A new thread - My W's OW, the Predator

[DifRent]

So, I found this email, in our fair game joint business account, well over a month ago. I never shared it with the group, but I'm sharing it now. This email was sent a mere four days after a camping trip that my W and I attended at the invitation of the OW, a trip during which I had absolutely no idea my W was as unhappy as it turned out she was, and during which she was very affectionate, loving, and kind towards me.

The bomb drop would come fewer than two weeks later, following a week during which my W clearly employed some of the tactics suggested herein.

I can't imagine the conversation that preceded this email, but it was this email that confirmed my assertion that the OW was a predator, even if my W independently voiced dissatisfaction with our relationship.

I would like to know what the group - especially any vets - think about this. Again, this isn't to dwell on the OW, but I think it confirms that from the moment this email was sent till right now, the OW has been driving the train. And the more context I can put things in, the better equipped I feel I will be to see my DBing through.

Thanks for any insight.
____________________________________________________________________

Some thoughts, my dearest E…

After our talk today, I believe your intention is to end your relationship with Dif after the boys leave. I'm not really sure, so if that isn’t true, let me know! I don’t want to be in a relationship with you if it isn’t. That is hard to say, BELIEVE ME, but is the right thing to do if you won’t be leaving Dif within 2-3 months. If I compromise my values, I won’t be someone worth your love or mine.


If it IS true that you intend to leave Dif, I would like to suggest you start changing your interactions with her as soon as possible so she begins to feel some distancing. It isn’t fair to her to go on talking about future plans together and act as if the two of you have a solid relationship if you don’t. That sets her up for a bigger fall – and I think will make you feel even worse. If my intention was to leave someone, but to wait for a better time before doing it, I would try to treat who I was leaving more like a very close friend instead of a partner. This could be especially hard because your lives are deeply intertwined and you two have some very comfortable habits only couples have.

As much as I want to see you as often as possible, I don’t think we should plan any more things after this week that involve all 3 of us. That feels wrong. When the 3 of us are together, there will always be an elephant in the room, one that Dif may feel but not understand. And if she does find out later we were “pretending” to just be friends, she will be deeply hurt and angry. I still want to see you as much as I can, but I also know that is difficult.

I dream about an incredible life with you, E! And if that is to be, I don’t want to do anything now we will regret. Yes, one could say we are already having an emotional affair. I can live with that without feeling bad about myself because I know I can’t change my feelings… but I CAN change my behavior. As excruciatingly difficult as it is, I don’t believe we should touch beyond holding hands until we are truly free to be in a relationship and celebrate that. I can wait 2-3 months for that day, E. And if it comes, I will be the happiest woman on earth and do everything in my power to make you happy too!

OW

[Matt777]

Blech.

Especially this part: "If I compromise my values, I won’t be someone worth your love or mine."

[DifRent]

Yeah, ain't that line something? If she even had values to compromise...

[RAI]

Dif,

I have a lot of letters in my archives like this, unfortunately. I know firsthand how painful they are to read. For a long time I had strong urges to read and reread them, but doing so only served to make me feel worse. Not the best way to detach.

I'm definitely no vet, but I would just put the letter away. Get back to working on yourself.

RAI

[WBM]

Wow. Just, wow. Your W is on the strings of a mad pupeteer (OW). I would like to see what the vets have to say, but to me, you are right about the OW driving the train throughout this. It's sad that she has diluted your W's thinking and has to control how your W interacts with you, even from the beginning.

[DifRent]

RAI... thanks for your empathy. I agree... this letter hasn't bothered me in a while. When I saw it though, it just confirmed my gut instincts. I thought a new thread here might be a good time to put it out to the group and get more input. I'm working on myself and praying for her. The OW is a miserable excuse for a human, imho...

WBM... my W is being completely driven by this woman, you're right. I am absolutely certain that any interaction we have that's negative is something the OW has orchestrated. It's the conflicting actions, the regret and remorse, the occasional glimpses of connection that emerge from my actual W, that give me hope that all is not lost.

And all that is why I'm not giving up...

[Ggrass]

Well, it's tough to read but it's similar to what I suspect has happened to Most of us who have had partners in a.

In my case xh2 refused point blank to end the a, and I decided if he could be stolen and coached by the nasty ow, he's just not a worthy h.

My plan was work in me, date me (as someone else coined) and see what else happens and Lo and behold things changed and other things have happened. It's nearly a couple of years since his a started and she's been the gf for over a year. It's unlikely he was coming back.

[Vanilla]

Dif

I only see an OW in lurve.......

Infatuation my friend with your WW.

Your WW could have fed this IDK and it is very hard as you saw this OW as a friend. An absolute double betrayal.

They have not hidden it at all, it's in plain view. Old Dog bless him has this with his WW who put lust notes where he could find them. In the end his anger moved him onwards, He hasn't posted in a while and I hope he is healing a little.

Still OW is a nasty little worm to act this way to the W of a friend. What a charmer.

WW has truly A down.

Stay strong for your sanity

V

[DifRent]

V, I didn't consider the OW a friend, so I don't see it as a betrayal on her part. Just a cold, calculated, even sociopathic move. My W and I had literally only met her a few weeks prior to that camping trip. She was very busy trying to become friends with us both, though - came to dinner, invited us camping and for a movie night, really inserted herself uncomfortably into our lives like a third wheel until she found the moment to pounce. I have some friends who suggest she could have pounced on either one of us, but there was more vulnerability and opportunity with my W.

I have even suggested this theory to my W (against Wonka's good advice, of course). But suggesting it, combined with the suggestion that this woman has a past of which my W ought to beware (because if she's done this, what else has she done?) has planted a seed and, at least last week, got my W thinking and questioning - she's asked me a few times what I know that she doesn't. I just won't answer.

And yes, this affair is so out in the open, at least to me. She doesn't come home at all most nights now. Haven't seen my W since Friday afternoon - she's been with the OW all weekend and hosting open houses. I pray they've been having the kind of quality time together that begins to wear on an affair.

Got GAL plans today - brunch with friends, a mid-afternoon meetup, Mass tonight out of town followed a brewery visit. Looking forward to a pleasant day.

[Painter]

That seems like a very short time from their initial meeting to deciding to leave... Is this an exit A? Or is your WW very easily influenced in general?

The e-mail can absolutely be seen as controlling and manipulative. Coaching her on how to distance herself from you is very overbearing.

I have only seen one text from OW to H - it ended 'try not to rage tonight'. I have later realized how manipulative that was, as she knew I thought H was angry at me all the time (he was, out of guilt), but that day he was just coming back from a trip and we had no conflict. She was simply reminding him to be angry at me, but camouflaging it as care.