as_it_is - my adventure continues (part 2)

[asitis]

Hi All,

I got back from the retreat (you end up doing more work at these than at home, so they really aren't a retreat in the typical sense) last Saturday afternoon. W had painted the kitchen while I was gone (we had talked about it, and she let me know while I was away that she was doing it), and done some clean up on the back porch. It was a bit disorienting to be home. Anyway, light bulb went off that, while she has said this is for getting to house ready to sell next spring, that these have been things she wanted to do for a while (and yes, I kept offering on the painting, but she had put me off repeatedly, because I think she didn't want to work closely with me). She had also recently transplanted some hostas to a bed I had prepared. I've been in work mode all retreat, so I throw myself into working on the house since she and the kids weren't around.

We're on an acre, so that's lots of mowing. Did that. Did a ton of weeding, including the bed with the hostas, which was becoming overcome with weeds. Since we come in through the back porch mostly, I really worked on making the back yard entry look great. I also continued on the back porch project, getting the most visible section of it totally cleared out and cleaned. Then I got the house and apartment cleaned up.

W noticed and appreciated all the work. She had to come back over to do laundry and pack for the week at the apartment the next day, and we had time to talk a bit. She actually asked me how my time at the monastery was, and I got to ask about her vacation (which seems to have been a lot of stress, as her family was not all that helpful giving her breaks from the kids, and there were some difficult interactions). Listened, validated, empathized.

We arranged to work on putting the kitchen cabinet doors back on Wednesday. Worked well together in close proximity, casual chatting, relaxed. A little distracting when her thigh or breast was against my arm or hand (I was mostly holding the doors while she screwed the hinges onto the frames). Hard to say if it was intentional, but that she didn't pull away or tense was different.

I did more weeding those days, which she noticed.

It has been hard to work on the house beyond basics, in part because she has shown little interest and the need to give her space by not being around while she is there and having to take care of the kids when I'm there. Still, it is clear that this is an important way to change the dynamic. I talked about this with my coach, and she agreed with my assessment that this helped W start wanting to live in the house and picturing herself happy there with my as a partner in the project. Plus, gardening is one of our mutual interests. That she was now open to me being around to work on the house was a change that meant I could get to this. There were other mutual projects regarding the house that could be either for getting the house ready for sale or getting it the way we wanted it. These would allow for more casual conversation and interaction, team work, and as my coach has put it "everyone wants to be part of a winning team."

I had an extra day with the kids, so today was our exchange. I told her that I was planning to come over Friday and Saturday afternoon to continue working on the house, and she said that was great. I was picking up a book that I was reading (Thich Nhat Hahn's No Mud, No Lotus) to pack it while we were chatting. Told her it was a great book and a very quick read, and I really enjoyed it. She volunteered that she was reading Terrance Real's How Do I Get Through to You?. It was my copy, and I had suggested it to her last summer, as it is a great book on marriage and relationships. She had balked then. We talked about how good it was. I didn't show my surprise, but the fact that she was not only reading a relationship book, but one that I had recommended, and that she had volunteered it to me, is definitely a new twist. Don't want to read too much into that, but she hasn't wanted to read anything but fiction for 10 months or so, and definitely nothing on relationships. Doesn't change anything, as I still just need to sit back and wait for her to broach anything she wants.

So, we had W asking about me and my life. W spending time with me, seeming fairly relaxed. W volunteering that she read an R book she knew I read and liked.

I'll end the post there, and try to post on my adventures the last couple weeks in another post. I'll also try to get caught up on people's threads over the next couple days, now that I'm not getting my kid fix (I really missed those two guys & it was great to be with them again).

[PigPen]

Welcome back As!! Was just checking in on you when I caught your update.

Sounds like things are positive on your end with your W, can't wait to hear about your adventures in the monastery.

Enjoy your kids, we'll all be here posting when you get back. You know the normal tales about our lives of opulence; the wild parties with entertainment moguls, super models, and leaders of industry. No biggie.

Glad you're well, you've been missed.

PP

[asitis]

Thank PP.

The monastery was a great experience. I've done the weekend intensive "retreat" (called Sesshin in the Zen tradition), but never the summer or winter intensives (called Ango). There was a sesshin the middle weekend, although it wasn't as intense as usual, as we had a special ceremony for promotion of one of the priests, and I was part of the ceremony. That meant missing some of the normal sittings to reherse, and the ceremony itself.

Anyway, Ango is very different from sesshin. Sesshin gets you up at 4:30, and you meditate starting at 5. Except for a short work period after each meal and a slightly longer one on Saturday afternoon, you are doing sitting meditation or the walking meditation that breaks up the sitting. During the Ango, the emphasis is switched. We get up an hour later, and only sit 3 40 min. periods. We have a morning assembly where we go over a reading with the abbot and discuss it, and then there is morning work period in addition to the daily afternoon work period. Also, as there are many fewer of us, you usually have some kind of formal role to perform throughout the day. I ended up in charge of meals a couple of the days, which also made me head server during the oryoky (formal silent eating ritual). Both were quite a challenge.

