Hey NH - just letting you know that I am still keeping up with your story. I don't have any advice (not that I ever did), but do feel for you.
That crap (the sexy dressing) doesn't kill me as much as it used to, but it is impossible not to notice it. and if you called it out, you would be accused of being controlling - (I can't even wear what I want to anymore?)
I try to avoid seeing W before she leaves so I don't have to be a witness to it.
And what you said earlier about ---"If I pull the trigger and leave the marriage, I'm the bad guy who gave up on her and broke up our family. If she pulls the trigger, then I'm the bad guy who treated her badly and made her want to leave"---I feel this exact way, but I don't feel that there is going to be any motion unless you create it.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
It's really almost more curiosity at this point. I want to see what happens. I want to see if he asks her out for drinks tonight...and what she says. She knows how I feel about it, it's just one more example of her total disrespect for me and our marriage.
She looked me in the eye in MC session last week and told me that she wanted to save our marriage, then she does this.
I'm thinking that even if she doesn't decide see him, I need be somewhere else this evening.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Well, OM came and went with minimal drama. There may be a meltdown later, but it'll be this weekend at the earliest, if pattern is followed.
Apparently there was some talk of them getting together for drinks (the whole "closure" thing) but he ran out of time and it didn't happen. Darn. Apparently they didn't even see each other at all one of the days.
But of course they've already discussed next time, whenever that is....She knows how I feel about that.
She was strangely clingy with me the last couple of days. She even wanted all 4 of us to go out and get frozen yogurt last night. She was smiling, laughing, apparently having a good time. I don't know what that means. It's sad that I can't even enjoy a nice family outing without wondering what's really in her head.
On another note, W wants to put MC on hold for 4 weeks, citing that she's "overwhelmed". To be honest, I'm OK with that. I'm not sure how much MC is really helping, considering that she still has all this preoccupation with OM. She did agree to a very specific break; we'll even go ahead and schedule our future appointments 4 weeks from now.
On the plus side she's starting with her IC today. I'm happy about that.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I have to say this: your W is an odd duck. I just can't figure her out. She's all over the place with you and the OM even if the A is over. It seems a positive that she is starting IC and I pray that IC is one of the tough ones that takes no chit and will hold W accountable for her own actions.
"Odd duck" just about covers it. Her emotional state will change literally in an hour. It's not like it was (thank God), but it's still hard to know what's going to happen on any given day. She would be cold and hostile and then warm, often on the same day. She doesn't claim to be in love with OM anymore, but she still acknowledges he's in her head far too much.
I just had a strange conversation with her a couple of hours ago. She was tearfully apologizing to me for the verbal beatings she had given me over the last year. She then went on and on about how proud she was of me for the changes I've undergone the last few months....my energy, my outlook, my positivity, my strength. I'm not the same person I was even a few months ago.
She of course had to add that she still feels lost and not sure what's best for her life going forward (staying in the M or not). But that was the first time she had made an effort to actually acknowledge and praise me for who I've become. I was glad to hear her say the words, of course, but I'm a little puzzled.
She's in IC as I'm typing this. We'll see what happens.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Hi NH. I spent this weekend reading your whole story from day 1. I think it was Wonka who suggested I do. (Thanks Wonka).
We have many similarities in our sitches. Mine has been about 10 months longer and it was a PA but seems we're both in about the same place.
I haven't told W about S. I'm not going to do a "grand pronouncement". I'm going to get my ducks in a row and pull the trigger. I'm living in a marriage with no physical affection, no hugs, kisses yet alone sex. Been like that for a year. We did go to MC about a year ago but she walked out angrily.
But today she cooked me a gourmet meal but nothing for herself as she wasn't hungry. Afterward she said she was thinking of going for IC with our MC again.
To me these are crumbs she's throwing me hoping I see them as stuffed turkeys. (I liked that one)
Your W is throwing you crumbs too - "tearfully apologizing to me for the verbal beatings she had given me over the last year. She then went on and on about how proud she was of me for the changes I've undergone the last few months....my energy, my outlook, my positivity, my strength."
Don't take the bait. Until she commits to getting OM out of her head it's all smoke and mirrors. And I think the only way that will happen if at all will be when she sees your backside walking out the door suitcase in hand.
As for my sitch, I'll get her business to a point where it'll sell and once the deal closes I'll pull out my investment and get myself new digs. In the meantime it's limboland, PMA, GAL and self-improvement time. I can see myself moving in October.
As for your sitch, your flight training business is a good focus. Work on a budget for your accommodations. Make a plan, put it on paper (don't let W see it) and put the plan into action. You and I may be moving out at the same time.
Is there any way you can buy a rental house with income potential and rent it out to students, keeping a suite for yourself. Puts you in the drivers seat.
NH, your struggles are close to my heart. Our Ws need to figure their own problems out on their own. Keep up the PMA and GAL activities and don't let the spew get you down. I have a whole closet of spew jackets from the Starky Colletion that are well worn and cleaned regularly. You truly have the pros on your team with Sandi, Starsky, and Wonka just to mention a few.
Cheers
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
We do sound like we're in similar boats. I appreciate you taking the time to read my sitch! Were you exhausted when you got done?
I got a lot of crumbs this weekend. We had a blowup Saturday evening where I finally said that the cycle needs to stop and the best way to do that is for me to just remove myself from the situation. The cycle where she screams that she hates me and I ruined her life, and then when I say it's time for me to move on, she says loves me and either begs me not to go or she gets angry at me for "giving up". She actually apologized to me this weekend for her abusive behavior. Her words. I can tell that she's terrified I'll leave. She should be.
But it's still not backed up with action. OM is still first in her head. They did not get the opportunity to talk and get the "closure" that she wanted when he was in town last week, so she wants another chance at closure next time...that indeterminate time when he ends up back in town. Could be 6 - 12 weeks from now. Apparently she expects me to just sit around in limbo indefinitely while she figures herself out. If think she was already working a job where she made a full-time livable income, she would have kicked me out months ago. I love feeling like I'm being kept around for my paycheck.
Short term I will probably seek a roommate situation, but your rental idea is intriguing. As you probably surmised, I live in a college town, and rental space in this area is at a premium. Buying a duplex and renting out one side not only makes sense financially, but dovetails nicely with one of my life 2.0 objectives, which is real estate investing.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I gotta give our C some kudos. Today she laid it out to my W, in the plainest language I've ever heard her use, that she has no chance of reconnecting with me as long as OM is in the picture in any way.
She also made it clear to my W that the abusive behavior had to stop or she was going to push me away for good.
Wish she would have done that sooner
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I gotta give our C some kudos. Today she laid it out to my W, in the plainest language I've ever heard her use, that she has no chance of reconnecting with me as long as OM is in the picture in any way.
She also made it clear to my W that the abusive behavior had to stop or she was going to push me away for good.
Wish she would have done that sooner
Standing up and clapping hands here....
I am so so glad and relieved that this C is a tough cookie not taking any chit from W. That one's a keeper for sure!
No, I think C knows what she's doing and has timed all of this. Timing is everything, ya know. I think this was the perfect time to lay it all out on the table.
