Guys, I guess you don't understand what I'm asking. I just want to try to navigate through this process in a way that minimizes the changes of things going sour with my W. It's not only because I want to reconcile. It's also because it is best for the kids for us to be working together and to remain friends. I don't what the scenario where we can't stand being around each other and we drop off the kids in the driveway and speed away. If we can remain on good terms it is best for everyone. That's all.
I think we jump to getting lawyers who are employed to protect each of us individually, it would not help my cause.
I'm going to suggest we find a mediator. I'm going to tell her I want to work together. She has said she wants that too.
Even if you go through the mediation process, you still need a L. You need one to consult and review paperwork before you sign anything at the very least. Fill out your own D paperwork and keep it to yourself, so you are prepared to know what to ask for. Don't pull the trigger on anything, but prepare yourself behind the scenes. Educate yourself about the process so you are not blindsided. You know she is.
Be smart, prepared, agreeable, strong and try to be at peace with wherever this process takes you. She will be caught off guard and will notice you taking the high road. Any other position is unattractive.
T:22 M:17 Me: 44YO Her: 42YO 1 son 13YO BD 5/16/15 Her affair w/ OW 3/15-7/15 Her: ILYBNILWY
I agree with Shuley. I want everything you are saying. At the same time I have to protect myself in order to be the best mother for my son. We each have an attorney but we are doing a collaborative divorce which means we decide our fates not the courts. It [censored] regardless. I do not want a divorce but H is pushing it. I refuse to be take advantage of. Getting a lawyer doesn't mean it will automatically not be amicable. That's up to you.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Is this a safe place to let my emotions out? Even if they are not in alignment with the last resort technique?
Do not read this post if you are not a sympathetic person. Do not read this if you are going to attack me for feeling what I feel. Know that I am not acting on these emotions. I am just feeling them and I just need to vent and release some emotions.
I have been trying to Act as If for a long time and sometimes I just need to feel what I'm really feeling. it is not easy to keep it all inside, especially when what I'm feeling is so intense and overwhelming to the point where Acting as If is almost impossible.
If I am attacked for this, I will just delete this post.
But know that I am not acting on these things. I just need to release my true feelings that I have been covering up since I found this place.
But all I want to do is tell her how much I miss her. All I want to do is tell her how empty my life is without her. All I want to do is tell her how I want to make up for the years I wasn't showing her I love her the way I should have. All I want to do is ask her to give me another chance. All I want to do is write her a long letter and tell her all these things. All I want to do is write love songs for her. I have several already written. I want to play them for her. I want to put them on Youtube and post them on her facebook page and her friends will call her and say "wow that is so sweet, he really does love you." All I want to do is stand and wait for her to come back. All I can think of is her. All I want to do is read back to her the love letters she wrote to me over the years, when she said "I know we are soulmates." When she said "what is real is our connection." When she said "we have an eternal bond." All I want to do is tell her I agree, we are soulmates. Yes we do have an eternal bond. Snap out of it! Love is real! this is just a bump in the road, leading us to a new better relationship. this had to happen for me to see the changes that needed to take place. I get it now. Let's start over! It is going to so much better now! All I want to do is tell her how the kids are going to be screwed up because of this. All I want to do is tell her it's going to be a huge financial burden for both of us and neither of us are going to be able to make ends meet. Or go on vacations, or afford simple things like going out to dinner, or car repairs. There will be no money for college. All I want to do is say this is going to make things more difficult for both of us in so many ways. All I want to do is say, we don't have to destroy our family and our finances. All I want to do is tell her I can't stand the thought of being without her. All I want to do is say we don't have to do this. There is another choice. All I want to do is say I love her more than I've ever loved anything and I ever will. All I want to do is tell her I'm changing my life around and being the person I should have been. I've learned so much in the last month. I can see things I could never see before. I'm a different person. All I want to do is I tell her I'm going to sit and wait for her to return, even if it takes forever.
My heart says to do all these things.
I know I'll be attacked for thinking and writing this. Sorry.
Go ahead and attack me.
I'm not doing any of this. I'm just saying what I feel inside. I can't change my heart. My heart just says, I love her and I can't let her go.
One of the hardest parts of this "Last resort" technique is that I can't share what I'm really feeling. I have to keep it all inside except for one or two friends who know what I'm doing...
And here. But I suppose I'm going to be chastised for sharing what I really feel and not keeping the Act as If thing going.