A couple things happened during the two weeks. First, I really found that with just enough sitting to anchor the work practice, I just fell into working mindfully without thought or effort. While the work was often tiring, I really came to appreciate the depth of practice working mindfully. I also had been struggling a bit with my meditation every since going on vacation. I got out of the routine, was dealing with an overly busy mind, and finding it difficult to sit for more than 10-15 minutes at a time without getting antsy. When I got to the monastery, everything just settled down. I've always tended toward a busy mind and the 40 minute sitting periods can be quite tough for me to not really want to end. This time, for the most part, my mind calmed relatively easily, and most sitting periods were not the usual battles to hold out until the bell rings.

In general, I've noticed how I'm finally settling and able to keep a calm, mindful frame of mind. This has carried over so far during the week I've been home. As I'm still off work for the summer, I just brought my work practice home, attending to the projects that have been building. W has definitely taken notice and been appreciative.

The other development was toward the end of the Ango. I had my first erotic dream featuring my W in a long, long time. The next day, I just had this insight that I still really loved my W & that I had been building a wall to protect myself. I have not had much desire or warmth for my wife in past months, as she had not been giving me much reason. I'm still detached, but I am not as protected emotionally. I know that means I will also feel more pain if things get worse, but it feels right to not have that wall up. It was effecting my ability to be present with all my feelings with everyone important in my life.

The weird thing is that it actually gives me more patience, and the ability to have more compassion toward my wife and be more detached. Hard to explain, but that's the way it feels.

So, I'm in a very good place right now.

[Defacto]

This is incredible to read. It sounds like you are in a very good place right now. I'm pleased to hear that you had such an important couple of weeks.

[asitis]

So this afternoon I went over to the house to work on the yard. Really went to town on a couple of the beds that needed some weeding and TLC, as well as some mowing. W was out with the kids when I got there, but they came home while I was working.

After I was done, I came in to get some water. We touched base on my taking over with the kids. I mentioned that I got most of the way done with the front bed, and that I hoped to finish this week. I also said, I hadn't forgotten that there are still some things to do on the back porch, but I'm doing the outside work while the weather is nice. She said the back porch looks so much better, as if to say she is satisfied with that project. We chatted about how we tried to get too many new garden beds in at once and how they got away from us. She said, in the future "we" need to only put in one bed at a time and keep it weeded while the plants get established.

I didn't comment, but it is the first time in a while she referenced us together doing things on the house in the future. I didn't react at all to it, and I know that even while she was moving toward wanting an S, she would occasionally talk that way. Still, there has been no "we" when it comes to talking about future plans, and the plan was/is to put the house on the market next Spring. Hard for "us" to be putting in new garden beds if we are S or D and have sold the house. Could have just been a slip in speech, and it doesn't mean that there is a change afoot. Still, combined with her bringing up reading a book on marriage and relationships that I had recommended a long time ago, and our working in close proximity on the kitchen with body contact that would have triggered her boundaries not long ago, things are at least not escallating and may be opening up to reconsideration.

No matter what, the house is looking better, I am happier, and just keep keeping on.

[Vanilla]

Asitis

The retreat seems to have been very useful.

Can you tell me what it involved? Would you recommend this type of retreat.

V

[asitis]

The retreat makes sense if you've got a regular daily meditation practice and have done a shorter weekend retreat first to see how you handle it. I would never recommend someone just jumping into that intense a practice situation without creating some emotional space and peace through daily practice.

Most Buddhist traditions have some form of retreat intensive practice, mine just happens to be one of the Zen traditions. I'd been sitting a lot on my own & with a weekly sitting group before I did my first sesshin (a weekend retreat that is focused on lots and lots of seated meditation - Saturday totals 10 40 minute sitting periods with 5 10 minute walking meditation periods. There are formal oryoky meals, where you sit on your cushion too (if there are enough people to do it that way - some months we sit at a table for those). Plus a couple hour work period, and a meeting with the teacher, 3 services, and some chores after meals. It is physically exhausting and can be an emotional roller coaster (esp. that first one), as you are stuck just sitting there with nothing to do but face yourself and your issues.

Ango is a 2-3 month intensive practice period, but not as intense as the shorter sesshin. It grew out of the gathering of monks in the historical Buddha's time during monsoon season. During Ango, you set 2-3 40 minute sitting periods. You also have a group assembly to work on some reading together. Then there is a morning and evening work period. And, most people are assigned a role to do daily (like ring the bells, attend the abbot, take care of the alters, assist the head cook, serve meals). There is a bit of free time every day, and every day with a 4 or 9 in the date is a "personal" day, with a relaxed schedule to take care of your laundry, clean your rooms, oryoki bowls, etc.

Some centers will allow you to come for just part of an Ango (like mine did), but others are strict about only allowing people who are there the first day and will stay the whole period. Some centers charge a set fee, others (lke mine) work on a voluntary gift donation system. Some require that you have sat the shorter sesshin before can come to Ango, others do not.

