Newcomer's sad story

[ILYNOT]

Yes I agree the help here is by far better than regular counseling, where you just speak your mind but they cannot give you direction.

Sorry you are here, we all are. But these changes will make you in to a much better person, only a fool would want to leave.

Praying for you!

[Azzork]

This may get ugly. But I'm going to try to keep quoting b

Wow - long post! But some thoughts:

Note, there is no other person. She has told me (and our counselor) that she has no intention to be with another person. Relationships are a downer for her now.

Nobody here believes there's another person. And there MAY not be. But if the shoe were on the other foot, would YOU tell HER there was another woman? What do her actions say - hiding phone? Secretive? Not sleeping the same? Etc.

I realize that others deny there is an affair, but I am confident about this. She has shown none of these signs. She had an affair 20+ years ago and promised she would never do it again. I do still trust her. She has told me her "heart is closed down" because of what has happened between us. She has had no opportunity to be going out with someone else.

Again. I'm not saying there is one. As CaliGuy said, it doesn't REALLY matter for the journey you are about to take. But it's something you may want to start filtering through your head so it doesn't wreck you later.

But moving into a different house (whether it is me or her) My fear is that if she gets into another house, our finances will go down the drain, the kids will suffer more, and she will never get to see the changes I'm making.

The changes are for you. If she's interested, she will see them. Plus, you have kids, so you'll always be connected. Honestly, being apart may highlight them more. Can you see paint dry or grass grow? What if you leave for a month?

I would love to just leave for a month. But she seems set on moving forward as quickly as possible. Which means finding another house to buy. The only thing stopping her from getting out now is that if she found a house today, there would be a few months before closing. FYI, she has indicated a number of times that the main reason she wants to move forward quickly is because the longer we are in the same house, or still legally married, the longer I am going to be holding on and hoping that we get back together. All this motivation to move quickly seems to be about getting me to give up.

HALT.
I did NOT mean to imply YOU leave for a month. I meant the following:
Can you see grass grow or paint dry? What if you come back a month later? Has it grown/dried?

My point is to not worry about your W seeing every minor change as you make it. Sometimes the distance helps as an impetus to change AND allows them to be seen in a more pronounced way.

I just don't get it, after 30 years, can't we just slow down a bit? What is the rush? I understand she wants to split up with me but I don't see why we have to move towards separate houses and plow towards the Big D as soon as possible.

See my first comment above. But it could also be that she doesn't want to question things now. Plow ahead with no questions asked to "get away". Then look around later.

I think part of it is that she doesn't want to keep questioning her decision, but it is also that she think I'm going to hold on to hope that we get back together as long as we are still under one roof, still legally married, etc. I did say once that even if we divorce we could still remarry one day and she rolled her eyes.

Yeah. That pursuit thing. Hopefully you will see to knock it off.

She. Does. Not. Want. To. Be. Your. Wife. Anymore.

But! That doesn't mean that it always has to be that way. When you got married, she DID want to be your wife. So...just remember that feelings change. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but they do change.

I have been depressed, losing weight,... To be honest, the only thing that keeps me going sometimes is the hope that I will get her back.

Hope is good. Hope is GREAT.
But depression is not. Who wants to be married to someone like that. Time to pick up the PMA. FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT. It's time to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your wife.

that's a tough one. i'm convinced we are soul mates. I'm not ready to prove to myself that otherwise is true.

Nobody here is going to tell you to magnify your wife's flaws or to stop loving her. But the point of the process here is to REATTRACT her. You can't convince, cajole, beg, plead, reason or anything else with her to repair this relationship. Your only chance is to become the person you want to be. An ATTRACTIVE person. Nobody wants to be married to a mopey, begging, needy, crying mess. Nobody. So it's time to stop being depressed! there are medicines out there, but I believe there's no better way than GALGALGAL

I know I'm supposed to detach. But I am having a hard time with that. I just love her. More than ever before. All the things that used to bug me about her before have disappeared. I can do the "Act as if" because it's acting, and down inside I am sad and wanting to be with her. But detaching means to actually let her go. To give up. No way. I just can't do that. this whole thing is supposed to be about getting her back, right? why do I have to detach? Can't I keep my love for her strong, even if it is hidden?

