A new thread - My W's OW, the Predator

[HeavyD]

Hope the new job is just the ticket for you! I am happy for you!!
Do you like it??

Stay strong.

Heavy

[DifRent]

Thanks Pigpen. I'm trying... healing seems to really be a struggle.

Jury is out on the job, Heavy. This isn't going to be my lifelong job. It's just going to fill my time and pay the bills. I wish I had passion for something again. I may have been unlucky in love for stretches or unlucky with my job at times. But never has everything come together in such a negative way. Right now, I'm just feeling defeated.

But thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

[Huddy]

Diff

At least you know you can still be attractive to another. That's a positive worth keeping in mind, you don't have to act on it.

[CaliGuy]

Dif

Google 'Affair down'

I am guessing with guilt and the fact the honeymoon phase can not and will not last, certain things with OW are bubbling to the surface. So in her gut she is wondering .. 'ok .. what is it with OW that felt oh so wonderful and now has started to fade?' (hence the 'break' she needed not long ago ... plus the seeds you planted) and she is looking to you for that 'ah ha' moment .... but DO NOT give her that .. that needs to happen with her, only she can arrive to the final "OW is not who I thought, nor who I truly want" .... hopefully then, you have created the best option after doing all this work you have done at DB-University.

It is now, its time for you to distance yourself a bit and take things for what they are. W needs time to figure it all out, and you need time to continue to work on yourself and you can not do that being all up in her head, or her in yours. Read enough here and the WAS has to FEEL they are going to lose the LBS at some point .... if you are always there and available ... standing outside the porch always waiting for her .... where is the reason for her to stop and think .... she is being allowed to continue as she desires with no consequences .. this is the important lesson, consequences are what keeps us from running out into the street, why we get a DD after drinking, they are rules we live by .. some of which we do because of our moral compass, but when that breaks ... then what? CONSEQUENCES help balance that out. To much cake makes one fat n happy. I am not saying slam the door in her face, you can have that door cracked open with a light on ... but inside the house you should be going about your life doing your thing and being happy ... not sitting on the couch awaiting her arrival like a puppy.

[DifRent]

Cali, you always know what to say to help me adjust my perspective on things. I never had heard the term "affair down..." actually, maybe I have seen it here but didn't know what it meant. It really is true, though, huh?

Here's a little more detail from yesterday and this morning:

Last night, I came back from work and she was in "our" bedroom, packing clothes. She greeted me somewhat coldly. I cleaned up and went to head back out the door to meet this young woman for dinner. (Wound up being dinner, not just drinks! But also, I'd say, not a date.) She quickly asked, "Where are you going?" "I have plans," was all I said. Not that it should have mattered - she was heading out to show houses herself at the same time I was having dinner.

"When we come back, we talk?" she asked.

We did have plans to discuss some things last night once we both returned, things that needed to be discussed about upcoming living arrangements and securing transportation for my younger son. What the conversation really turned into, though, was a fishing expedition on her part - the now familiar "what do you know about OW" conversation. All I said was that it didn't matter what I knew or didn't know, if she were to hear anything directly from me, no good could come of it.

Then she started yelling: "OW couldn't sleep at all last night, she was pacing and racking her brain, trying to figure out what awful thing she could possibly have done that you know about!"

(I found this assertion strange: if my conscience were clear about my behavior, I certainly wouldn't let doubts about my behavior keep me up at night.)

"She even said, 'you know what, I'm going to confront Dif directly about this!'"

To which I simply could not resist responding - "OH NO, NOT HERE SHE WON'T! BUT IF SHE WANTS TO CONFRONT ME SOMEWHERE ELSE, TELL HER TO BRING IT ON! THOUGH IT DOESN'T MATTER - SHE NEVER WILL. SHE'S A COWARD."

Clearly, this just kept the heat on. Good job with the DBing, Dif.

