Ghost Riding

[SunnyB]

And as I typed this out I realize I do have a lot to offer, and my problems don’t look so insurmountable.

Oh, I agree!

This.

[jim0987]

Hi Zeus,

Your posts made for interesting reading and I can understand where you are coming from with a lot of it.

What struck me (and I may be way off) is that its almost like its your competitive side is influencing your expectations - like having someone desire you in the same way you desire them is the prize and that anything short of that means in someway you've lost and which translates as not being enough as you are.

Just using your guess who example, your reaction to losing was to work out a new strategy to improve your odds of winning. I'm curious how do you get on with games that are pure chance and where there is no opponent to game?

from there its about how do you change your narrative, I'm not saying you have to change who you are but more appreciate what is good (a bit like learning some different love languages)

Hopefully i've not said anything you feel is out of turn but it was the theme that stood out for me when i read your posts

[Zues126]

Not at all Jim. You are right on with some of this.

I'll start by saying that I am way outside the norm on the bell curve. Neither good nor bad, but it definitely is. If I walked into a room with 1,000 people and we took on a new endeavor, be it a game, a challenge, anything...I'd probably be the best. It would be easy to assume that I am bragging, that I'm very competitive to make up for an insecurity. I promise you it's not that one dimensional. As for bragging, Jim, I also promise you that if I didn't think it would be an insult to God having given me these gifts I would opt to have chosen to be someone else. There is nothing easy about the hand I've been dealt.

Upon meeting me strangers describe me as inspirational and intense. I have been told to write books or become a motivational speaker countless times. I have absolutely dominated at the things I have taken on which is why I was drawn to sales...and in 15 years of sales the people that represented the toughest competition I've ever had have unanimously agreed I was the best they've ever seen.

So why am I saying all of this? I'm agreeing that it makes for problems. The fire that burns within me is white hot, hot enough that when I have a flaw in my game I will exert will to iron it out until it has been eliminated and perfected.

Is it easy to live with someone like that? Absolutely not.

I tried Jim. I tried throughout my M to not hold my W to my standards. My standards are impossible to achieve, and while to me that was ok because the point wasn't to achieve them but to die trying and become the best I could be...I know that for others that's not how they want to live.

But I know I fell short. I know STBX felt like I was disdainful of her, impatient, frustrated, angry, or exasperated. Not all the time, but definitely at times.

Why would I treat her this way? You're right in that I felt we were here to make a good partnership. I put a lot into what I do and felt frustrated that she didn't seem to care. The best I can describe it is I felt I was playing on a team, I was trying my hardest to win, my partner was goofing around and giving 50%. That triggered a lot of intense emotions in me.

Believe it or not I tried hard to just live and let live. I realized that I was rather eccentric, and I actually APPRECIATED that my STBX was closer to 'normal' on the spectrum. But I definitely know her complaint was that it was too exhausting to be with me, that she never felt good enough, that she just wanted to be with someone where she could be herself and have fun. I have posted before that my desire for a perfect M ruined the chances for a decent M. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I NEVER would have walked away from STBX. That I believed that given time we would work through these things. I guess I truly don't believe in giving up, and that an M is priceless and irreplaceable.

This is hard for me Jim, and one of the reasons I have struggled with my sense of self worth. I mean, there's a fine line between genius and insanity, and I have walked it. People love to watch professional athletes on TV, they love reading about Thomas Eddison's determination, or other inspirational figures, and we often use them as examples. But who the heck would want to live with me? This is what I wonder when I feel worthless.

But then I think about how some woman root their man on, support their man, think that he's something special...not just for his accomplishments, but in addition to them. I do think that STBX had a lot of insecurities on her own, serious anxiety issues, and that we BOTH formed a poor dynamic that was codependant and ineffective.

I HAVE domesticated myself tremendously. I am now able to play games of chance and laugh when my kids win. I don't obsessively practice pool. Not every book I read is an inspirational biography or sports psychology. I am learning to live more than I used to. And while I can't in one post explain where this fire came from, I will tell you that I've been learning a lot about it, growing, healing, and learning to accept myself as is more and more. All while still enjoying my gifts and expressing them in the world.

