Life after D - 01 - going from dark to light

[gogofo]

No I never did respond. I have gone a dark as possible when it comes to communication with my XW. I will talk about stuff that pertains to the kids, and even then I am short with my words.

I feel that she wanted the D so I am not letting her have any access to me or my emotions or what is going on in my life. I also do not ask her anything about her life. I tried to cut all communication that is not kids related.

[gogofo]

Last night was my night with the boys again, which is always awesome. It also means that I get into work 2 hours later than usual so when I wake up I check my text messages to see if any of my employees have sent me messages about work or being sick, etc.

Well there was one message this morning and it was from the XW. She sent a message that said "awake?" at 1:30 in the morning. Not sure why she is sending me a picture from a happy time two years ago and now she sends a message in the middle of the night asking if I was awake. I know that she used to do wine night with her friend on Thursdays, maybe she was drinking and has been reminiscing and felt the need to reach out. Only she knows and I need to quit mind reading.

I am not going to respond or ask her about it. If she really needs to talk to me or wants to talk to me she can make the effort and become the pursuer.

Time to go back and refresh myself on the Wayward Wife threads. I honestly did not think she would reach out to me, but looking at it, it seems to be in the same time line as last year from when she moved out and then a couple months later started to initiate contact again.

[gogofo]

Wow, one month since my last update. Time has been flying by.

Work always picks up in the summer as does my play time. I have been trying to keep on working on myself and have been doing fairly well.

I do not communicate with the XW much, don't want to. I still have anger towards her and don't feel like conversing with her.

Had a couple difficult days in the last month. I had my oldest's b-day party. I took the boys camping, at their request, and had lots of fun. I got emotional at night and cried a little while I sat alone at the campfire. I was sad about the situation and that the kids could not have mom and dad together anymore. It was also hard to have a b-day without the family together. I feel like the boys are being cheated.

Then there was father's day and a combined b-day party where I invited friends and family over to celebrate both boys b-days; they were born a month apart.

I noticed I had slowed my GAL a little bit so I started keeping a "To Do" list that I have been consulting and that has helped.

Over the years I have wanted to exercise but never have gotten to make it a habit. I am trying again and have purchased some kettle bells and a mace. I have a friend who has been doing this stuff for 8 years or more and is helping me out and excited I am starting.

My grandma has spent a week in the hospital and is now in a nursing home. If she gets strength back, she can go home but that does not seem likely. My mother is a nurse and does not see her as doing well enough to come home. This has been a little rough to process since I am all cried out over the last year and a half, but I am sure it will hit me and sink in pretty soon.

Not sure if I should let XW know that grandma is sick or not. I know she really cared about her but my anger about the D makes me not want to tell her. I feel she has no right to know. She made her choice of wanting to be a part of my family, and this is what happens when you choose to get out. I may change my mind, who knows. If she asks I will tell her, but I will not offer her any information.

I still lurk on the site, but just as last year, in the summer I get busy. I also don't feel as attached/dependent to the website as I was before. I still feel the need to check in and help offer the little bit of advise I do have.

As far as the women/dating scene goes, nothing has really panned out. I am okay with this though. I felt a rush when talking with some girls and it was a little too strong. There was still a feeling of the need to be with someone, not the want. So I have backed off a little and am not focused on finding a girlfriend. I think this is the healthier move.

[gogofo]

I have been angry the last couple of days. I seem to get angry when it is the "first" of something as being divorced. This last Sunday was my youngest's birthday and I was not able to see him or be with him. This was very difficult to deal with and I kind of put it out of my mind. Yesterday I had a quick text exchange with the XW and it just made it all seem real again. I was mad last night at the whole D situation.

Now days it seems my emotions have been so beat down that it takes a couple days for them to hit me. I felt like crying last night but couldn't do it. I wanted to but I just couldn't get the emotions to come out.

Life has been going well for me. I am getting my new house further in order and my kids are happy and healthy.

I feel like I am missing love/woman in my life. I keep comparing how I am doing now with last year and last year at this time I was full of hope and excitement as the XW and I were working on the M (or so I thought).

Now I find myself missing the interaction with someone that cares for you and I also care about. I don't feel lonely, but I miss that connection. I also miss the physical intimacy. I don't know if this means that I haven't healed enough and I am dependent on a loving relationship or not.

My anger also comes with regret and wishing that the XW would come back around with whatever she is going through and decide to fix what was broken between us. I think I would take her back, with the correct attitude and work. I wish I didn't have these thoughts, I don't like thinking about her. It just reminds me of what I thought we could be and when we were good. Makes me angry and sad.

Back to working on me and my personal growth. I am having a down time right now that I need to get through. I know I can make it through it, just takes time.

[gogofo]

I spent the entire weekend, about 20 hours, building bunk beds for my boys. I made their beds out into full size beds and asked if they wanted bunks or two separate rooms, and they wanted bunks. Kind of cute that they like sharing a bedroom. This way they get a play room also.

I went overboard and built something that is too heavy to move once in place. I guess an engineering degree and design projects don't go well when left un-checked.

I still have some angry feelings towards the XW and the D. I have been having dreams with her in it where I am mad, or when I am telling her to take accountability for her actions. She has just crept back into my thoughts recently.

It was awesome seeing the kids and have them over the weekend, they can really cheer me up. I also realized that when they leave on Sundays I find myself running out of the house right after. The silence and emptiness breaks my heart, especially after my emotions are running high watching the kids leave.

I am figuring out what I want in my life right now, or what I think I am missing. I want someone I care about, and who cares about me, to participate in my life with me. I want to laugh and cry and love with someone. After a 10 year relationship having someone to do this with has now left me missing it. All of last week I wanted a hug from someone who cares about me. There are other things besides the D going on that have been fairly stress inducing and I just needed that special embrace you get from a partnership.

At the kid swap yesterday I did my usual non conversational exchange. I know it is mind reading, but there isn't some of the pleasant happy emotion I had noticed earlier in the D or the end of the M.

This morning she sent a text message asking if I wanted to go have lunch with her and the kids. I just responded, "thanks, I have plans." I do not know what the reason or invitation was about, and I am trying my hardest not to mind read.

Today I should be getting my suit and hopefully getting the pants altered for length before the weekend. One of my very good childhood friends is having a wedding/reception on Saturday and I am "officiating" it for them. They were legally married in December and are now going to have the celebration but they wanted to go through the motions for everyone, so I am standing with them and performing the ceremony.

[gogofo]

See new thread I started since there is a possible change in XW

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2588893&#Post2588893