Where does it say that you have to stop loving her when you detach? That's not what it's sbout. It's about learning to love and prioritize YOU. She won't be ready to love you until you can love yourself again. And there is no way to do that until you detach yourself and your being from her, emotionally.

I don't get that one. Can't I love myself and still be focused on her and getting her back?

Yes. You can. But look in the mirror. Really look deep. Is the person you are today the person you strive to be? When you wake up in the morning, do you believe that THIS is your BEST you?

My guess is that if you just joined here, your answer is no. You already claimed to be depressed. But I'm guessing there are lots of other improvements you'd like to make. In your confidence. In your appearance. In your relationships. And so on.

That's why the focus should be on YOU. No matter what anybody tells you, there is nothing you can say to convince your wife to stay. Nothing. To be clear: NOTHING. The only thing you can DO is become the best GABS possible.

[Gabs]

Hey gabs

Your post is almost exactly the same as mine I could be re reading my posts here

The only difference is at the moment my W is happy to stay in the same house I guess for stability of the kids and I think she know t is going to be very expensive moving

We have been in separate beds in different rooms since she dropped the B it is strange saying good night to her and then going upstairs as she stays d/stairs in the office that we are converting to a bedroom ...my junk pso I guess I have to move it .

Detaching is very difficult I will not kid you I have been her for a couple of months and the help you get is fantastic sometimes you will fight against it believing that you ha the answers but in my experience so far eveyting I have tried has not worked find things ro do to take your mind off this

I am so sorry you are here but you are amongst manŷ people who really care

Speak again

Gary

Thanks. it does help to hear from someone in a similar situation. however the hardest part right now is that my W wants to get into separate houses asap. you are lucky that yours realized that she can't handle the financial burden of being in her own house and she agreed to just have separate bed rooms. I would give anything for that. I would be able to breathe again. I think I could do pretty well following the 37 rules and all that if we were under the same roof and I wasn't stressing about finances, and I would have more of an opportunity to show her I am changing. So I feel like the "moving out" thing is something I am really holding out against. But maybe the answer is, since she feels so strongly about it, I have to let it go. maybe I will lose the house because of this. but what can i do... I can't make her stay, and if I really fight it then the lawyers will get involved and it will go south fast and I think there will be zero chance to reconcile.

we were at a marriage counselor today and the counselor suggested some 3rd options, like keeping the house as shared and each of us alternating each week, who lives here with the kids. Someone also suggested building a small 2nd house on the property..... but I tell you she keeps saying "I just need to get into my own space where I can make my own decisions and be my own person...." and she doesn't want to compromise. She just wants out, and the sooner the better, for these reasons:
--Once we get under two roofs, I will realize this is over and I will stop wanting her back.
--the kids won't have a long drawn out process of separating. do it quick, get it overwith (i completely disagree here, I think the kids will be better off with a slower transition so they have a chance to process and prepare).
--she will be able to stop feeling guilty every time she sees me (out of sight, out of mind... geesh!)

so i think if i follow the idea here, I have to stop resisting the move out.

[Gabs]

Yes I agree the help here is by far better than regular counseling, where you just speak your mind but they cannot give you direction.

Sorry you are here, we all are. But these changes will make you in to a much better person, only a fool would want to leave.

Praying for you!

thanks for the prayers. and I love "only a fool would want to leave." I have thought something similar... I'm turning into a person that she would be dumb not to come back to. But I guess I just have to accept that it takes time for her to even look at me, let alone be convinced the changes are real and long lasting.

[Azzork]

Hey gabs

Your post is almost exactly the same as mine I could be re reading my posts here

The only difference is at the moment my W is happy to stay in the same house I guess for stability of the kids and I think she know t is going to be very expensive moving

We have been in separate beds in different rooms since she dropped the B it is strange saying good night to her and then going upstairs as she stays d/stairs in the office that we are converting to a bedroom ...my junk pso I guess I have to move it .

