V is for Vanilla 20

[Vanilla]

RD, Joe, U, dawn PP and Jelly,

I was expecting some 2x4 for being very unladylike like and curt. Perhaps even for responding at all. I don't think it breaks the dark principles although it might my breeze block ones. Bland and blah!

Considering on 31 July I sent WH the cheques for his share of the business so it's now all mine again. Perhaps he saw that as weakness. Well WH it isn't weakness, V is developing a backbone. I no longer need a bucket to carry me about. The jelly fishy is gone.

It's time to be strong.

V

[Joe46]

V, the only 2 x 4 you will get from me is the one I will hand you to knock WH in the head with!! LOL!!! It does not break the dark principles in my opinion. It just says, "I am done being mistreated by you!!" Good for you, keep it up!!

[WhyUs]

Yes that sounds great, although I have no idea what a post line is. Does that just mean I start the thread? Should I put it in newcomers?

[Karma12]

V....you are finding your voice and speaking up for yourself. That's exactly what you want to be doing. Being an abuser is a deal breaker. You can't help someone who won't help them self. Now all your energy and focus has to be on rebuilding your business and life. He will test your resilience. Stay the path.

Hugs

Karma

[Vanilla]

Yes that sounds great, although I have no idea what a post line is. Does that just mean I start the thread? Should I put it in newcomers?

Yes WhyUs. If you look at any post there is a separate entry box above it in this one it says Re: V is for Vanilla 20. You can change it for every response if you like. The thread then appears in your list not mine.

We are likely to get more traffic that way.

V

[Vanilla]

My strategy for Dark

1. No texts or calls, block WH on all iPhones and iPads. Office phones. Continued with new numbers.
2. No email, block WH on all email addresses
3. Clear all web browser histories, buy new tablet just for browsing.
4. Block WH on all boards, FB etc
5. Do not visit pubs, cafes or restaurants that WH frequents or may frequent
6. Be polite deal with admin issues promptly but no interaction
7. Forward mail promptly
8. Do everything I have to do legally and contractually
9. Move to D or better still annulment immediately, cut all ties
10. If I find any of WH things forward them asap with no covering note
11. Any bills owed by me to WH are paid by cheque not bank transfer
12. Other than Gamanon, L, IC and DB, no talking about WH, if any one asks "I hope he finds happiness" and "I don't see or hear from him" and "I get on with my life"
13. Get my treatment for Trauma and resolve my issues
14. Sell the big house and move to a different address that he has no knowledge of
15. No contact with WH family other than admin
16. No FB posts, no news of my GAL etc
17. Make my business successful
18. Grow as a person set myself challenges so my mind is occupied with much more inspiring things
19. No is my new Mantra when pressurised
20. put aside all photos, joint items so there is no discussion or memories
21. Give away, recycle or sell items WH gave me or used, unless utility (like light bulbs, fridges etc)
22. Decorate and move when possible, change the environment
23. Get fit and well, extraordinary self caress the effects of the stress and trauma are shifted from my nervous system
24. Connect with my friends and family, make it clear WH isn't open for discussion "sad but resigned"
25. Finish processing the business paperwork so as soon as possible I never see his handwriting or deal with his purchases, clear message boards and his name from template letters. move office
26. No please, thank you or friendliness, just blan bland breeze block
27. No discussion of assets bought or sold, no flash cars (white van woman rules), no jewellery, expensive cars or posh clothes, bland and blah
28. Become someone only a fool would leave but keep that a big secret
29. Go GAL on my terms in my time, keeps that private
30. No dating web sites, keep any friendships very quiet

Any other ideas my DB friends?

V

[u-turn]

Good list V - you are so thorough with everything.

I've kind of always had a question about going dark with WW and not going dim with the kids. I always let my kids know exactly what I'm doing, exactly when I expect to be home, if I am going to be later, I will text them (I don't want them to be conserned about this - especially d15)..... sort of what I'd do with WW when she was just W.

I don't ever say - don't tell your mom - I've never been comfortable putting them in the middle like that, but sometimes I have to be vague with them so my actions so my darkness is not inadvertently lightened by the kids. Being vague with them isn't what I want to be - I want them to be confident in me that I am not being secretive and lying to them. (I don't know if this makes sense).

Sorry - I know this is for me and not to help you (I really like your list) - but thanks

I guess I am looking for better strategies with this as I feel like this will be needed more upcoming than ever.

[Vanilla]

U

This is just my thoughts but those with kids may know different.

1. Your R with each kid is independent of WW. Stick to the R with each child and treat each one independently.
2. Don't discuss personal WW issues with the kids. Just admin.
3. Copy WW on texts to do with admin, stick to admin only and it will be ok. that way kids know there are no issues with WW knowing, she already does. They don't have to guess.
4. Use an online calendar for activities with kids, encourage everyone to use it.
5. Don't use the kids as a message carrier, the call system etc does that
6. Do not enter WW room or allow her into yours unless necessary
7. Have rules responding to texts admin kids immediate, etc
8. Have pictures of you and the kids around in your space, gently replace family photos with solo ones or happy pics
9. Eliminate things gently and replace, put kids stuff very visible in your space, open door for them
10. Hugs, lots and lots of hugs with the kids
11. Prompt pick ups and drop offs, minimum contact on arrival and exit and uber efficiency
12. Did I say lots of hugs? LOL

I am sure there are loads more

[Joe46]

GOOD LIST LADY V!!! I am so proud of you!! You are doing great young lady!!

[u-turn]

Yeah - thanks V.
Your list is great I can see me getting very close to this level of dark (even with her living in the house) - I am wondering what 27. "No discussion of assets bought or sold, no flash cars (white van woman rules), no jewellery, expensive cars or posh clothes, bland and blah." means for you.

Sure no discussion, but if V is feeling flashy, V should be flashy too. V should be good and do things for herself.

Thanks for your list you gave me. I am getting there (haven't changed anything about my space yet - door is always open to them) - I definitely do not use the kids as messengers, but they may be messengers of what they observe from me which is good I think, but doesn't always make me seem very mysterious since the kids are always in the know.

(thought they don't tell me a thing about there mom - thought there is little interaction there).