I was interviewed today about the hack into the marital infidelity website. I can only imagine the pain this is causing people who find out their spouses have been unfaithful in this very public way. Finding out your spouse has had an affair is one of life's most challenging experiences. My heart goes out to those who are dealing with this situation tonight and in the days that follow.
When marriages falter and problems seem insurmountable, there are parts of the relationship that are no longer working. But rather than divorce each other, I always tell people that, in some ways, the problems have been a blessing in disguise. They have taught you which parts of the old marriage have to end. You need to divorce the old marriage and start a new one with each other. It's also important to identify which parts of the old marriage do work and to incorporate those healthy parts into the new marriage. So, if you're having problems, it makes sense to divorce your marriage, not your partner.
Today's topic is warning signs before you marry that alert you to trouble spots. These red flags CAN be worked through.
Here are 10 pre-marital red flags:
1. You have no effective way to discuss your differences. You end up sweeping things under the carpet or fighting without resolution
2. You haven't discussed and agreed upon important life issues such as where you want to live, whether or not you'll have children, parenting styles if you already have kids, hopes and dreams for your futures
3. One person isn't interested in being physical
4. Arguments that are over-the-top hurtful and of course, any sign of physical violence
5. If one partner abuses substances and is unwilling to work on those issues.
6. Major differences in feelings about in-laws and extended family
7. Authoritative rather than collaborative decision-making styles
8. An unwillingness to ever take personal responsibility for problems
9. Other activities- work, friends, family, children, etc.- always take precedence over the relationship
10. An aversion to getting professional help when necessary
If you are having trouble in your marriage, don't make your children your confidantes. Adult business should be limited to adults. Find a friend. Your kids are not your "friends."
Many feel that the concept of commitment is applicable when you are feeling loving feelings toward your partner. But the truth is, feeling committed when things are going well is a no-brainer! Who wouldn't want to stay with, be loyal to another person when your needs are being met?
But real commitment is what happens when things aren't going so well, when you and your partner aren't getting along or seeing eye-to-eye.
Real commitment is what happens when you tell yourself, "This too shall pass," or "We need to get help to resolve our difficulties." Real commitment is hard. That's why it's called commitment. Think about it.
