The reason that we tell you not to move out of the MBR or the house is that once you move - reversing it is very difficult.
DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE - yes she should move.
It can sometimes hurt your legal standing that you move and it is also co-dependent and enabling because you are NOT STANDING up for yourself and letting her push you around.
My wife just took the kids to go look at a house. She asked me first if I minded that they come with her. I thought about the concepts here, took a deep breath, and said it would be fine.
They are there looking at the house now. I'm so filled with emotions I can barely breathe.
I was glad to find this website but now I'm questioning everything at this moment. The truth is, I just want her back. I finally realize what I was doing wrong and I could really show her what it's like to be loved if I could just have a chance. These changes I'm making, they are good for me, but I have to be honest. I'm doing it for her.
It is so hard for me to "go along" with what she is doing and stop resisting. I just want to cry, beg, promise. I realize that has not worked but that is what I feel inside and it is so hard to pretend otherwise, especially when it seems like it is enabling her to move forward. I don't really want to "get a life." All I can do is think about her. I have gone out several times since she announced the split, and it's difficult to have fun. People say "hi how you doing?" and if I'm honest I have to say that I'm doing pretty shitty. If I go to a concert, every song reminds me of her and I cry, and I just can't wait to get back home into my hole, where I can think about her and what I can do to get her back. The only thing that keeps me going is hope. This website offered some hope but the suggestions are so against what I want to do and so difficult to pretend when feel like I'm being eaten alive inside. Then I read a thread where someone has been trying this and it hasn't helped. And that makes me wonder if all this is worth it. I realize there are no guarantees... But are there any success stories/threads I could read? Maybe that would help me. I have read a lot about what I'm supposed to do, but I haven't seen anything that describes her thought process and what enables her to start rethinking the track she's on. I've heard that she has a case of "the grass is greener on the other side" and she has to taste the grass over there before she can realize it's not any better. I would love to read a story or two about someone who let their wife buy another house without resistance.... and somehow things turned around afterwards. Otherwise I am just questioning all of this and I just want to go back into my hole.
Right now they are over looking at a house. Why is this happening? I'm a good person. I realize I didn't love her the way I should have but I was good to her and I took care of her. I'm a good person and I deserve another chance. After 30 years! And kids are involved. This is so crazy, nuts, sad, depressing. I swear I would do ANYTHING for just one more chance and I would hit a HOME RUN. I know it more than anything. I was never ready to really love her but I am now!
I supposed this site would tell me, when they get back I'm supposed to just put a smile on my face and pretend that I'm happy that they went to look at a new house while in reality my entire world is crumbling around me.
Sorry for the negativity. I'm just having a hard time and there's no other place I can vent.
I'm so sorry you are here. However, it is the best place to be in a horrid situation. YOU will get through this-know that much.
Please don't doubt that you are a good person. We all makes mistakes and often times we do the best we can with the tools we have in the box. We are all flawed and some are more self aware than others. Use this time to focus on you and know that your self worth (believe it or not) is not tied to your W. And please know you aren't "enabling" her-you have to let her go. She has to see for herself what she thinks about said grass. She has to see for herself what "life" has to offer her on this path and life will continue on for you as well. Don't miss out. Take advantage of this time as Cadet says.
You have to allow yourself to feel the emotions. Some days I still have a good cry and I can count how many times I have cried in the 5 years prior to BD. I could make some song suggestions for you:) However, maybe listen to something else right now until you feel a bit better. Are you a sports fan? I love sports radio.
I know it is difficult. We all do. However, focus on you and your kids. What do you enjoy doing? I promise there will come a day very soon that something makes you laugh uncontrollably or you relish a moment you may not have been able to before. Keep your eyes open.
Hang in there. It does get better!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
thanks. what makes me feel good is making music. I'm a musician and music has healed me many times in my life. Since she dropped the bomb, I have been writing, writing, writing. I have songs I would love to develop, record, and put on youtube. And I think people would like them. But the songs would reveal my lack of letting go. they would show my true emotions. so if I put a song up on youtube, and W sees it, she will know I'm still hurting and wishing. Which according to this site, is detrimental to achieving my goal. But in my heart, I feel like if she heard these songs it would reach into her heart and crack open the heart that she says she has "shut down." I so badly want to share these songs with her.
Here is a song I wrote for her over 20 years ago. so sad to hear it now because it's about spending the rest of my life with her, which I wanted to do back then and I still do.
(I hope I'm not blowing my cover by sharing that)
I have some new songs now I'd really like to work on but they all would fall into the category of asking her to give me another chance which I know is a no-no here so I guess I just have to keep it all inside.