So I've come a long way. And while I understand that I'm not easy to be with, I am starting to believe that maybe I'm not cursed to be different. Maybe as I continue to grow and mellow a bit, accept the differences between me and my partner, and- as you said- be more appreciative of the good of the relationship as it is...I think I can do my part to be a decent partner.

[Bob723]

Hello Zues,

I wanted to stop by and say 'Hello!' Yes, you have come a long way. Keep up the great work, move forward and never look back.

Way to go!

Bob

[Zues126]

Hello Zues,

I wanted to stop by and say 'Hello!' Yes, you have come a long way. Keep up the great work, move forward and never look back.

Way to go!

Bob

Thank you Bob. Great to have you on this forum, you were only gone for a few days but it felt like longer. You bring so much!

[Zues126]

((Zues)) I am hearing the pain in your words. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better today.

After sharing your feelings, I will honestly say that I don't believe you should seek reconciliation at this time. Sometimes just too much damage has occurred. I believe people are often pushed to do what someone dictates as "the right thing". Well, it sounds as if you were doing the right thing and still received terrible treatment. Perhaps you struggle even now about doing what is perceived to be right. It is for nobody to decide what Zues should except you. I blame nobody for not wanting to step back into a relationship with a person who did what your W has done to you.

I think you agree, and that what you're saying is that you'd need proof they had DRAMATICALLY changed into a different person that regretted those decisions, a person that had been so impacted and had grown so far they might as well be a stranger to your old partner, but a stranger with kids and history you share. And that you are CAUTIONING LBH's for accepting any less.

Yes, that's pretty much what I meant. However, how dramatically they change can certainly vary from person to person. Your W would be one who would need a total make over inside and out, and it would need to be authentic. I have not read many accounts where that actually occurs. Doesn't mean it's impossible. I think there has to be a driving force behind anyone's dramatic change. We tell LBH'S to change for themselves, not to just get her back. Same thing applies to the WW. Anyone can put on a good front for a while. Eventually the real person will show.

I think it would probably take a few years for her to change as much as she would need, in order to be the W you deserve to have. I'm no professional, so it's JMO. I do believe with complete repentance comes healing and opportunity to live a better life. That is her choice, and it's your choice if she lives with you, or not.

Oh btw, whenever I say the woman has to respect a man in order to be in love with him, it doesn't mean he is a bum or necessarily did something wrong in the M. Some women lose respect for themselves and everyone. In such a case, you would have to ask yourself if she was worth it.

Sandi, wanted to reply on my own thread for this one. For the first time since BD I feel like the door to R has been closed.

I'm not trying to control the future. If STBX goes through years of transformation and I am still single, who knows what is possible. But I am no longer hoping she turns around on this one. And if she were to ask if I'd be open to working through things I'd be perfectly content to tell her no without the need to explain further. If she really wanted to know I'd let her know- as a gift to her- that I am not interested in a relationship with someone that has such disrespect for me, herself, her commitment, or to her M.

This is a big breakthrough for me. It seemed like for 6 months I was hoping for R, then I was open to it. Now I realize that I am worth enough not to accept anything less than a solid M. As I've said before, not only will a better M be better, it will hold up better to the temptations of the world as well.

For the first time I am feeling like I can be a good H. Feedback from you, Sunny, Toots, Gan, Py, and so many other posters has given me the courage to fight back against my self doubts. They are still there, but they don't get to control my life. Yes, I have continued work to do. Yes, I won't be an easy person to partner with all the time as I am pretty extreme. But the more I read my old posts and reflect on my old M, the more I realize I've come a long ways and I'm confident that I won't behave the same in my next M.

Because I'll definitely own the fact that I treated my W very poorly and was far too demanding. I've just learned that me being flawed doesn't mean I deserve to be mistreated, or that I can't do better than to cling to someone that doesn't value me and is unable to provide a good partnership built in character, commitment, for better for worse, through sickness and health, til death do us part.

