A new thread - My W's OW, the Predator

[HeavyD]

Jeez - that is the worst. I am sorry to read that Diff.

It does sound like your W is not being kind at all. That must really sting. Good for you about your email about your S20's birthday.

Stay strong Diff

[DifRent]

Heavy, I don't think she's being deliberately unkind. It isn't making sense. I really believe her head is so messed up right now that she's not thinking clearly.

About a month ago, while the boys were still living here, she came home (very late) one night, and manually bolted the front door before S20 got home from work. He had to ring the doorbell at nearly 1am in order for someone (me) to let him in. It was an innocent mistake... we don't have room for all the cars in our driveway, so he has to park elsewhere in the community, and she just didn't know he wasn't home.

But I sent her an email with housekeeping matters, among which was the request that she not bolt the door at night until she is sure that everyone is here. A few days later, she got home earlier and we were both doing things in the kitchen. At some point she bolted the door. I noticed and said, "Hey, I mentioned this the other day: PLEASE do not bolt the door till you know everyone is home... S20 is still at work." She said, "I'm sorry, I forgot." We both continue to putter around, she heads off to bed, and before I go to bed, I catch sight of the door - and she had bolted it AGAIN.

Now there would be no reason for her to be doing this... she's not spiteful, and why would she lock him out? She just really isn't thinking these days. As for the books, this is thoughtless for sure - but I don't think she's doing this sort of thing to hurt me. She's just completely self-absorbed.

[Fogg]

It might not be intentional, but you never know. Sometimes I think they are just in such a constant state of being consumed with themselves and OW that they don't have the mental space to think about anything/anyone else. Like us LBS in the beginning, all we could think about was the WW, I believe its similar with them and OW. My W doesn't even have the patience for the kids much anymore even thought they were her life before, she still tries to make an effort to spend time with them but its a drop in the bucked compared to before BD.

[Wonka]

[CaliGuy]

Dif

I completely get your frustration ... we all get there. You have 2 options with it ... actually you have one, the other is beneath you. Use this to propel yourself to the next level, use is as I did to detach more. Your W is in LaLa land and doing her own thing obviously .... that email she sent with the line about wanting to be clear 'its not a happy family' ... well no Chit, no truth dart required there. Like you .. I would have been pissed and did the 'thanks but no thanks' on the pizza and gone about the Bday party that she honestly appears to have little interest for. HER CHOICE ... detach and distance yourself .. she continues to hurt you as you allow .... I read some time ago that when a human suffers, they must get to a point where they actually Change to not suffer any longer ... use this lesson to do that Dif.

[DifRent]

Ok... I really think the true detachment counsel won't be able to be applied to its fullest extent until she moves out about a month from now... the problem is she is here, just enough, to make things crazy...

I came home from work and saw her car in the driveway... and I kept on driving. I knew she had picked my mom up from the airport this afternoon, an airport that is 5 minutes down the road, and my mom left her car at a neighbor's house... and I couldn't get her because of work, so my W did.

My mom is also my W's godmother... when my W was baptized at Easter this year. So my saintly mother took the opportunity to suggest they get some coffee and talk. According to my mom, they discussed the following:

Mom: We talked about her job and she told me things were improving....told her she seemed a little more relaxed.... Then I told her how worried I have been, cuz I know what stress can do...then told her about my "episode' (Mom had a stress related episode at work that led her to the hospital years ago). and that I did not want to bury another young member of the family. (referring to my brother who died 24 years ago at the age of 19 - and, clearly, referring to you as another "young" member of the family... you are loved...)
Mom: "Then I told her about my retreat and how I go every year... I told her that I thought she would really enjoy an Ignatius Retreat....very organized...would ba a great retreat for all new Catholics cause you come away with a plan for life.."

W said, " I really need to do that."

I asked... "did she say that? oh... I really wish she would actually do that..."