Because then came all this familiar pap: "Have you ever considered that I might actually I love her? No one has ever made me feel this way. It's getting very serious between us, you have no idea. You are just being unreasonable about our breakup. You're just trying to make me leave her and come back to you. We are over, done, relationships don't work out all the time. You just need to accept this. I don't love you anymore."

I really wasn't engaging her much, except when she made a disparaging remark about how I'm praying for her. And when she told me to stop calling her terms of endearment like "babe" and "hon." I said I will always pray for her, and those terms are so natural, I can't help using them.

We went to bed angry - it was interesting that she went to bed upstairs.

This morning before work, I asked if we could talk again because I didn't want the bitterness of last night to linger. I told her that I was sorry for any harsh words, but that I find completely disrespectful her downplaying the significance of this event - this divorce, not a "breakup." She started to get mad at me again, but after conveying that only the most hardened heart would not be utterly devastated by what she's done, she seemed to back down and retreat. Her tone really did soften in response to a separation concession I requested. I sensed guilt. She suggested that later we take a ride in her "new" car. I ignored the suggestion.

And just now, she's up in her office, I'm downstairs. When I came in the door, she said, "Hon, is that you?" "You're done with work, hon?" "How was work today, hon?" All those terms of endearment that I'm supposed to stop using, her working overtime to not be so cold instead of working overtime to not be so warm, lest I "misinterpret her kindness as a sign of wanting to get back together."

I have my divorce support group tonight, grateful for that. And I think both my boys are off work - might ask if they want to grab an early dinner somewhere. Cali, I think the OW's daughter is in town, so odds are good my W will be sleeping here at home this week, and be around more often than she's been. A challenge and an opportunity, I guess. But on Sunday, I'm leaving here to spend a week with my friend in the next town over while her husband is away. I need the space, and WW needs to feel the absence.

And I know, I know... I need to focus on me. Prayers for her, actions for me.

[Fogg]

To which I simply could not resist responding - "OH NO, NOT HERE SHE WON'T! BUT IF SHE WANTS TO CONFRONT ME SOMEWHERE ELSE, TELL HER TO BRING IT ON! THOUGH IT DOESN'T MATTER - SHE NEVER WILL. SHE'S A COWARD."

This made me laugh, so fierce!

Not likely to be the best DB option, however. Next time might be better to brush it off like its unimportant to you. OW isn't worth taking up space in your thoughts and emotions. By getting fired up you show W your in a place to be competing with OW, when you're not. You're on so much of a higher level OW cant even breath the same air as you.

[CaliGuy]

Interesting exchange Dif ...

We did have plans to discuss some things last night once we both returned, things that needed to be discussed about upcoming living arrangements and securing transportation for my younger son. What the conversation really turned into, though, was a fishing expedition on her part - the now familiar "what do you know about OW" conversation. All I said was that it didn't matter what I knew or didn't know, if she were to hear anything directly from me, no good could come of it.

Then she started yelling: "OW couldn't sleep at all last night, she was pacing and racking her brain, trying to figure out what awful thing she could possibly have done that you know about!"

Poor OW, so concerned what the W of the family she destroyed might think about her, this is unfortunate. I recall in the heat of my W's A she had a similar tone, telling me OM was a "Good and decent man" my replay (By God's grace I always have been quick) was "Oh I am certain he is of the highest caliber chasing after a married woman while he himself is married ... but I am sure you will be different and he will be loyal to you, none of those girls he trains could possibly interest a man of his high caliber"

Dif ... Truth dart her on her chit ... seriously.

(I found this assertion strange: if my conscience were clear about my behavior, I certainly wouldn't let doubts about my behavior keep me up at night.)

"She even said, 'you know what, I'm going to confront Dif directly about this!'"

To which I simply could not resist responding - "OH NO, NOT HERE SHE WON'T! BUT IF SHE WANTS TO CONFRONT ME SOMEWHERE ELSE, TELL HER TO BRING IT ON! THOUGH IT DOESN'T MATTER - SHE NEVER WILL. SHE'S A COWARD."
"I have nothing to say to OW, she and her actions are beneath me."

