Zues, this is excellent counsel. I think part of what's fueling my depression and obsession is that we were building a life and a business together, and I let my identity become very much bound up in what "we" were doing and becoming. It's not just the relationship I'm losing. I'm losing my house - also something many on this board can relate to. But also the work thing... suddenly, everything I worked on, personally and professionally, has come crashing down. I'm struggling now to figure out that piece - who am I? what am I going to become? - as well as everything else. Now, if and when I do that, it will be a testament to personal resilience and strength. But for now? I just see shattered pieces of my life everywhere, with no end in sight soon.
You know, I lost my brother when he was 19 in a car crash, and I wrote a very well received book about it. I know about loss, grieving, the stages and all those things. I came through that, and I'll come through this. But right now, I'm IN it. And it [censored].
Good news is, I'm with my saintly mom tonight, enjoying some wine and salad on the porch. It's a haven of peace here, and I will make the most of it. Thanks again, Zues.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Thanks for your support, Heavy. You know I'm rooting for you, too.
At my mom's this morning, enjoying peaceful coffee on the back porch. Had the chance last night to tell her everything that's going on, and I can see her heart is broken... for my pain, and for my W, who is her goddaughter. She said, and I think this is true, that if W and I get some space and distance from each other, then my mom will be able to take up a more proactive role as her godmother - encouraging her in her faith, without my involvement at all. W respects my mom greatly, and perhaps this, combined with all our prayers, will help eventually soften her heart and lead her back to her faith. My saintly mother is insistent that God won't fail her, and she'll come back. True or not, it's nice to hear.
In any case, unless some crazy new development pops up this week, I'm taking a break from my W (seeing her, talking to her, thinking about her even - except in my prayers) and from this board. Kind of a "cold turkey" sort of detachment process as I spend this week at my friend's house. It's true that too much of my energy has been going toward trying to figure her out, looking for signs of hope, etc. But as Cali has put it, I've planted good seeds, and now, I just need to step back and let them grow, while focusing on myself and where I'm headed in my own life. I hope to come back here with a better perspective, a strong PMA, and a workable plan - and so that I can also be a better support to everyone else here.
Have a good week folks... you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I wish you well and we'll hear from you when you return.
*Hugs*
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
One more post... guess what. Got back to the house, and I saw EVEN MORE of my things in the trash! I did what I had threatened to do earlier in the week, which was spill the contents of both the trash and recycling bins in the garage - and good thing I did, because even more of my things were buried.
So I called her, AGAIN, not in anger - but to let her know that she might want to come home before the trash runs on Tuesday, because I am not cleaning up the mess, and she'll want to be sure that trash goes out. And it's really strange: at first she tries to defend herself, has a sharp tone to her voice ("You're just making a big thing out of nothing so you can call me..." "actually, no... I was planning on doing my best not to talk to you at all this week... but then, THIS!"), and then... after I make it clear this is disappointing and disrespectful, her tone softens into something that I remember as genuine remorse. I don't know what that's all about, but I wished her a good week, hung up, and headed out to my friend's for the week.
Okay, going now. Wishing you all a GREAT week!
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
What's up with W throwing out YOUR stuff in the trash??!! This is the THIRD time she's done this in a such short amount of time.
Maybe you might want to set up two secret cameras: one by the trash area and one in the common area. That way you can see what exactly W is doing in rifling through your stuff and tossing them aside.
WTF is going on here?
P.S. You might want put up neon pink post-it notes on your stuff with a Sharpie saying "DO NOT THROW IN TRASH!" She might get the message to leave your stuff alone.
Wonka, I wish I knew what was going on. But I really don't think she's doing this on purpose. It makes no sense. She's been and done a lot of things since May, much of it thoughtless and selfish, but none of it vindictive. If this is some kind of passive-aggressive or unconscious sort of hostility, it still doesn't make sense. I'm really baffled by it... which is why I actually wasn't angry, but certainly disappointed and hurt.
I think by leaving all the trash strewn about the garage floor and requiring her to do even more work in cleaning it up before moving out, she should get the message. It will be another week before the trash is taken up again, so she knows I will keep checking, and will likely assume I won't hesitate to dump the trash again if I find more thoughtlessness in there. I will not be there this week, so it's not at all my monkey or my circus.
Off to bed, and REALLY off the boards for now! Thanks, friends.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Okay... I'm back... but it's because I am hoping for some guidance from the group...
I've been away from the house since Sunday afternoon, when the above incident happened. As I hung up I said, "Have a good week," insinuating there'd be no more contact this week.
Apparently, my W stayed at the house last night instead of with the OW. She called my cell while I was at work about four hours ago and left the following message:
"Hi, it's me.. I'm just calling to check in, see how you're doing, how your new job is going. I didn't see you last night at the house, so I'm wondering if everything is alright. Give me a call, thanks, bye."
So... what's up with that, do you think?
I do not want to give her a call. But it's not like me not to respond somehow. What's the best DB action? Should I text? And text what? I'm thinking, "Thanks for checking, all is well. Hope you're having a good week."
Thanks for any input... I am posting and asking and then going back to not thinking about her again until I check later for hopefully some responses. It's been good for me to do that. I'm definitely feeling a deeper level of sadness with no contact, but I think it's a sadness I need to go through and emerge stronger on the other side...
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I do not want to give her a call. But it's not like me not to respond somehow. What's the best DB action? Should I text? And text what? I'm thinking, "Thanks for checking, all is well. Hope you're having a good week."
I think you nailed it Dif. Do what your gut says. It's polite, answers her question and doesn't give her anything else to work with.
I say go with it. That being said, check and see what some of the pros tell you.
Big hug,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Apparently, my W stayed at the house last night instead of with the OW. She called my cell while I was at work about four hours ago and left the following message:
"Hi, it's me.. I'm just calling to check in, see how you're doing, how your new job is going. I didn't see you last night at the house, so I'm wondering if everything is alright. Give me a call, thanks, bye."
So... what's up with that, do you think? TEMP CHECKING
I do not want to give her a call. But it's not like me not to respond somehow. What's the best DB action? Should I text? And text what? I'm thinking, "Thanks for checking, all is well. Hope you're having a good week." PURRFECTO!