Mom said, "You bet I am going to follow up on it and find all the scheduled ones for the next year! I told her you would probably like it too. Then we laughed about being silent for three or four days."

I said, "Please do. I'd go with her, if she'd let me. AND be quiet. lol I'm telling you... if you only heard the things she's been saying to me. the 'bad influence' goes to the church of cheap grace, if I had to give it a name. she's very, very confused right now."

My mom said, "Since real estate is dead in Nov. and Dec., which she stated....I pray I can find one close enough then. Let's just keep praying....Mother Teresa will make it happen."

My W asked about my baby brother, who is in grad school. Mom said he'd be home in August and absolutely EXPECTED her to be at the family celebration. My W also asked my mom why she went to Montana at all... Mom told her about her friend's breast cancer... "and that God sent me to see her. I know that got to her...I could see her swallow HARD."

See, my W has YET to begin to deal with her own mother's death, eight years ago.

From cancer.

My mom skyped this: "Honestly Dif, I had no idea what we would talk about...I just asked The Holy Spirit to put the words in my mouth." Seems like He did...

So, I saw her this afternoon. She agreed to get groceries for the house, engaged in other innocuous but pleasant niceties.

As she was getting ready to leave, she said, "I won't be home tonight, okay babe?"

(This kills me every time. W(hy)TF ask me if it's okay????)

But then she added, "Oh, I don't know, Maybe I will. There's a birthday party tonight, that's what's going on."

And she sounded... AGITATED.

I think the OW is completely booking her life, and she is beginning to show signs of wear. Subtle signs she'd never admit. But still...

She's remembering how sweet it was to sit in our lovely living room with a bottle of wine and a silly movie for just a couple of hours, and fall asleep in each other's arms on the sofa before 10pm. She is remembering how if I made plans for her, they were simple, and maybe a couple of times a month. Not every waking moment.

At least, this is what it looks like. Or maybe just what I'm hoping for.

"All lies and jest, still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest..." lie, lie, lie,lie...

[DifRent]

So, I think things between my W and me are moving into a new phase - colder, and more distant. I'm feeling it from her in a new way, guessing that on the heels of the "what do you know about the OW that I don't know" debacle on Monday, the OW has told her she needs to avoid me and move toward minimal contact. I'd texted her probably ten times this past week - only about housekeeping details, not in any way related to our R. Typically, she'd always text back some kind of response, but she hasn't been texting me back at all.

She came by just a little bit ago to bring back some camping chairs I needed. "I brought the chairs, okay? See you." And out she went. First time she's ever been that kind of abrupt.

I have to keep reminding myself this is a long game, and I better get used to the distance for a while. This upcoming week will be a good start; I'm going to a friend's house the next town over and staying with her for a week to help with her daughter while her husband is out of town. I think I'll take the opportunity to make it a no contact week - if she's pulling back, I need to pull back more, right?

My W will probably come by the house and possibly notice I'm not staying here, but then again, maybe she won't. And maybe by now, she doesn't care.

My no contact week will coincide with a flurry of busy-ness for my W... on Wednesday, the OW closes on the homes she's bought and sold. W will be with her getting the new home ready and helping her move in. The next week, my W closes on her sketchy apartment, in which they'll be working on a bunch of renovations - between that and decluttering/moving things out of this house, she is going to be very busy and very focused on all these "house" matters - stuff she loves, and all of it very much intertwined with her relationship with the OW. Even if things are inevitably headed for disaster between the two of them, it's going to take a while. They are very excited about all this activity right now. I'm going to have to put my thoughts and energy elsewhere.

I'm still struggling with it, though. Sitting here this morning, I'm thinking about how much I miss our formerly easy companionship. For her to just breeze through and barely acknowledge me - I know I need to get out of her head, but I can't help wonder what's going on in there. How did I go from being the love of her life, the one she could hardly stand to be parted from, to a stranger she barely talks to?