Clearly, this just kept the heat on. Good job with the DBing, Dif.

Heat of the moment stuff ... pffft we all have been there, I had the epic melt down I refer to as 'Halloween-Backslide 2014' When I called her out on her A in between S's trick-or-treats. Don't even worry about it .. you lose your temper now n then when your W cheats .. you get a hall pass here.

Because then came all this familiar pap: "Have you ever considered that I might actually I love her? No one has ever made me feel this way. It's getting very serious between us, you have no idea. You are just being unreasonable about our breakup. You're just trying to make me leave her and come back to you. We are over, done, relationships don't work out all the time. You just need to accept this. I don't love you anymore."

Another chance here for a dart Dif, especially if she goes to this often .. something along the lines of "I am sure you are completely happy with her, you are right I have no idea how serious it must be. I do know this. I deserve better than this, after everything you and I have been through for it to happen this way, you having an affair, for you to disrespect me, our family and or M, yes ... I am certain I deserve better." Drop that and walk.

Start showing strength and taking a stance on right and wrong and calling that affair out for what it is.

This morning before work, I asked if we could talk again because I didn't want the bitterness of last night to linger. I told her that I was sorry for any harsh words, but that I find completely disrespectful her downplaying the significance of this event - this divorce, not a "breakup." She started to get mad at me again, but after conveying that only the most hardened heart would not be utterly devastated by what she's done, she seemed to back down and retreat. Her tone really did soften in response to a separation concession I requested. I sensed guilt. She suggested that later we take a ride in her "new" car. I ignored the suggestion.

And just now, she's up in her office, I'm downstairs. When I came in the door, she said, "Hon, is that you?" "You're done with work, hon?" "How was work today, hon?" All those terms of endearment that I'm supposed to stop using, her working overtime to not be so cold instead of working overtime to not be so warm, lest I "misinterpret her kindness as a sign of wanting to get back together."

I have my divorce support group tonight, grateful for that. And I think both my boys are off work - might ask if they want to grab an early dinner somewhere. Cali, I think the OW's daughter is in town, so odds are good my W will be sleeping here at home this week, and be around more often than she's been. A challenge and an opportunity, I guess. But on Sunday, I'm leaving here to spend a week with my friend in the next town over while her husband is away. I need the space, and WW needs to feel the absence.

And I know, I know... I need to focus on me. Prayers for her, actions for me.

So she feels guilt and up's the nicey nice approach knowing thats your button, how to get you off her back.

Dif .. again .. yeah detach, toss your truth darts and just let em stick. You are doing what you know is right in her heart ... even she is questioning it though would NEVER tell you right now because that would be admitting this whole A was a mistake.

Truth is no M can compete with the A, once the honeymoon phase is over and your W smells that OW does in fact not wake up perfect of with breathe that smells of elderberries ... then all the smoke and mirrors start showing true colors ... you just have to allow those seeds and the A to run its course .. stay out of the way it will die off without your help... more importantly it needs to

[V2pt0]

Dif, just read the letter from the predator. Yikes!! I am sure it is common that the OP is advised on how to deal with LBS. I can tell it in some of what my H says. It just does quite sound lthe way he would say it.

So, why would she give her your joint email account. She was obviously not going to try and hide it.

Definitely sounds like an affair down IMHO!!

[Fogg]

Truth darts, I need more of these in my life. Stealing some of these to use on a rainy day, good chit.

[DifRent]

"I recall in the heat of my W's A she had a similar tone, telling me OM was a "'Good and decent man'"

Cali, they very much care about being perceived as "good and decent," don't they? The night two weeks after BD when I called the OW from my W's phone (ummm... I had a bit of liquid courage and we had a huge fight that led to my faux pas), the OW just listened to me rage and kept saying in this meek little voice over and over, "I'm not a bad person. I'm not a bad person. I'm not a bad person."

Me thinks she doth protest too much...