Wow, NH. 1st and foremost, (((NH)))). You are the most patient man I believe I have ever been "acquainted" (using that term loosely, of course, since we are not technically even acquainted, but you are my DB friend) with. I totally agree with what Jim said about your W's attitude smacks of disrespect. She told you that her birth control pills were to prevent infection...SERIOUSLY??????? Why lie about that? What is the point? It is just plain deceitful and dishonest and disrespectful. I'm sorry, but I'm just getting angrier on your behalf the more I think about it. While I know everyone advocates not leaving the house, this is one case where I would pack my crap and go if I were you. Seriously, NH, if I didn't know how far apart we lived,based on our geography I would offer you my spare room just so you had some place to go.
I'm praying for you, my friend.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
She was zonked out on painkillers last night after a minor surgical procedure, so no point in confronting her. We'll have a big talk tonight.
NH ... just observing your sitch from afar ... question.
Do you have the need for the big talk, the final confrontation? As others have chimed in, typically DB does not promote the LBS leaving the house .. but in this case, along with my opinions on the WW and the LBH ... and its obvious in this case to me with the latest revelations it all boils down to RESPECT .. which she has ZERO for you right now.
I would not wait around, I would not make the grand speech nor the dramatic exit. I would simply pack my chit and go. OM back in 2 weeks and you discover your W has BC pills.... ummm no sorry , not in my camp. I'm guessing another sexy outfit .. ya know for her 'confidence' Compounded with her 'need' for 'closure' to see him .. oh but they just accidentally kissed over a counter but that's all .... really? No thanks, why stay on this carousel? you already know the direction and speed of it ... time to hop off.
IMHO you need to draw a very hardcore line and hold your ground here. Your W is fat with the cake you have been serving like BigMacs at Mickey-D's none of her ACTIONS show she is focused on the M ... this will continue until you drop the rope.
Believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do ... and 50% of what she is doing is still 100% an affair my friend
Of course I agree with all that has been said, but I also wanted to add another thought. Your wife has been marinating in fantasy and deceit for a long time now. Personally, I think that has to be corrosive to the soul.
I believe that duping your spouse, participating in helping someone else dupe their spouse and then finding a way to actually justify that behavior changes you forever, and probably not in a good way. Add children to the mix on both sides and I think it magnifies those changes. And the longer it goes on, the longer they coarsen and harden.
In all honesty, I don't think you're doing your wife any favors right now. Give her the gift of having to live in the real world - she'll have to live there eventually - give her the opportunity to do so with some underlying character intact.
And, while I agree with everyone that her explanation for the BCP shouldn't matter, I would be highly skeptical of any explanation she manages to pull out of her hat.
Sorry NH, this is tough to read. I agree, you're getting played.
Not sure what kind of infection BC pills cure though. There is no legitimate reason for a woman married to a man with a vasectomy to be taking them on the sly. Especially with an OM coming into town.
If it looks like a duck and takes BC pills like a duck...
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Thank you Dawn, I don't know if I'm patient or just plain scared of making the wrong decision. I'm not sure where you are exactly, but I suspect it would make my commute to work a little painful...otherwise I'd take you up on that spare room
I don't know how she'll ever regain that respect for me. It's obvious it's not happening. I have given her so much of the benefit of the doubt regarding OM, but between the kiss revelation and the BC pills, I really think I'm being strung along. Her talk in the past has been more about her fear of not being able to make it alone, instead of being without me. Someday I guess I'll connect those dots.
It's not so much that I'm spoiling for a big confrontation so much that I want her to know that my limit has been reached. I hated that she was so zonked out last night that I wouldn't have been able to have a conversation with her. I guess I want to give her one last chance to tell me the truth. I also don't want to appear arbitrary. I want it to be clear to her that she has exceeded my limits, not that I'm just making a snap decision to walk out. I can hear her words now...that I've always wanted out and just wanted an excuse.
She talks about focusing on working on herself, which I understand... she definitely needs to do that. But she doesn't get to string me along, lie to me, put no real effort into the marriage, be psychologically abusive, and basically disrespect me in the name of "processing". And that's what's happened. When I stand up for myself, she blames me for putting her in this place to begin with. Physical intimacy is zero, and she shows little actual respect towards me. I can't overlook those things any more. I truly think part of her wants to make our marriage work, but she seems to think that she can back-burner me as long as she wants until she decides. That won't fly.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
First up the birth control thing. It is possible that those specific pills have another affect and are there for being prescribed - all sorts of drugs have multiple affects, for example Viagra was invented for a whole other purpose and I think also treats altitude sickness. There might be a legit explanation (though TBH I doubt it and I would have thought it would be volunteered at the outset)
BUT.....
Your last paragraph nails it so read it back a couple of times.
And I've seen you advised a few times now. Actions speak louder than words and when your being totally disrespected and your boundaries ignored no verbal protest or discussion is going to change it.
BTW moving out doesn't close a door between you and your W, but it does make it d@mn clear that she needs to shut and bolt, plaster over and hang a family portrait in front of that one to OM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Hi NH, I can see you've had lots of advice already, but I just wanted to drop in and offer my good wishes. My take on things is that your W seems to have been drawn away from the M again. There was a time where she was making efforts to be transparent, and was keen to try and rebuild.
But now, from your posts, she sounds rebellious and focused elsewhere again. I think you are still waiting and hoping that this won't be the case, but I'm so sorry I think it is. And I think you just need to decide what you will do now. I don't really think a big talk will help. Is she really going to be able to reassure you in what she says? If she is wayward again, she may just lie.
Only you can decide what to do. And I think it is important to be very clear about how you want to live. What you will have in your life. And what you won't. Where your line is.
Good luck with however you decide to move forward. You've got this and we are all here to support if needed.
Sotto (formerly Toots) xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm aware that there are other perfectly legitimate reasons for her to be taking BC pills, but the fact that she didn't mention it to me at all, and when I did ask, she gave me a bogus answer, is really troubling.
What this boils down to is that she needs to cut him loose for good and truly recommit to working with me if she wants our marriage to work. The therapist even told her that point blank last session.
I'm also thinking about putting MC on hold until that time, assuming that time ever comes. Thoughts?
By the way jim, I noticed that you got your BD about 2 days before I did last year.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I'm aware that there are other perfectly legitimate reasons for her to be taking BC pills, but the fact that she didn't mention it to me at all, and when I did ask, she gave me a bogus answer, is really troubling.
What this boils down to is that she needs to cut him loose for good and truly recommit to working with me if she wants our marriage to work. The therapist even told her that point blank last session.
I'm also thinking about putting MC on hold until that time, assuming that time ever comes. Thoughts?
By the way jim, I noticed that you got your BD about 2 days before I did last year.
Almost feel like you are in denial at times, I get you want to defend your W ... but all the signs are still there ... heck .. they are flashing like its Vegas
As far as MC, yeah ... I went through that May14, OM was still in the picture and I had no clue, thought W was still on the fence but our MC was pro-M so I thought all things would lead towards us getting things on track. Nope ... W was there just as her "I Tried" quota all while seeing OM on the sly, MC actually figured this out and point blank asked her. Then ... I will never forget this... she said "In all my years counseling couples I have never been successful in helping a 3 headed marriage" looked me in the eye and said "Till there are only 2 of you I can not help either of you" ... the Non verbal message was sent and received loud and clear. Just took me time to become man enough to drop the rope that I was clinging on so tightly to.
