PP's New Adventure (5) - Filing & Moving Forward

[Vanilla]

200 days, amazing achievement. So pleased and proud for you.

I am going to celebrate with cheeeeeese.

Moooooose!

V

[CaliGuy]

I love Wonka's reply, with one exception. I don't like the "I don't want divorce but won't stop you" sentence. That has been said many times in many ways already. I don't think you have to agree that divorce is best, but I might say something else myself.

For me, the words that come to mind are:

"I agree this is a necessary step, I certainly don't want to remain legally tied to someone that isn't interested in a committed partnership with me."

I do not consider myself a vet ... but I feel the urge to chime in here. ^^^^^ That while I will not say its 'wrong' I just do not feel that if one is standing for the M they would ever 'agree' to D as a 'necessary' step. I always held firm to the "I do not want a D, but I respect you and your choice" with the undertone that if she wants to D its all on her. I was never going to 'agree' because ... well I never did. Sure I would have signed the papers once served and the D would have processed through ... but till my dying day no one .. especially my W could have ever said I wanted D.

I don't know. Just my initial thoughts. I feel like you're creating some boundaries (I am not here unconditionally, I am here on the condition you commit to the M), some value (I am not desperate, I deserve a committed relationship), and a sprinkle of truth darts (she is breaking her vows and that is eliminating her from being someone you want to be involved with emotionally or legally).

Is that why you are in the M? On the condition she commits? I get the I am not desperate and one deserves better. But that statement is controlling to me, its a 'commit like I have and everything will be all better' type message.
its obvious the WAS has broken their vows, that is a given and one they must own themselves. Truth darts in my opinion are better served in response to untruths the WAS projects. Like when my W tried to tell me it was not an A because we were separated my truth dart was along the lines of "Ok so in my next M, I can go out with the boys and have a few drinks, get housed, call up my W and inform her we are separated just prior to bedding the hot little waitress .... I had no idea that loophole existed in M till now thank you for pointing this out" Granted I laced it with sarcasm but the dart was there.

Vets, if this is too controlling, accusational, manipulative- I'm open to that feedback. But I could feel ok about sending that message. So I'm asking for feedback almost as much for myself as for PP here.

Its a fine line, but I found when I started detaching a bit, looking at my W like a science project and staying out of it emotionally it was a touch easier. Tossing the accusations, trying to control the situation was really counter productive and just futile ... really took more energy than I was willing to give as there really was no return that would ever come of it.

I also learned it really irked me when W would be totally void of emotion, like our 24 years was now just a business deal .... then I discovered she in fact hated it just as much when I did the same thing. So the "I dont want D but I respect your wishes" line simply states your intentions/desires .... and puts that ball firmly back in their lap as if you are saying "I am and always have been committed to you and our M, if you want to toss that all away ... that's ALL on you ... I will still sleep like a baby guilt free knowing I did all I could to this point"

[Joe46]

200 days!! PP you are awesome!! I know how that feels!! Good for you!!:)

Like when my W tried to tell me it was not an A because we were separated my truth dart was along the lines of "Ok so in my next M, I can go out with the boys and have a few drinks, get housed, call up my W and inform her we are separated just prior to bedding the hot little waitress .... I had no idea that loophole existed in M till now thank you for pointing this out" Granted I laced it with sarcasm but the dart was there.

Everytime I read that it reminds me of that Friends episode when Ross keeps telling Rachel, " But we were on a break"!!

[asitis]

Yes, congratulations on your 200 days, especially during a very stressful time! You're really showing some deep strength and that bodes well for your weathering the M storm and coming out better for it on the other side regardless of the result.

[PigPen]

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and support. Today is a mixed blessing kind of day, as it seems so much of DB'ing is.

On one hand I haven't had 200 days of sobriety since I took my first drink in fifth grade. My addictions were always managed well until I got married oddly enough. That's when they really blossomed. I'm glad this monkey is off of my back and although there is still work ahead for me, a lifetime of it, the feeling I have now is one I've wanted for many years. I miss having beers with my friends. However, that is nothing in comparison to how much I love waking up with a clear head and a healthy self esteem.
Today was a good day in that regard.

It was also a tough day as I missed my W, every bit of her. I still miss my W daily, it's just not at with the same intensity. I still believe that we could come together and create the M we always talked about and were so close to having. I'm sure so many of us can look back and point out all of the stressors outside of our M that were complicit in creating stress and troubles that broke it down. But, life will never be without stressors. I write that as someone without kids too, so I on some level I have no idea what stress really is.

DB'ing is still teaching me that by changing who I am, the stressors will be handled in a productive manner. Communication, LL's, empathy, detachment, are all aspects of my M that I thought I understood, but did not. It's such a challenge to look back and know just how unconscious I was living and how many tools I simply didn't have.

Wonka, thank you for taking the time to write that email for me. I wasn't sure I had it in me to spend four days composing it down to an acceptable form myself. Truly you have one of my best hugs on the back shelf waiting for you if we are ever to meet.

To kind of quote another poster that I read on here today, "What a terrible place to meet so many wonderful and supportive people."

I'm grateful for many things tonight DB'ers, my email to my W isn't one of them, but now I can see that it's just one piece in a big, beautiful puzzle.

Peace to you all tonight.

PP

[Azzork]

Communication, LL's, empathy, detachment, are all aspects of my M that I thought I understood, but did not. It's such a challenge to look back and know just how unconscious I was living and how many tools I simply didn't have.

