Gabs, +1 for exercise. It will help you function and be a better father. I rode my bike for literally thousands of miles. I wore out a set of gears and a bike chain in a single summer. It helps. Although you're focused on your wife, you also need to be there for your kids, and you can't do that unless you take care of yourself.
Interesting point to contemplate: See how all these people here feel about their walkaways? They are obsessed with them! The walkaways are not pursuing them, they're not sharing their feelings, they're not declaring their love, they're not demonstrating changes.
Instead they are heading the other way! They are mysterious, they are elusive. They are going out and living their own lives, regardless of what the other person thinks. They are resolved to live their life.
Does this seem to diminish attraction or increase it?
Stop and think about that. Here you have a large data sample. When the WAS pulls away, the loving feelings increase. When the WAS gives space, the loving feelings increase. When the LBS pursues, the loving feelings diminish.
These are facts before you.
Let that guide your plan.
Pursuing does not bring you closer, space does.
In the movie "Caddyshack" Chevy Chase's character says "In one physical model of the universe, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line in the opposite direction"
That is 1000% true of a walkaway spouse situation. If the day your spouse says she wants to leave, you smiled, patted her on the back and said "I love you, I hope you find what you're looking for" and then went your way and did your own thing, that would be the shortest path to reconciliation.
No apologies, no explanations, no love letters, just walk the other direction and give her the space she wants.
If you could do that: -- You wouldn't dig the hole any deeper -- You wouldn't push her away any more -- You wouldn't make her any more resentful -- You would give her space to think about what she's doing instead of forcing her to continue to think about escaping -- You would give her time to see what it feels like to live without you for real -- You would grant her the gift of space and time that she's looking for and she would be grateful to you for not making her feel guilty, and for handling it with class, honor and dignity
A straight line in the other direction is the shortest path home.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I realize one of the main concepts here is to give the appearance that you are OK, and you are moving on.
Twice since she dropped the bomb, my wife has told me I should find another partner, now/soon. I think she says this because she wants to feel released.
So, what if I dated? What if I put up a page on a dating site, and went out once or twice with another woman. Wouldn't that show her that I am moving on, which is something I'm trying to accomplish? Would that change the dynamic a bit and possibly make her question her decision?
Of course that's the last thing I want to do. i want to stand and fight for her. I can't really imagine being with someone else. And I'm afraid that if I do it, it will show her that I really don't care about being with her anymore, and I don't want to convey that message, even though this book/forum seem to be indicating that's exactly what I need to do.
She has told me to do it.
She even said she thought that when she dropped the bomb that I would take it well and be psyched to be with someone else. She said she was surprised by my reaction and how sad i've been and how much I've been trying to get her back, I guess because I didn't really show much love for her when we were together.
Regardless, would it be a bad idea to show her I'm moving on by going out on a date, or putting up a page on Match.com?
...then STOP listening to your wayward wife and truly listen to DBers here. We will steer you in the right direction.
Your W doesn't care about you AT THIS MOMENT. All she cares about is her cake and the ability to continue eating it. Her pushing dating on you is a way to deflect her guilt and "force" you to do the same so she can 'feel' better about her affair.
Don't you see how silly and twisted her so-called "logic" is right there??!!!
Fer cryin' outloud....
LOSE THE FEAR FOR REAL!!!
Get your balls back from your W's purse.
If your W told you to jump out of a window from a 10-story building, would you do it knowing that it meant death for you?
Hell No! That's right....
Same thing with her pushing you to "date" other people. How whack is that?!
Here is your to-do list:
-Get up from the fetal position -Become the best DAD to the kids -Be active outside of the house -STOPall R talks/all ILYs -STOP trying to "win" W back (she's out of the door already) -Start posting in other threads for you will learn more by reciprocating -Join 1 or 2 groups that resonates with you in your community (hiking, Dungeons & Dragons, whatnot) through MeetUp
Time to stop sucking the pacifier, ditch it, and grow a pair.
sorry dude, that was a little harsh. I was asking an honest question. it seemed to me that I want to give her the impression that I'm letting go and that was one easy way to do it.
yes I want to stay married. yes.
you are saying to stop listening to her.. but i have also been told to listen to her when she says things like:
--it's hard to be around me when I'm sad --she needs space
and also, let her move out if she wants... don't stop her.
I've also heard something to the effect, if I love her so much I should give her what she she is asking for, which is to be released.
so it seemed to me that if she suggests I go out on a date, that would be in line with several of the ideas that have been presented to me here. I've also read in the book that I want to "change the dynamic" and going on a date would do just that. sorry if I "asked the wrong question" but it seemed like a logical one to me.
what if she hadn't suggested I do it? would that have changed your answer?
sorry dude, that was a little harsh. I was asking an honest question. it seemed to me that I want to give her the impression that I'm letting go and that was one easy way to do it.
yes I want to stay married. yes.
you are saying to stop listening to her.. but i have also been told to listen to her when she says things like:
--it's hard to be around me when I'm sad --she needs space
and also, let her move out if she wants... don't stop her.
I've also heard something to the effect, if I love her so much I should give her what she she is asking for, which is to be released.
so it seemed to me that if she suggests I go out on a date, that would be in line with several of the ideas that have been presented to me here. I've also read in the book that I want to "change the dynamic" and going on a date would do just that. sorry if I "asked the wrong question" but it seemed like a logical one to me.
what if she hadn't suggested I do it? would that have changed your answer?
Wonka nailed it with her post. Yeah, it was harsh....but sometimes thats needed.