Last edited by Cristy; 07/28/1509:40 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not post links to other sites
You need to "act as if" in order to change the Dynamics of your situation, based on your responses you sound very deparate and clingy which is not attractive and is simply pushing her further away. At the end of the day it is HER choice to want to be with you or not. So become someone she would like to be with, be mysterious, get a haircut, take care of yourself, women like a man that's confident, successful, and has passion for something.
Eventually she will notice the changes you have made and will reconsider, this take a lot of patience, prayer and determination.
Good luck and keep posting, sending prayers your way!
thanks. i did get a haircut. i've changed a lot of things. cleaning up around the house more. looking her in the eye when we talk. listening to what she says. seems to have no affect.
one thing I don't get... wouldn't it be OK to take the middle ground a little? can't I show her that I'm doing OK but also that I'm sad she's leaving? it is normal to have a mixture of emotions. she told me yesterday that she thought I would be fine with this because when we were together it seemed like I wasn't happy with her. so if I go with the "act as if" plan that confirms with her that I am glad she's leaving. I want her to know I don't want her to leave and any indication I gave before that I wanted out was an error. I want in. I feel inclined to occasionally remind her that I am not happy with what is happening and I want her back, not in a "groveling" tone but just as a matter of fact way of speaking. just so she doesn't get the idea that I'm happy about what is happening. isn't there some benefit to her knowing that I love her and want her? Some of these things I just don't get.
Gabs..... breathe. You are in the middle of the hurricane and all the emotions are flooding you all at once, its suffocating ... feels like your chest will cave in or explode depending on the exhale or inhale motion .. I remember all to well.
You asked for some success stories, there are plenty here, might not be the successes you are looking for, its more about a broken individual who saved themselves from the rubble and came out stronger and better than ever.
However ... if you need a story where a man who found himself lost and broken after his wife left 'to get some space' ... ended up having an affair that lasted nearly 18 months in total, Found this forum and took to heart what the vets would advise (Not always perfectly) turned his situation, his life around...became a MUCH better man than when he entered into this ... was weeks away from signing final documents for divorce only to have his W stop and ask to work on the M, and currently have been doing so ... about a month or so away from moving back in with each other ... Then here ... I am one of those stories.
Reading along with your sitch ... it drips with FEAR ... and thats totally acceptable, given the time vested you have lost track of Gabs, the one who your W fell for and stayed with for that long. She did not all the sudden wake up and decide to bolt, I assure you ... this has been gradually going on for a bit .. and you will have to gradually change and become 'Gabs 2.0' as I have phrased my metamorphosis.
I get how painful this is .. I also remember how a$$ backwards the approach is. Thing is .. begging and pleading paints you as needy and pathetic, no woman is attracted to that .. nor can she respect that .... the key is to become a man she will respect, the painful part is letting her go a bit in order to do that. Someone here shared the visual of walking your dog on a long leash, he darts off into the woods and gets all tangled, by you holding on to that leash so tightly there is no escape ... let go of the leash and the dog would be able to run about and return ..... outside of referring to the W as a dog .. there is a good parallel here .... the tighter you hold on the faster and harder she will run.
You have to start the process, the trick now is not to save the M, its not to make things worse.
thanks. i did get a haircut. i've changed a lot of things. cleaning up around the house more. looking her in the eye when we talk. listening to what she says. seems to have no affect.
Keep in mind, all these 'changes' you have made are very new, and she will assume they are just to 'trick' her back into that unhappy marriage she is running from. Takes time for them to trust these changes are real and will stick ... PATIENCE
Originally Posted By: Gabs
one thing I don't get... wouldn't it be OK to take the middle ground a little? can't I show her that I'm doing OK but also that I'm sad she's leaving? it is normal to have a mixture of emotions.
Not if it shows weakness... remember .. she has to respect you .. not pity you, her coming back to wipe your tears is not her coming back attracted to you wanting to fix this marriage.
Originally Posted By: Gabs
she told me yesterday that she thought I would be fine with this because when we were together it seemed like I wasn't happy with her. so if I go with the "act as if" plan that confirms with her that I am glad she's leaving. I want her to know I don't want her to leave and any indication I gave before that I wanted out was an error.
The attitude you want to have here is "This is not my choice nor what I wanted ... but I will be ok.
Originally Posted By: Gabs
I want in. I feel inclined to occasionally remind her that I am not happy with what is happening and I want her back, not in a "groveling" tone but just as a matter of fact way of speaking. just so she doesn't get the idea that I'm happy about what is happening. isn't there some benefit to her knowing that I love her and want her? Some of these things I just don't get.
The reply echos what I just said ... as a LBH you simply say "This is not what I want, but I respect your decision" You end the conversation ... walk away as you have something important to do and let her start thinking about her decsions.