So true. Been listening to Katy Perry "Wide Awake" lately. This is the line that gets me:
I wish I knew then. What I know now.
Hate to think where I'd be had I only understood all of this a couple years ago.

[PigPen]

I'm with you Azz. But, I also spent an hour or so with a gentleman in his sixties the other day. He's on his fourth M, and has been happy in it for over a decade.

Guess what? He's still working on the same stuff we all are and told me to be grateful for the fact that I'm learning all of this before 40. I told him I wished I had it in my twenties and he told me he wished he had it in his forties!

I don't think the learning ever stops Azz. What we're doing now though, all of us who are DB'ing with an earnest is filling ourselves full of really valuable knowledge and tools. This place is like an emotional survival school. Walk out of here OK and you know that power outages, and floods will be a breeze in your next life.

[Bob723]

PigPen,

Congratulations on your 200 days of soberity. I always had faith in you that you could do it. (Manly first bump and high five!)

I am very sorry to hear that your W has decided to proceed with the D. I love your attitude, whatever happens you will be happier. That's the spirit and will help you thru these choppy waters.

Go out there and continue to live your life the way you want to. Don't look back, keep a PMA (you knew I'd write that) and you never know what the future holds for you.

By the way, I think many of us owe Wonka "real life" hugs. If only we could all meet, wouldn't that be something?

You have come farther than anyone I can think of at the moment since they joined our board.

I wish you well. You are doing great -- keep it up!

Your friend,

Bob

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and support. Today is a mixed blessing kind of day, as it seems so much of DB'ing is.

On one hand I haven't had 200 days of sobriety since I took my first drink in fifth grade. My addictions were always managed well until I got married oddly enough. That's when they really blossomed. I'm glad this monkey is off of my back and although there is still work ahead for me, a lifetime of it, the feeling I have now is one I've wanted for many years. I miss having beers with my friends. However, that is nothing in comparison to how much I love waking up with a clear head and a healthy self esteem.

Amen brother, amen. I salute this HUGE leap forward into living your life more fully.

There may be moments when you question your choice to be sober, if only briefly.

(This is an issue of great importance to me but I don't want to go off on too much of a tangent.)

Suffice to say that if you do have those moments when you think that your life would be better as an alcoholic or that it's just not ever going to be FUN to be sober, Stop...don't believe the lie.

(& Please call your sponsor! And come here to think through any desire to drink that might arise.
THINKING it out ---, like how you'll feel the next day IF something really bad happens when you drink, OR how you'd feel if you ran into your wife while buzzing around

OR how you'd feel even IF nothing terrible happens while drinking, but your 200+ days had to be reset, well that Thinking-it-through, can stop a lot of desire).

Again, I salute your feat. It's incredibly difficult. Stay on track.


Today was a good day in that regard.

It was also a tough day as I missed my W, every bit of her. I still miss my W daily, it's just not at with the same intensity.

^^^ Sounds pretty typical of a healthy, growing detachment.


I still believe that we could come together and create the M we always talked about and were so close to having.

I believe you. Truly. And I also believe that YOU, Pigpen, can have a great marriage with your next spouse, regardless of whether it's your present wife...


I'm sure so many of us can look back and point out all of the stressors outside of our M that were complicit in creating stress and troubles that broke it down. But, life will never be without stressors. I write that as someone without kids too, so I on some level I have no idea what stress really is.

The priest who married h & me, once told us that he did "Not care how much conflict" we had, "because life throws more curve balls at some couples",

but he did care HOW we resolved those conflicts.

So yes, there will always be stressors in life, sometimes a whole damn lot!

But HOW you two approach and work through those stressors and resolve issues about which you two do Not agree, that's the test of marriage that can be the most challenging.


DB'ing is still teaching me that by changing who I am, the stressors will be handled in a productive manner. Communication, LL's, empathy, detachment, are all aspects of my M that I thought I understood, but did not.

^^^^^

It's such a challenge to look back and know just how unconscious I was living and how many tools I simply didn't have.

^^Coupled with your newly recovered sobriety, how AWAKE you must feel!


Wonka, thank you for taking the time to write that email for me. I wasn't sure I had it in me to spend four days composing it down to an acceptable form myself. Truly you have one of my best hugs on the back shelf waiting for you if we are ever to meet.

To kind of quote another poster that I read on here today, "What a terrible place to meet so many wonderful and supportive people."

^^ This is why I still post here. Great place to be for a lousy reason.

Many people, most of whom I'll never meet, made a difference to me at a very dark time in my life. Then, I could not reach out to my children about this, and frankly, my family was tired of hearing about my Marital travails.

THIS SITE is where I came to climb my mountain. Here, I truly came to rely on (Blanche Dubois!!) "The kindness of strangers" & they guided & supported me on the hardest, best journey of my life.

I'm grateful for many things tonight DB'ers, my email to my W isn't one of them, but now I can see that it's just one piece in a big, beautiful puzzle.

Peace to you all tonight.

PP

Right back at your PP and please please DO keep us posted on things.

Again, congratulations on your sobriety. Do something FUN or go get your laugh on and see some comedy. Remind yourself of how great it is to laugh easily, often and hard.

If you stay on your path, becoming the best version of you that you can,
you're destined to live a life of love, giving and receiving it.

((( )))

[rd500]

Congrats on the 200 days, it must be tough but you did it. Let us know when the next 200 passes.

take care Rd