, if the H has an issue and the W stands by his side. I bawled through American Sniper. BAWLED. Seeing the support that he got from his W was a trigger for me in a different way. It triggered me into acknowledging that there was something I wanted to get and couldn't get from my M.
In the case of addiction, I'd say triggers are any stimuli that makes me want to smoke or drink or fall into any other addictive behavior. It can be the simplest of things. I used to love to stay home and get high on rainy days. So the rain is a trigger for me, when it rains, I want to smoke more so than on sunny days. I used to love to drink beer all day and watch football, so seeing commercials for football season makes my mouth water. Triggers in this sense are reminders of the life I lived and the benefit that I got from it at the time, the pleasure and the lack of pain.
Also, being upset is a trigger or any emotion that I don't want to deal with. This time not for the action (the actual smoking) but the result, the soothing effect of it. The numbing. I've noticed that when I go a week without having any communication with my W and I start to feel the distance, that's when I need to find a way to soothe myself. That distance, or more accurately the sense of loss in me that it elicits, is a trigger.
It's often not what people think - like watching someone else smoke or drink. Those to me aren't the real triggers as they come with the knowledge of how obvious they are and therefor I'm braced for them. I was around people drinking and smoking everyday in Central America and never considered it. I knew it was going to happen and was ready for it. But the rain, the rain comes without warning and sneaks up on me, it's the subtle ones that I don't think of.
My real take on triggers is a bit more esoteric and involves an energy field. Addiction, relationship, and other human experiences involve a feeling field or energy field. When we reenter that field by hearing a song, seeing a photo, smelling a fragrance, we are pulled back into the totality of it. Hearing the U2 song for Bob brought him back into the same field where he had years of experiences with his W. It wasn't just the music but the feeling. I bet he could he hear, taste, smell, and touch aspects of his M just from the first three words of the song. To me that's an energy field and not just a memory bank. In this case the trigger is like an open door of the energy field.
American Sniper opened me up to a separate field. Not one that made me want to smoke or drink but the field of what I so desperately wanted out of my M as well as what I want now - loving support. There is a longing field IMO. Seeing someone get what I want on that level is a trigger, or doorway into an emotional lack of control for me, I literally can't stop myself from crying. I fall headfirst into that field and have to wait until it spits me out.
When we are strong, and full, the door doesn't seem appealing to us. Same as when we know we're going to see it. Go to a party where you know your going to see your W and you can brace for the door. Run into her in the supermarket turning a corner and you walk right into the door and fall into the energy all the way over your head.
Hopefully that all makes sense.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