The faster you get onboard with this the easier it will be ... read about .. many members do try to pick and choose what they want and it simply does not work and sets them back
Read up on Sandi's WW threads .. alot of great information on where your W truly is mentally ...knowledge is power
I understand the basic principles here and the reasons behind them. However I am having a hard time with the rigidness and extreme nature of the rules.
For example I realize that a it's not good to grovel, beg, cry, because that shows weakness and she doesn't want to be with a weak person.
But why is it bad to apologize? I personally have been able to see much more clearly since my wife dropped the bomb what I was doing to make her feel unloved. I feel bad about it. I want to apologize. And I think apologizing and showing remorse, would remove some of the negativity she feels towards me. And it would show that I recognize my failures, which is clearly step 1 in correcting them. Why would I not want to show her that I took step 1 ?
Here's another one. Why do I have to hide my 180 changes. I want her to notice them. Is it so bad if I wait to go for a run until she is home so she notices that I'm exercising more? I understand you don't want to go over the top and do everything right in her face and say "see all these things I'm changing?" all the time. But it seems like it would be fine to passively do things in a way that she notices. And I understand that she won't believe the changes are real if I'm just doing them to get her back... but isn't there another side to that argument? Isn't there a part of her that would be impressed that I love her so much that I'm willing to make all these changes for her? I mean, part of the problem is that she thinks I didn't really love her and give her attention. But by making all these changes isn't that a way of showing her that I really do love her and I'm willing to do just about anything for her? They say to put yourself in her shoes. If I was breaking up with someone and they changed their life around because they so badly wanted to be with me, I would be impressed and I would say "wow I guess he really does love me."
I realize it's *better* for her to notice the changes on her own, but I don't see why it's bad to make sure she knows what they are.
Here's another one. I have found several letters my wife wrote to me, that say how much she loves me, and even though we have problems she is sure we are soul mates. I would like to show her these letters. I think it would help snap her out of it, to read her own words. She still loves me deep inside but she is hiding that love from herself. I think reading these letters would crack open that wall she's put up between he mind and her heart. But I'm sure that showing the letters to her would be seen as a step backwards because I'm obviously trying to get her to change her mind, which is what I'm not supposed to do.
I realize this is a no-no but I would like to tell her how I am a different person. I would like to tell her that I have really identified many things that I was doing wrong before, things that I never could see clearly until now. I want to tell her that for the first time I "get it" I realize I was making her feel unloved, and I want to show her what it feels like to be loved. I realize it won't make her come back right away, but if I plant seeds in her mind to this effect, it's better to have those seeds there in her mind than not, I would think. Coupled with her noticing changes I've made, I think it is a good compliment. I think I could talk about my changes and how I would treat her differently without begging or groveling, just in a matter of fact way,
Here's another.... I'm a musician and with all the emotions I've had in the last month I"m sure you can imagine that some songs are coming out. I have songs about being sorry. I have songs about what life is like without you. I have songs about wanting you back. I think a lot of popular songs came out of experiences like this. Would it be so horrible to make a youtube video of some of my songs and hope that she sees it on my facebook page, or even ask her to check it out? I mean it's kind of impressive to write a nice song about someone. If someone wrote a song about me I would think, "wow, his emotions are really real. I guess he really does love me a lot." And they could spark memories of good times we have had.
Here's another one I have a hard time with. Why is it bad to do nice things for her? Is it really bad, if I'm making coffee, to make her a cup and bring it to her? I mean, she has some negativity towards me obviously. I think it would be a good thing to try to erase some of that negativity by being helpful and nice. I feel like the more good experiences we can have, even if they are just having a nice conversation, or making a cup of coffee, before it's too late, the better. If I just keep a distance then the only memories she has of me are the bad things that are filling her head at the moment. Obviously I don't mean to go overboard and buy her roses every day and kiss her feet. I'm just saying, if I'm making a cup of coffee for myself, why not make two and bring her one?
I guess I'm trying to say that some of these rules seem a little rigid. I'm no expert but I think a little bit of doing nice things, letting her know that I want her back, telling her what I've learned and how i've changed, making sure she notices the changes I'm making, and I do these things subtly and I don't go overboard are they really so detrimental to my cause?
I've heard here that you want to show her that you are a strong confident person. Doesn't a strong confident person stand up and fight for what he wants? If I show her that I'm working really hard, changing my life around, have identified my failures, and I present this from a position of strength, doesn't that show I'm a strong person, that she would like to be with again?
I guess this is my "questioning some of this" post.... I just read an article that said, the further you go down the path to D, the less chance there is for reconciliation. So I feel like there's a ticking time bomb. I feel that if I just keep my distance and don't do nice things for her occasionally and I don't make sure she knows how it would be different and how I've changed, that I could miss the boat.