GAL says I just need to let go, detach, be my own person, and that's the only way I have even a tiny chance of getting her back. If i did any of this stuff it would push her away. I guess I have to believe it's true. But sometimes I feel like she's already pushed away, so do I really have anything to lose? Sometimes my heart tells me that by following the rules I am making it easier for her to go. Sometimes my heart says she might be thinking "why isn't he begging and promising me? maybe he doesn't really want me to come back" and I am making a huge mistake. She has tried to leave before and all that stuff has worked. How do I know the "never give up" method wouldn't eventually snap her out of it. Because, the main reason she left is because she didn't feel loved by me. isn't the best way to show her i DO love her is to drop everything in my life and do everything I can to get her back? Won't she at some point say to herself, "wow, he really won't give up on me. this is a person that really really loves me. this is what I've been looking for all my life. someone who won't let me go no matter what. I feel loved for the first time."
but I don't want to "backslide" so I won't.
go ahead and attack me. I just needed to release. if it turns into an attack Gabs for being weak thread, I will just delete it.
in the meantime I guess I'm going to work on my 180. that part is the easiest. its the GAL and Act As If that seems nearly impossible.
Gabs - There is nothing wrong with any of those feelings. We are all here because we WANT to do all of those things. Most of us DID all of those things. This is a tough road were on, and there's no problem with having feelings.
What you'll get takings to about is DOING those things. It's about DOING what WORKS.
Gabs - There is nothing wrong with any of those feelings. We are all here because we WANT to do all of those things. Most of us DID all of those things. This is a tough road were on, and there's no problem with having feelings.
What you'll get takings to about is DOING those things. It's about DOING what WORKS.
I fee the same way as you do and I am sure many other people also feel like this but the bottom line is it does not help....my W asked for my time she desperately wanted me to spend quality time with her making her feel loved since the split she does not want me arround her and me pushing this just shows that I do not listen still.
It is so so hard to distance yourself from someone you love ....God I am in almost in an exact same position as you are and it [censored] big time.
Keep bettering yourself to be the best person you can be
You will get through this
Take care
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
No one is here to attack you, and this IS a safe place to vent. I fear sometimes people get frustrated watching you (or anyone else) make the same mistakes they have made over and over again to predictable results. I see you are starting to get it, and I also see that you don't want to get it, because you are holding onto the belief that you can pursue her back into loving you.
There is a world of difference between dealing with someone in a marital argument who is mad at you, but who is still deep down committed to the marriage, and someone who is simply "done" and already checked out. Everything that you want to do would work in the first case, and nothing you want to do would work in the second case.
The difference between those two states is hard to grasp, but it is a crucial difference.
I'm glad you didn't write any letters to your wife's family. Even if she is batshit crazy and making the worst decision of her life, that is still HER family, and she needs them for support. You must resist every temptation to try to go around her and enlist her family's support. If they've known you for 30 years, they already know you and nothing you tell them now is going to make a difference.
Don't do anything to help your wife separate, make her do all the work. Splitting up your bank accounts already was a mistake. Follow the lawyer's advice and don't put the cart before the horse. The first step is that she should file. Until she does, you should maintain the status quo. DB'ing is not about placating her, it's about not pursuing her.
You can say "no" as often as you would like, and you will not be jeopardizing your chance of reconciliation at all. Protect yourself and protect your kids, let her do what she's going to do. That's ALL you can do.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
We all have been where you are and wanted to say the very same exact thing to our spouses. We totally get it.
My frustration with you is that I do not see you visiting other people's threads and learning from others. Then you come here and ask the same questions in 101 different ways when Cadet has rolled out his welcome post with links to resources that help newbies.
All you do is to come straight to your own thread. That's putting on blinders thus depriving yourself of some really valuable help and resources from other posters.
It is as if you are sitting by your own desk in a classroom full of students and being unwilling to participate in activities & discussion. Eventually, people are going to realize that you are not open to ideas, concepts, and strategies to succeed in the classroom.
Again, you will do what you want to do. Even if it means shooting yourself in the foot.
Heck, I even gave you one teeny homework assignment (reading Cali's threads) and you still haven't done it. Your actions speak louder than words you throw up in your own post.
I am trying to understand your obstinate stance here.
Wonka I am not wanting to hijack this thread it is just sometimes it seems that the only option is detach detach detach get a life and cross fingers make changes and hope that she will come back Show her the man that she would be mad to leave
I too am in a similar position to gabs and so desperately want my wife back but I do understand not to pursue
The help from the vets is so important to us newbies
I have found it so helpful but I know I have made mistakes
Life is a rolla coaster.....but now it is like the flippin corkscrew at 6 flags Magic mountain
Last edited by Ghost56; 08/04/1504:35 PM.
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Show her the man that she would be mad to leave