That doesn't mean I'm guaranteed to have a better M in the future, or that my next partner doesn't leave, or do the same things, or that we don't have an equally broken M. I will fall short in many ways as a broken human, and I can't control her. But I'll do my best, and it will be better...and I'll also do my best to find a partner that shares these beliefs, and that is willing to grow and change through tough times rather than walk.

Thank you guys. I wouldn't go back in time a year for anything. And I can't wait to see how much more change is possible in another year or five. When you're doing the work time truly is a gift.

[Zues126]

I also think I lowered my standards to combat my high standards.

Like I said, my standards are incredibly high...I didn't want to 'inflict' them on other people, or my W, because I knew I was so demanding...so in some ways it's like I put up with everything because I didn't want to be the guy that was so entitled I felt like I deserved better.

I wanted a better M. I wanted a more engaged partner. I wanted a better sex life. I wanted someone that respected and prioritized me. I wanted someone that put me first, valued my opinions, and recognized how amazing I am. That supported me. That allowed me to lead my family.

But it's like the critical voice inside of me was so loud, I kept drowning it out. I said "no, that's just you being demanding, being a perfectionist". I thought that the way I'd 'win' against my own drive was to just put up with anything and everything. I didn't want to bulldoze my W. As a result, I didn't gain from the positive contributions that voice had to offer.

Vanilla just posted a great thread about taking the good from that voice, I'll have to reread that...the 7 step process. Point is that while I don't want to be critical or demanding, I can still have standards, and I am learning that the trick is to listen to and control that voice, not to do the opposite!

[SunnyB]

Zeus, just want you to know I'm here and have read all your posts. I have started replies a couple of times and let them go for various reasons. But I like the track you are on, you do seem to be going through another shift recently. A shift to a place of peace and power and self acceptance. It's a nice place to be Zues. Welcome.

[Vanilla]

Zues

I do read your thread and many of your posts.

There are a few thoughts I have but mainly Zeus (deliberate) it is ok to be Zues. There is absolutely no reason why Zues can not be who he is.

We are flawed as humans we are all, every single one of us flawed, but we are also as good as we can be when we tap into our higher power.

You are more than your sin, and there are seven of them, yours was carnal and consuming. OK, I get it, you sinned for a long time, you had a black heart, my gosh perhaps in your own eyes the worst ever. And you paused, you reviewed, you evaluated and you atoned.

So are you committing yourself to hell forever, condemned to burn? That isn't humility or your higher power. How self indulgent to believe that your higher power thinks you worthy of such righteous humiliation and flagellation. How dare you when there is so much to be done! How can you condemn Zues, in what way does that relieve you of your responsibility for love.

No one will love me when they kow me? Excuse me. Well I contradict you, there are many here including V who love you for who you are, right here, right now. How dare you not love yourself. How dare you write yourself off. My sweetheart sexual predilications aren't the only thing defining you, they may absorb you, keep you wanting to be an addict and you manage that. That is all we ask, in the same way Joe or PP manage their addictions, we accept that they do.

You may always seek to manage that aspect, just as I manage my diabetes, others manage their draw to alcohol. But should that draw, that addiction always define you, are you not who you are because of it? Is it not a part, shall I call it "siren" that part?

I am far from saying the past is ok, have you atoned it, if not what is it you need to do?

Zues, flawed of name, that is being human, and is your challenge not your protection. It's going to be ok.

V

[Joe46]

Zues, buddy!! You sound good, strong and positive! Man we have come a long ways! Good for you! I feel the same as you do. I am not interested in reconciliation. I, like you and everyone else has flaws. We all do. We can now work on some of these. We can learn from the mistakes we made. I did not think it was a gift before, but we have been given the gift of time. I am grateful for it. Someone someday is going to be lucky to have guys like us! We deserve it!! Keep up the positive changes!