Detaching is very difficult I will not kid you I have been her for a couple of months and the help you get is fantastic sometimes you will fight against it believing that you ha the answers but in my experience so far eveyting I have tried has not worked find things ro do to take your mind off this

I am so sorry you are here but you are amongst manŷ people who really care

Speak again

Gary

Thanks. it does help to hear from someone in a similar situation. however the hardest part right now is that my W wants to get into separate houses asap. you are lucky that yours realized that she can't handle the financial burden of being in her own house and she agreed to just have separate bed rooms. I would give anything for that. I would be able to breathe again. I think I could do pretty well following the 37 rules and all that if we were under the same roof and I wasn't stressing about finances, and I would have more of an opportunity to show her I am changing. So I feel like the "moving out" thing is something I am really holding out against. But maybe the answer is, since she feels so strongly about it, I have to let it go. maybe I will lose the house because of this. but what can i do... I can't make her stay, and if I really fight it then the lawyers will get involved and it will go south fast and I think there will be zero chance to reconcile.

we were at a marriage counselor today and the counselor suggested some 3rd options, like keeping the house as shared and each of us alternating each week, who lives here with the kids. Someone also suggested building a small 2nd house on the property..... but I tell you she keeps saying "I just need to get into my own space where I can make my own decisions and be my own person...." and she doesn't want to compromise. She just wants out, and the sooner the better, for these reasons:
--Once we get under two roofs, I will realize this is over and I will stop wanting her back.
--the kids won't have a long drawn out process of separating. do it quick, get it overwith (i completely disagree here, I think the kids will be better off with a slower transition so they have a chance to process and prepare).
--she will be able to stop feeling guilty every time she sees me (out of sight, out of mind... geesh!)

so i think if i follow the idea here, I have to stop resisting the move out.

Before you talk about how lucky he is, have a read through his threads and you can see how hard it is to detach and stop pursuing when you actually live with someone. Change is not easy; and it's especially difficult while you're living with someone trying to leave.

[Wonka]

Azzork,

Who are you and where's your thread? Do you have your own thread somewhere in here?

[Azzork]

Azzork,

Who are you and where's your thread? Do you have your own thread somewhere in here?

I've been lurking for a while but finally decided to register and offer my help.
I've decided not to post the sorry details of my life right now.

[Wonka]

Azzork,

Who are you and where's your thread? Do you have your own thread somewhere in here?

I've been lurking for a while but finally decided to register and offer my help.
I've decided not to post the sorry details of my life right now.

Ummm...apparently you are experiencing some M problems, and you don't want to seek help from some wise vets. M'kay....

Just weird to offer help to others when you are a newbie who's not sharing his experience/story and we cannot tell if you are DBing correctly or not because you are not sharing your story here.

That's fine. Your choice.

Be careful in the forums...because I am not too confident that you have DBing concept down correctly or applying them correctly. Heck, I don't know if you even read the DR book from front to back...then rinse and repeat.

Just odd.

[little1]

Just because you are under separate roofs doesn't mean you can't do the Sandi37. I printed them out and made copies. You wouldn't believe everywhere I have copies. Though me and my h are under different roofs I am following them. When we are together I implementt the ones for "still living together". I read them every day several times a day. I start to feel I am losing my hope courage everything I read them for strength. Believe me SHE WILL NOTICE. When my h left he said there was no hope. I never paid attenetion etc etc. Yes we had problems and yes this was/is a huge wake-up call for me. He does notice the changes and he notices when I slip and slide. Does he say anything, no. But his interactions change.

Draw your strength from here. Vent, yell, cry, whatever. Nobody here will judge. You may read something that hurts you, but it's meant to help you. That's why I said read and re-read until you listen to what they say, not hear what they say.

[Gabs]

As part of this process, my wife and i are in separate rooms. I agreed to move into my office.
It just made more sense. I need to keep the office for working purposes.
I just basically moved my bed into the office.
If she was going to move into a different room and I kept the MBR, there wasn't really anywhere for her to go.
This would have prompted her to move OUT sooner, which I have been resisting and I still don't want to happen.

She still wants to move out and get her own place soon, but the fact that I moved into the office took the pressure off for a short while.

I've been reading on this forum that the LBS is supposed to keep the MBR in a situation like this, and also keep the house, while the one who is leaving should be the one to move out of the bedroom and move out of the house.

Did I screw up?

There's not much I can do, it would be nearly impossible to suggest that I take the MBR back at this point and it would push her out of the house faster if I tried to advocate for that.

Thanks.


Stick with one thread until 100 posts threads merged- Cadet