Divorce Busting 6/19/15 Is your spouse half-way out the door? If so, it's important not to over-react to things he or she says and does. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that being reactive will only hurt your cause. A calm, reasoned response will confuse your spouse, and that's a good thing. Michele Weiner-Davis
Divorce Busting 6/22/15 If your spouse has had an affair and you still want your marriage to work, sometimes people you love will tell you to get out. "Once a cheater, always a cheater." But here are the facts. People can and do change all the time. Plus, when there is infidelity, most people actually decide to stay in their marriages. There is reason to be optimistic about moving beyond infidelity. You have to work at it, but you can create trust, emotional connection and passion once again. Michele Weiner-Davis (via Divorce Busting)
Research shows that the most important component of a successful therapy experience is the quality of the relationship between the therapist and client. If you are seeking therapy, make sure you feel that therapy is a collaborative experience, that you are respected as the expert in your own life, that your therapist "gets" you and your situation, and that you like him or her. If not, find someone else. Always trust your instincts. Michele Weiner-Davis
Hi Cadet, thank you SO much for starting this thread. What a great idea.
Bob
Edit - Yea I started this thread 2 and a half years ago and forgot about it, it seemed like a good idea to ressurect it so Michele can have some sort of presence on the forum. - Cadet
Last edited by Cadet; 06/24/1511:06 AM.
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
When my book, Divorce Busting was published, I was inundated by reporters wanting to know what I thought was the #1 cause of divorce in our country. That's a no-brainer. Couples aren't spending enough time together and the little time they have left, they are fighting. Everything- kids, jobs, friends, hobbies- takes precedence rather than sacred time together. -Michele Weiner-Davis- The Divorce Buster
Your spouse told you that he or she wants out. What you do next can have a profound impact on whether or not your marriage survives.
And unfortunately, doing what comes naturally can create a natural disaster- the ending of your marriage. That's because the most logical things to do when your spouse wants out is also the most ineffective and destructive.
In fact, if you continue doing these 3 things, you will inadvertently make matters worse. Want to know what they are?
1. Beg, plead and cry.
Although it's completely understandable how you would feel devastated by the news, when you beg, plead and cry, you push your spouse in the opposite direction.
All he or she wants to do is get away from you. Your spouse feels pressured, cornered and trapped. Plus, you appear to be desperate, which isn't very attractive. For all these reasons, you must stop this behavior.
2. Reason and debate.
Your spouse isn't making any sense. He or she has completely forgotten any good times you've had together. Your spouse is unhappy and you are to blame. Or so it seems.
It's tempting to try to reason or debate with your partner, but doing so will only force him or her to take a stronger stand to prove the point.
You might also want to send articles that capture what is happening in your marriage and offer new insight. Don't bother. It will only annoy your spouse. You have to stop persuading him or her to be more open-minded.
3. Make promises about the future.
Chances are, you want your spouse to know that you can change; you can truly make an effort to become the person your spouse has been wanting you to be.
Don't bother.
Right now your spouse isn't open to hearing what he or she thinks are empty promises. Plus, your spouse will feel manipulated, believing you would make changes to lure him or her back into the fold and slip back into your old ways as soon as that would happen.
Additionally, your spouse will get angry because he or she will be thinking, "Where were you when I needed you? This is too little, too late."
If any of this sounds familiar to you, it means that you have found yourself doing things that have backfired. That's completely understandable.
It's time to reverse the momentum. It's time to do the counter-intuitive things that bring you and your spouse closer. If you haven't already, you need to start today.
Warmly,
Michele ********************************************** We can help you figure out what to do to increase the chances your spouse will want to reconcile.
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Most of the coaches have been working with me for many, many years. They're the best at what they do. Everyone who works with them feels better right after the first call. The coaches love their work and their clients love them.
Your coach will help you come up with a plan to help you get through to your spouse and make things better for you and your marriage. Don't put it off, call today. You'll feel better right away. I mean it.
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When partners fight, they always tell one another- "YOU started it." But it's much more important to understand how fights end. In marriage, both people do something to signal that the ice is melting. It may not be blatant like an apology. It may just be mundane conversation when there had been silence. It may be a willingness to sit in the same room together. It may be an unexpected pot of coffee prepared in the morning. Look for these "truce triggers" in your own relationship. Identify how you make up, not what starts your fights. Then you can be more intentional about ending cold wars. And that's a good thing. Michele Weiner-Davis (via Divorce Busting)
"Diagnosing one's spouse as the source of the problem, a common antecedent to divorce, doesn't take into account the roles both partners play in the deterioration of the relationship. The habits spouses developed over the years go with them when they end the marriage. This may partly account for the saddening statistic that 60% of second marriages also end in divorce."- DIVORCE BUSTING Do you agree? Weigh in!
"No marriage is an island. Any change in the family system- the birth of a baby, the first child going to school, the last child leaving home, turning forty, an aging and sickly parent, the death of a loved one- challenges even the best of marriages." -DIVORCE BUSTING