How about I ask you then: What do you hope to gain by putting up a dating profile? Will it get you closer to your goal? What do you plan to do with this poor woman that would wind up on this sham date with you?
The point is that you cant listen to EVERY word your wife says. In this case, her thought is that you dating will make YOU happy, and then SHE wont feel so guilty leaving.
I am sure that you can see that "Letting her go" and "going on a date" are not the same thing.
I am not coming back here UNTIL you do the following:
-read CaliGuy's threads (MLC forum) -post in other people's threads (start with saying "hi" or "I feel for ya...am here for support")
You need to get your head out of your own sitch and actively start posting in other people's threads. There's a wealth of information contained in them and you could learn "right" from "wrong" approaches when DBing.
The simple reason why you shouldn't date is that it would not be fair to the other person who really would be looking for a relationship. Find another way to GAL.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Wonka nailed it with her post. Yeah, it was harsh....but sometimes thats needed.
How about I ask you then: What do you hope to gain by putting up a dating profile? Will it get you closer to your goal? What do you plan to do with this poor woman that would wind up on this sham date with you?
The point is that you cant listen to EVERY word your wife says. In this case, her thought is that you dating will make YOU happy, and then SHE wont feel so guilty leaving.
I am sure that you can see that "Letting her go" and "going on a date" are not the same thing.
sorry, i'm getting confused. I will answer your questions...
What do I hope to gain by putting up a dating profile? It would show W that i have let go and I am moving on and change the dynamic, which I thought was something we are trying to do here.
Would it get me closer to my goal? I don't know, maybe. That's why I thought of it. I keep hearing that she's not even going to think about coming back until it really seems like I have moved on. I can't think of a better way to show that I've moved on. In fact I was told recently that I need to not only make it seem like I've let her go, I actually have to get to the point where it really doesn't matter to me if she comes back or not, before it will ever happen. only then we she sense that I don't need her anymore and only then will she reconsider. It seems to me that the easiest way to show her that I don't need her anymore is to show her I'm willing to consider being with someone else.
What do I plan to do with the woman on the date? Certainly not marry her. I don't think it would be harmful to anyone. People aren't always looking for a long term relationship on the first date. and maybe it's not even a date. maybe just putting up a profile would show her I'm moving on and get her closer to that point where she feels I don't need her anymore.
Maybe it's not a shame date anyway. Maybe it would help me get out of my hole, to think that if this doesn't work out with my wife, that there is a world out there and other fish in the sea. I don't have to marry or sleep with the first person I date.
i apologize if my questions are wrong. I'm new here and trying to feel my way around. I think there is some logic in what I'm asking.
I actually think that "letting her go" and "going on a date" are very closely related. If I ever truly let her go and give up trying to save the marriage, probably one of the first things I'm going to do is think about finding another partner. I ain't getting any younger and I believe in companionship.
Imo.....putting up a dating profile to "show" your wife anything is the wrong approach. You will not show her that you are moving on that way.
One of two things will happen.
1. You will give her a reason to justify her actions. 2. You will make her jealous which will push her away further.
Neither scenario is what you are looking for.
It sounds like you want her to be Jealous. Never a good thing for an LBS.
How is this making you a man only a fool would leave?
Believe me....I have experienced this. My WW told me that I needed to give up on her and find someone else. A week later I friended an ex girlfriend in facebook and my wife went berzerk!!!!
She told me that she knew I didnt really love her and that she didnt know how to be with me anymore......all because I pressed the "accept button" for a friend request. Up until then she was struggling with her detatchment from me. It all changed after that.
Do what you want, of course. But be warned. It wont work in getting to your goal.
Also.....letting her go doesn't mean finding another partner. It means detatching and letting her find her way. Its about letting her see what life is like without you while you become the best man you can be. Not starting up a possible affair yourself. You are still married right?
Also....you are still doing things in hopes of getting a reaction from your wife. That is not DBing. I understand that she is not in the marriage anymore, but if you are truly trying to save the marriage, you are taking the wrong path.
Besides....i would think you want to improve the mistakes you have made before you look for another relationship.
But this is just my opinion....i am still a newbie and make my own mistakes. All I know is the vets here have seen many sitches come and go....they know what works.....and what dosent
Last edited by Cadet; 01/25/1811:30 AM. Reason: Combine posts
T14 M5 SD15,D8,S6,D3 "Not Happy" 12/11/14 EA discovered 2/11/15 MC started 2/17/15 MC "put on hold" 4/3/15 W IC started 4/5/15 PA admitted 5/7/15 WW moves out 5/8/15 WW gets her own place 7/15/15
my dynamic is a little different. my wife is does not seem to be struggling with her detachment from me. she seems like she's already done it. I wish she was struggling with it. if there is struggling going on, she's keeping it under wraps. only once did I hear her say anything to indicate she was struggling at all, when she said she knows she's "being the bad guy" making me sad, and the kids sad, and other people too and she started to get a little teary. other than that, see seems comletely content and confident with her decision... or at least that's what she's showing me.
so I can see why your wife would get mad, if she was still struggling with her decision and detatching. i can see why she would say "see I knew you didn't love me." (but that is completely irrational if all you did was accept a friend request).
My wife, I think it's more like what a couple others have said. she would feel relief and less guilty. but who knows. I really don't know what's going on inside her. Maybe there is a part of her that is questioning her decision and I just can't see it. I sure hope so.
For now I'm going to be someone that only a fool would leave. It's not really clear what that is though, because this site seems to say I should be aloof, mysterious, almost playing hard to get.... but to me someone who only a fool would leave is a person who is caring, interested, and present. I guess that's one of the things I need to figure out next.