It will be hard not to get a little sign here and there that she's conflicted and confused, because those have been the things that have kept me encouraged and moving forward - and, they've given me a false sense of control, in a way. It's scary to move into this next phase, to be so disconnected, and to give her to God.

To be honest, it feels like I'm giving up.

[Zues126]

Different...see my posts on 4mykids last thread (pages 10/11).

I haven't posted on your thread because as I mention to her, the first 3 months are crazy making. We can tell you to detach, to get off her roller coaster ride, but that's very hard to do this early.

But it HAS to be done. Seriously. 90% of what you talk about is WAW or OW. 90% of how you measure progress is on how your WAW is treating you. You obsess over her every move, trying to figure out if she's coming out of a fog or not.

Time to realize YOU are in as deep of a fog as WAW. You are in a fog of dependence, neediness, putting your wellbeing in the hands of someone that you clearly shouldn't, and spending great deals of personal attention and energy on things you absolutely have no control over.

How can you expect WAW to let go of OW because she's destructive...when YOU can't let go of WAW for the same reasons?

You don't need to wait until she moves out either, that's just giving away your power and putting yourself in a jail.

Your last sentence: "It feels like I'm giving up". It SHOULD. You ARE giving up. Giving up on trying to control others and force the world around you to change.

Again, everyone goes through this the first 3 months. Maybe you're still not ready to let go yet. You need to bottom out maybe. The same way WAW would need to hit a rock bottom to let go of OW, maybe you need to bottom out to let go of WAW. My rock bottom was very clear...I spent three months going through all of this as well, only to discover some things that showed I was operating in an entirely different universe than WAW was and I realized I was being a total chump for thinking differently. Since then it's gotten easier.

After you make this shift you should be spending most of your time working on yourself, 180s, GAL, and building a new life for yourself, maybe attending to some personal issues that have made you this dependent. From this moment forward what WAW does is irrelevant. We get it. She's picked a destructive road that is away from you, you are hurt, betrayed, and lonely. Now deal with it, don't keep orbiting around her every action. That is the direction you need to take. And you can do it.

[DifRent]

Thanks for taking the time to post, Zues. And you're exactly right... I haven't "bottomed out" yet. I see this, I know this, I know I'm putting my attention and focus where it shouldn't be. The pit in my gut is still too large. I'm still in disbelief. It's still not been three months. I use this forum to brain dumb, journal, process... and hope that in time, more of the posts will be about my own progress, and not so much about what's going on with her.

In fact, the way she's begun to distance herself, there might not be much to post in that department for a while, anyway.

I think what I'm hoping is that this upcoming week away from the house, and with a self-imposed moratorium on talking about her, with anyone (and I probably will avoid this board for the next week to aid with my detachment), will help me shift my focus to the future, and what I need to do for myself.

Which is a hell of a lot.

[Zues126]

I think it's normal, necessary, and just fine to go through the process you need to go through. Whether that includes some fixation on WAS, or to feel like you're stuck in a rut sometimes.

It's just nice to have a map. You know you'll go through this for a while, then you'll bottom out for a bit, then you'll start letting go of WAS, your feelings will turn more towards resentment and anger for what she's done as you feel 'free' of her, and eventually you'll be tired of it overpowering your life and you'll start to feel done with letting it dictate much of your head space at all.

The benefit of a map isn't that you can hurry up the progress. You can't. There are no shortcuts with growth and grieving. The benefit of a map is that you don't let any of these stages define you, lead you to make lifelong decisions out of emotion, or that you don't let them divert you from your long term objective: To be the best you possible, to lead from character, to stand for your M while it makes sense to do so, and to be strong enough to stand for you if there comes a time when it doesn't.

So don't mistake my post for chiding you for having emotions. Just make sure you have a mission statement somewhere with those overall goals etched in, and spend some time reflecting or meditating on it so you stay grounded through the turmoil. Like a mountain, storms can rage all around but you will be still and solid through it all, unmoved by the crashing waves and lightning.