My suggestion is to find a local Buddhist group and get your feet wet, decide if it is for you, and then explore the options for deepening your practice. For me, it has made my therapy sessions much more useful, and it has really allowed me to grow as a person, work on my big emotional triggers, and to really be able to settle down and look at life differently. It definitely is not a quick fix, as it took me over a year of almost daily work and at least 6 weekend retreats before I really can say I settled into the good place I am. I still get jolted and taken on the roller coaster, it is now more the kiddie coaster than the one with loop the loops made to scare the crap out of you.

Ask here, or pm me if you have questions or want to talk more about this.

[asitis]

So, not a whole lot to report.

Was taking the kids to dinner Sunday, and my coach recommended when I was doing something like this that I invite my wife along last minute (as long as I can truly not show disappointment if she declines). Texted her to invite her with the expectation she would. Her phone sometimes doesn't get good reception in the apartment (0-1 bars), so she didn't even get the text until the next morning. Still she thanked me for the invite. I figure it makes clear that I'm open to such things. Now I'll like low on it and see if she invites me at any point in the next couple weeks, and maybe try again.

My coach said this is not a form of pursuit btw - I asked.

She had the How Can I Get Through to You?book I mentioned earlier on the table by her rocking chair, so she is still reading it. I'm curious if she will want to discuss it, but I'll wait for her to initiate.

We have a lot of negotiating schedules coming up, as we both start back teaching in a couple weeks, I start back to my evening classes, and the kids start back to school or day care. I made a list of things that I saw as issues we'll need to discuss. I also got my student loan finalized for the semester and am working on the deferrment for a past loan that is at 3% interest (I'd rather pay the interest on this new loan @ almost 6%). That and having day care drop about $150 per month because of my student status will take some of the financial pressure off her/us. She hasn't brought up the mediator about disentangling our finances since the "exploited" meeting a month ago. Strange. I keep plugging away taking care of my end of things on that front.

It was my FiLs b-day Monday, and I had the kids. So I called and let the kids wish their grandpa happy birthday. My W reported that he was tickled when she came over to watch the kids for the evening - I had a movie discussion group I'm doing, and neither of us could find a babysitter. I made home made hummus and my new home made pita (she hadn't had that before), as well as fruit salad (cantelope, honeydew, and red grapes). She was supposed to eat before she came over, but I discovered at the last minute that she had finished off the garlic and hadn't told me, and her leftovers had gone bad, so I said if she brought garlic from the apartment, there would be plenty for her to join us, which she did.

Today was switch day. Before I left I floated a balloon about now that we have really straightened up the back porch, and since we come into the house that way almost always, I was wondering if we put our heads together and think about ways we could make that entrance more welcoming and less utilitarian. She was interested in doing so. Again, if we are just going to sell the house in the Spring, it isn't something to spend time on (potential buyers will come in the front - which I also have ideas on). She was tired & not all that friendly or chatty, but still, she bit on the back porch idea. Not going to make too much of it, but she keeps talking like she plans to be in the house longer than 9 months, yet she knows she can't maintain the house by herself and we can't continue to pay the extra $400 per month that the mortgage is over another apartment's rent now that we have to rent an apartment under the separation. Not sure if she just isn't thinking it through, or if she is starting to imagine some other scenario than moving forward toward D.

Still, it is noticeable different than the way she talked just a month ago.

Now, I'm back in the apartment & sans kids for a few days, so I'll try to catch up on some people's threads.

[PigPen]

Sounds like a good day As. Your working your sitch with a high level of slow, deliberate, DB glacial finesse that's inspiring. I like the porch idea and how you're showing your W both sides of the housing coin. On one hand, she can have a nicer house, on the other hand, she's going to be walking away from a nicer house!

Glad you're back and posting, it's good to hear your updates and how your managing yourself. Keep at it my friend, you're making progress.

PP

[asitis]

Thanks. It was a good day yesterday, although I still miss the warmth in her voice. It's been a bit hard to do GAL stuff lately, as August seems to be the pause before the storm of the end of summer. Not much to do, and I'm not doing a pottery class because I was away & to show good faith on the financial side, I agreed to forego that luxury for a while. I did cut out a bit quick yesterday, telling her I had to go because I had plans. I did, just not going out with people, but things I wanted to do in the apartment in my free time. GAL, but in but no social.

Another development w/ the W is that besides her reading a relationship book, she has started doing her art (painting/drawing). We brought the easel, cart for her art supplies, and her supplies (all of which I bought for her as a gift many Christmases & Birthdays ago) over to the apartment when we separated, but they've sat untouched since. Yesterday, when I got here, they were moved over into better light & she had two drawings (one done) that she'd done in the last week.

Sounds like she is coming out of something (depression?) lately. I have no idea what that will mean for our R, or whether my DBing has been part of the catalyst for that change. Still, it is good to see her doing things I know she loves and not just distracting herself.